Pressed.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed....Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18 (emphasis added)

PRAISE THE LORD FOR A NEW SURGERY DATE: JANUARY 29TH AT 8:00AM!

“Grapes must be crushed to make wine. Diamonds form under pressure. Seeds grow in darkness. Whenever you feel pressure, pressed or in darkness, you’re in a powerful place of transformation. Trust the process. Trust God.”
– Note from a sweet friend on Facebook.

For the prayer list, and current updates on my journey, please scroll. Thank you all so much for reading, praying, and encouraging. Your thoughts and prayers are making a daily difference in our lives.

Short story – When Pressed

What are you storing up in your heart? When life presses you, rest assured, it will come out.

Pressed on every side. Yep. That pretty much sums up the last two months.

When I started this journey, a dear pink sister, who has walked this path ahead of me, sat me down and we faced reality together. She was kind and gentle, but direct.
“You are about to start one of the hardest journeys of your life. It will demand every ounce of your energy, and every amount of your faith. You will know God in a way you have never known Him before. You will learn about your vanity, and that you are so much more than your appearance. It will strip away what doesn’t really matter, and leave behind that which truly matters. It will give you perspective like you never had before. And when it is over, and you reach the end of this, you will be able to touch others who are walking the same journey in a way few others can.“

If you had told me on my birthday, (one day before my diagnosis,) that I would be walking into the buildings I’ve been walking through, taking the medicines I’m taking, having the conversations I’m having, and making the plans we’re making, I would have laughed at you. No way! There’s no way I’m going to have to pursue IVF, I’m young, happily married, and about to start having kids. There’s no way I need a plastic surgeon! That’s for others and their needs/wants. There’s no way I will ever need chemo and lose all my hair, it won’t be me. Others will walk that road, but not me.

Never say never.

When I got the call that changed my life, I was in denial. You must be mistaken. I’m 29. This can’t happen. That’s not me. Your records are wrong. Surely you’ve got the wrong number. I’m too young. I’ve got plans. I’ve got life to live.

Reality was harsh and cold, through the apologetic words of the nurse, who had to make the phone call. It wasn’t her fault. The truth was that yes, despite what I tried to block out as misinformation, the truth remains. I have cancer.

Every step after that has been difficult. The first wave of reality was fighting denial and the shock of what we had just learned.

I went bitterly to my first few appointments. I don’t belong here. I thought. But there I was. I learned the terrifying news of surgery, and that I had to make a fast decision on what they should do to my body to cut the cancer out. “Which surgery do you want?” They would ask me. I don’t want any of them. I thought. But I still had to choose.

We walked through Christmas. Many tears and heartache. We told our friends and family, and our church family. Once God’s people began praying, God’s tangible presence was evident, and we began to find small things to be thankful for. We started seeing the Holy Spirit moving in our finances and relationships. We watched God work as we went to appointments. Emmanuel, He was with us.

We went to see the oncologist, and yes. I couldn’t hide from the truth. Malignant tumor. Margins. Cold hard facts. I either had to keep hiding while darkness grew, or buck up and learn everything I could about my cancer, so I could fight my enemy. My oncologist told us that we needed to hurry and get over to the fertility clinic as soon as possible. Chemo is necessary to fight this enemy, which means it will cause us to struggle in this area.

Overwhelmed, we walked into the fertility clinic. I saw other women with the same look of despair on their faces, sitting in the waiting room. My heart broke for them. I knew without any words how we all longed for the same thing, just by sitting in that room together, waiting. And yet, meeting with the doctors, going to those appointments, having to give myself daily shots, and watching my blood work and ultrasounds, we saw the wonders of modern technology, and God’s provision for us to prepare for our next steps.

We found out that the surgery, the one I didn’t want, but had to have, was put on hold due to a denial with our insurance for the plastic surgeon. Thrown into fear again, after having to make impossible decisions, now we had to go through the whole process again. It was beyond frustrating. Regardless, we had the most amazing help from all sides in getting as much information as possible. We explored our options with utmost urgency. Consultation after consultation, I weighed my options, while still juggling fertility treatments and driving to the north side of Atlanta every day. Fighting panic at times, just get it out! I feel like a ticking time bomb. It’s hard to rest while the cancer is still in my body.

BUT the BEST decisions needed to be made, and the medical professionals had told me that I had a few weeks window where it was safe to decide. Still, restlessness remained.

Exhaustion hit, and Derek and I had done all we could to make the best decisions. We hit a wall, where we were waiting on the doctors to let us know availability.

Enter the scene, a mundane normal life activity. Praise the Lord for normalcy! It’s amazing how a crisis can make you thankful for the ordinary and routine.

I finally got a moment to go to the grocery store. I had to pick up a prescription for my fertility treatment. The quiet of the afternoon was a rare blessing, one that I had taken for granted numerous times. My phone was dead, (that never happens….haha just kidding) so I took advantage of the moment, taking time to pick out our food for the week.

I wandered into the line behind an older lady. She was about as fast as a moped in the fast lane on I-75. Normally I would complain to myself or feel annoyed that it was taking so long, but honestly I was just tired. I’d either be tired in line or tired at home, so I may as well be patient and have a good attitude. She pulled each item out of her basket, and I noticed another older gentleman, (we’ll call him Mr. L) behind me who tried to pass me. At first I thought he was cutting in line, until he spoke to the older lady, “Excuse me miss, do you need help with that?”

The older lady cut eyes at him and spat out a sassy comment about having two broke shoulders, but that she didn’t need any help. He conceded to her request and walked back to his place in line. I smirked as she checked out. Mr. L appeared to be retired, and was one of those cheeky, fun types who might be up for a good, silly exchange of words.

Mr. L noticed me and said, “Independent women, huh?” I chuckled with him and said, “You remind me of my husband. He has to put up with a strong, independent woman too. Me.” I said smiling at the gentleman. He grinned from ear to ear, and shrugged his shoulders, “Just trying to help.”

The lady finished her transaction, and moved ahead with her purchases. I pushed my basket forward and turned to say hello to the clerk. When I turned back, the older gentleman leaned down and began carefully picking up every item out of my basket, and placing them on the conveyer belt. Once he was finished with the upper basket, he lowered himself to the floor to get the meat and Diet Coke off the bottom of my cart. I realized that this man had a servant’s heart. This will be Derek as an old man, I thought, Sweet, fun, and always willing to help anyone.

Tears welled up in my eyes. This man did not know my story. He did not know that I barely had energy to be standing in the grocery store. He did not know that I had exceeded my energy to get the groceries IN the cart. He didn’t know I had cancer. He was simply being kind.

I wept as he put the items at check out, and thanked him over and over again. I told him he reminded me of my husband. Because I was crying so much, I explained my situation, that I had cancer and that he had just made my day, and asked him a little about his story.

He said his name was Mr. L, and that his first wife had had brain tumors. He walked with her for six months, until she passed away and went to be with the Lord. He said, “I have since remarried, but she’ll always be in here.” He pointed to his heart. “She was my first love, and I’ll always love her.”

More tears! How the Lord has blessed me with my own husband, and we have hope for the future, as we fight our fight, a different story. But this man, Mr. L had walked through so much and was still serving other people, after all he had been through. Life had pressed him. Love came out.

I’m convicted that I need to daily be checking my heart. I need to be sure that I’m fixed on things that matter. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Am I walking worthy of the calling I’ve received? Am I seeking God like I should? How can I love others better? When pressed, what will come out of my life?

Mr. L reminded me that Jesus Christ is the one way to salvage true purpose out of all of this. God came down from His Throne to love us, unworthy and unclean. We need His grace and His mercy to be set free. All we have to do is repent and believe, and He saves! Physical trials are temporary, but our spiritual need for eternal life in Jesus lasts forever.

God can heal me of cancer, but my greatest need is to know Him. I could lose this fight, and win forever because I know Jesus. Or God may heal me, and I may know Him better through the trials. Biblical perspective is everything. My salvation in Him gives true hope. Jesus died on the cross, was buried, and rose again for US! To save us from our sins, and give us eternal life! I am reminded of the humility of Jesus in Philippians 2:3-11.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
 rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:3-11

CURRENT UPDATES

Surgery

The biggest news today is my new Surgery Date: January 29th at 8:00am!!!

In my last post, I explained our possible options. As we investigated alternatives, I learned more and more about what my surgery was and all that it entailed for my overall health. As I consulted with 2 options for IN NETWORK surgery, one thing became clear: God’s sovereign hand directed me away from a surgery I didn’t need to have all at once. The decline of our insurance was actually a blessing. Sometimes, God’s “no” is His protection.

In our consultations, I asked important questions that led me to more information about the original surgery. As the research and data was laid before me, it was clear that there was NO WAY I would move forward with original surgery with the information I had attained. Instead of pursuing an ALL-IN-ONE surgery, mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap, I learned about a process known as delayed reconstruction.

Delayed reconstruction is actually a very normal process in this case, and very rarely does anyone have an immediate DIEP. It would still be 2 surgeries, just not done simultaneously like we had planned. The healing process is less harsh on the body. The recovery time is faster, so I would get to chemo faster, like my oncologist recommended. The doctors who are available are in network. The benefits far outweigh the costs when compared to an immediate DIEP, for a myriad of reasons.

Delayed reconstruction is just that, a reconstructive surgery that is done in a delayed fashion. The mastectomy is done first, with a temporary spacer. The patient goes through necessary cancer treatments (chemo and/or radiation as needed). Then at the end of the process, the DIEP surgery is done, with some cosmetic finishes.

Both of the options we consulted provided this approach to surgery. The backup option was good, but not great. They would provide the surgery I needed, just not in the timeframe we needed. Backup doctor’s schedule wasn’t compatible with Dr. W for the 20th, and they had no openings near the window of dates we desired. They would require a later date, and the clock was ticking.

The best option was a new hospital in the city, recommended by my pink sister, who went through the same Delayed Recon surgery with the same teams. She also had a family member who ALSO walked through this same surgery with that same team. We had 2 personal testimonies of how the Best Doctors were the best, and what they could do for me.

We met with the first half of the team, the plastic surgeon, and discussed the DIEP part of the surgery, to be done at the end of the process. The pictures were ASTOUNDING. They are one of the oldest practices that does this procedure. There was NO comparison between the offices of the first and this office. Hands down, the best decision.

Later the next week, we were able to consult with the second half of the team, the breast specialist. Their team was SO compassionate. They cried with me, and we discussed facts and figures. We went through my chart from start to finish, and they answered every question we had. They even did a small ultrasound of my cancer to view what is going on, explaining the effects of my lumpectomy in November, how my body was recovering, and more. I had thoroughly researched my options at that point, and the doctor was even more helpful in confirming medical facts and reassured me on my knowledge of what was right.

The doctor explained that my fertility treatments wouldn’t harm my outcome over such a short time, and even gave me peace of mind about fears I had. He was impressed with my research and encouraged me for facing this head-on. He drew pictures and walked slowly through each part of my cancer type, the size, the lumpectomy effects, imaging I had had, and what the next steps were to be. I was SUCH at peace with this specialist that I decided to go ahead and sign consent forms that very day! HOW SOON CAN YOU BOOK US?

It was less than 24 hours after our consultation, I received a phone call from the Best Doctors’ nurse, “We have you scheduled for the 29th at 8:00am.” My heart leapt out of my chest! God had protected me from settling for an unhealthy option for surgery, and He had provided a date in January! Hallelujah!

Fertility

Wow. What can I say except that again, like countless other moments in my life, because He is faithful, God provides.

2 1/2 weeks. The longest 2 1/2 weeks ever. We sat down in the fertility clinic, expecting to talk to someone about our options. By the end of the conversation, they told us “If you’re going to do this before surgery, you HAVE to start TODAY.” PRESSED for time. We didn’t have time to think, and God provided what we needed to get started through the blessings of others.

We discussed with somberness, the reality we were facing in regards to fertility after chemo. It all was hitting home again. Stupid cancer, coming in and setting up its ugly offense against my hopes and dreams. Okay, two can play at that game. I’m done shedding tears. I’m ready to fight back, and I have a lot of people praying us up. Okay, well, most days. Some days I do lay on the floor and cry in fear. But as soon as the tears stop, I’m back on the defense again with this resolve to fight again. It comes and goes…(waves, anyone?)

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nightly injections. I had never given myself a shot. What? I hate needles. You’re kidding me?!

A dear friend of mine came to sit with me while I administered my medicine, and we sang songs of God’s faithfulness through my pain. We sang the fear away. Way Maker. Miracle Worker. Promise Keeper. Light in the Darkness. My God, that is WHO YOU ARE. Look up child. Jesus draw me ever nearer, as I labor through the storm. I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again. You made a way, when there was no way. I raise a Hallelujah in the middle of the mystery….Perhaps our worship songs would one day become lullabies for my children in the future, Oh please, Lord, your will be done.

Derek and I fought panic as we worked with the medicine, and killed ourselves calling the right people to get the right medicine at the right time. We had to time deliveries and pharmacy pick-ups perfectly. Miss one dose, you mess everything up. No pressure. As we waited on our grant applications to be approved, we had a few moments where we had to get help from the clinic on getting the doses on time. Major stress. But we did it!

Morning drives up to the north side of Atlanta. I’ll tell you what, I have a new respect for all of y’all who commute into ATL for work. I’d never be able to do that on a regular basis. Praise the Lord for the HOV lane! Most of my appointments were at 7:45 in the morning, meaning we had to leave before the crack of dawn. We even had appointments on Sundays, due to the timing. Fertility treatment is all about timing.

My nerves were in knots as we watched my blood level results come back, and we went in to have ultrasounds. It was intense, yet amazing to watch. When we started, they said, “Now you have one that is awake, and one that is not awake, so don’t expect the other side to wake up. Normally, cancer patients don’t see progress on both sides.” We went from a minimal number on one side, to BOTH sides waking up and being FULL! The nurses charted their data, and I remember one of them (I’ll call her Nurse M) taking my hands on a very positive day. Nurse M looked me in the eye, “I had breast cancer when I was 30,” Tears fell from her eyes, “It was terrible, but I made it through. Your treatment is going to work, and you will be just fine.”

We watched and counted the number of successes as the numbers fluctuated. The highs were high, but they didn’t stay high. Each day was a nail biter. But eventually, they stayed high, and our hopes followed them. I prayed the prayer of Hannah in 1 Samuel. Ironic, really.

It was all about timing. I was basically on standby, waiting for the call to action that would set into motion what needed to happen for the retrieval. We got the call a day or so before it was time for action. They called, Sunday’s the day! I went through pre-op and we did my LAST 2 shots. The last 2 were the most painful of course, but I kept singing. Lord, distract me from the hurt!

Praise the Lord that the youth choir students were on a winter retreat. No rehearsal to worry about. Of course, God’s timing would be perfect! He had already cleared my schedule for the retrieval.

Derek and I prayed together and I went back for retrieval. The doctors and nurses were kind and graceful as they gave me everything I needed. I woke up from the perfect nap. “You’re all done, Hannah. They got 7. We’ll have to wait on the final results, but it’s lucky number 7!” Derek’s sweet voice was music to me before I even opened my eyes.

Today, I am recovering well. I’ve slept a lot and ate great food, as I try to bounce back from retrieval. We received a phone call from the Fertility Clinic: 6/7 WERE RETRIEVED SUCCESSFULLY! This is WAY more than we anticipated! PRAISE GOD FOR 6!!!!!

Prayer Needs

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray that as we are pressed, God will reveal our hearts and help us to grow in Him.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. God has been faithful, and we are so grateful to watch Him at work.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to continue to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season.
• Praise God for 6 successes in fertility!! Each one holds hope for us!
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family.
• Pray specifically for the NEW surgery date: January 29th at 8:00am!
• Pray for a successful Double Mastectomy with spacer surgery, with delayed DIEP flap surgery.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery after surgery. For no complications, for healing and a good report.
• Pray that the breast cancer cells would stay put, and not move to the lymph nodes.
• Pray for all the doctors and teams involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Joyfully, ImPRESSED by the grace of God,

Hannah Rock