Impact.

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:8-12

On November 7, 2013, my life changed dramatically. I remember that day very vividly. I was in my senior year at Truett-McConnell College. I was a vocal major, preparing for my senior recital. I was taking a hapkido class and had never felt better about my health in my life. At the time, I was dating someone at the time who was long distance, and who didn’t see me as a priority.

On Monday, I had gotten a phone call with updates from Mommy. My grandmother, my mom’s mom was very ill. She had had many previous health issues that had scared us in the past. But I knew this one was different. She had been back and forth to the hospital and was in ICU. My mom and her family were all working hard to see that Granny had everything she needed. They weren’t sure how long she would be with us. I called my long distance boyfriend to tell him that he may want to make the trip because we were going to need support for the crisis. I asked him if he could take off classes and be there to help us. He had absences left in the semester and could make it work to be there with us. He told me he’d think about it. I told him it was going to be a terrible week.

That week was the TMC Community Choir concert. We had practiced all semester long and were performing “Requiem” by John Rutter. The timing was something only God could have orchestrated. We sang about heaven, and how those who know Christ will be with Him forever. Our dress rehearsal was the same day as the phone call from my mom. I wept through the entire rehearsal, singing out my grief. It was so real. My choir friends rallied around me and gave me hugs and let me cry. I explained the situation, and they prayed over me. Precious, sweet friends.

The next day was the concert, and I knew my parents probably wouldn’t make it. They were with Granny in ICU, and I knew as soon as the concert was over, I’d have to pack a bag and be ready to join them. An hour before the concert, I got a call again from Daddy. More family had stepped in to help, and the ICU hospital was only a short drive from the church where we were performing. Mommy and Daddy were going to hear me sing, then get in the car and drive right back to the hospital. I couldn’t believe it. We took our places in the choir loft, behind the most beautiful orchestra, and my parents took their seats in the balcony.

The words of each movement came alive, as we felt God’s presence. I could see my mom weeping as the music and meaning washed over her. A moment of breath before the plunge into darkness. God had known the entire semester that we would need these songs to get us ready for what was to come. He was with us. It could NOT have been any more clear that the He was with us, comforting and going ahead of us.

I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me, “Blessed”
Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord.
For they rest, for they rest, for they rest from their labors.
They rest from their labors.
Even so saith the Spirit, for they rest…
Lux aeturna luceat eis, Domine Let light eternal shine upon them, O Lord
Cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, quia pius es With thy saints forever, for art merciful.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine. Grant them eternal rest, O Lord
Et lux perpetua luceat eis. And may light perpetual shine on them.

My parents waved goodbye before the closing announcements, and they ducked out to travel back to the hospital. It killed me not to join them yet, but they told me to wait until they told me to come. I went to class the next day, bags packed and ready to go. Again, I called my boyfriend at the time, like I had on Monday and asked him if he was coming. He wasn’t sure yet. I told him we didn’t have long. Please come home. I’m going to need help with this crisis. This is more than I can carry alone. No answer yet. I went to class, nervous, and just tried to rest, do homework, eat, and be ready to go when they called me. I went to bed that night determined to sleep well, the calm before the storm.

Thursday, November 7th, just before lunchtime, I got the call. They were calling in the family to come see her and say our goodbyes. I communicated with my professors, threw my bag in the car, and left campus.

The leaves were bright shades of orange, yellow, and red. The mountainside was a magnificent display of my favorite season of the year. I had the thought that if my grandmother had only a few days left on earth, what a beautiful last day this might be. I wished I could have taken her out on that road with me, to see the beauty I was seeing. But she couldn’t.

I followed my GPS about an hour and a half to the hospital in Roswell. People in north Atlanta drive very aggressively. I kept a keen eye on the other drivers, trying not to get run over. Just 2 miles from the hospital. I need to turn right, yield lane, let me check my blindspot over my left shoulder. I’m almost – CRASH!

I had been in a yield lane. I had looked over my left shoulder, twisted around, and the woman behind me thought I had gone. She proceeded to floor it aggressively, crashing into my bumper, full force. I now know she was 2 inches from hitting my gas tank, and I was about a foot from hitting oncoming traffic. It’s as if the Lord had put his hands around my car and protected me.

We pulled into the Chick-fil-a parking lot, and I called my Daddy. “Are you with Mommy? Okay, don’t tell Mommy.” He stepped out and asked what happened. It told him where I was and he told my mom he had to step out for something. He drove to me and helped me exchange insurance. We called the police to file a report and gave our information. Daddy helped follow me to the hospital and we parked. We came upstairs, and I saw Mommy who was exhausted. She smiled and ran to hug me but I stopped her and said, “I’m okay, I was just in a wreck. I’m shaken up but didn’t want to worry you until you could see I’m okay. That’s why Daddy had to step out. He helped me get here.” She understood, and we all went to Granny next.

They brought me in and I sat next to Granny. I took her hand, and they told me that she could hear me. I decided to describe the fall mountainside I had seen that day. I told her about the yellows, oranges, and reds. I told her about the leaves and trees and how amazing it was. I told her I loved her and squeezed her hand.

My aunt and uncle were there and encouraged me, along with my parents to go downstairs to get seen by a doctor for my wreck. I hated to leave them, but knew I had to get checked out. I wasn’t used to going to the doctor by myself, so it was scary.

“You have scoliosis.” They said.

What? What is that?! I don’t have time for this! My grandma is upstairs in ICU dying!

But it was true. My spine, which should normally be straight and slightly curved at the bottom, was an ‘S’ shape. My neck, which should normally curve inward, was curving slightly outward. I was all screwed up and had no idea how bad the pain was going to be. I was still in shock. They gave me medicine and highly recommended a chiropractor. I got what I needed and went upstairs.

The ICU waiting room was awful. My back was starting to really hurt, and my heart hurt for my family and my Granny. I knew she knew Jesus, so that was a comfort to know she would go to Heaven when she died, but still, it was a nightmare. I called my boyfriend to try to tell him what had happen. His phone was off. I tried again several times throughout the day. He didn’t answer. I cried because I was in pain, and because I felt abandoned by someone who I thought loved me.

The family gathered together around my grandmother and told stories. We called other family who couldn’t make it, and I think Granny was happy for all of us to be together one last time with her. I started really hurting, and my parents encouraged me to go back to campus and rest. So I did.

The next morning, I got a call from Daddy. Granny had passed away. I was sad and emotional. My body hurt from my wreck, but I knew that this week was far from over. The viewing and funeral were to come. I tried to call my boyfriend. No answer. I showered and prepared a new bag for the weekend. We went to the funeral and drove out to the graveside. Granny was laid to rest in the most beautiful field. The grass was kissed by sunshine, and there was a big tree with sunbeams peaking through it. I thought of Psalm 23 “You make me lie down in green pastures..” The beauty of God’s creation once again spoke to my heart of God’s enduring compassion and presence. I knew Granny was in His presence in Heaven, healed and no longer suffering.

It was the end of the longest week ever, but it was the beginning of my journey through back pain.

The next week, I received a call. It was my boyfriend. Where were you? He had planned to be at a conference without telling me, and he had turned his phone off even though he knew I was in a crisis. I told him everything that had happened. He wasn’t there for me. Still, I made excuses for him and refused to see the truth for a long while.

At first, the medicine I was on masked the pain, and I thought that my injury wasn’t that bad. I even continued to take hapkido classes, not realizing the damage I was doing to my back. I didn’t realize the medicine was making me feel better than I was, and I needed medical attention and therapy.

Because of the emotions tied up in my back pain, made the WORST mistake with recovery. I avoided going to the chiropractor or physical therapy. I avoided seeing a doctor. I thought if the medicine took care of the pain, then it must not be as big a deal as I thought. I was wrong. For a full month, I avoided the problem. Christmas came, which is always busy. I was too busy for recovery.

The TRUTH was that if I faced my recovery, I would have to face the emotional pain too. And I didn’t want to do that.

It wasn’t until January that my family talked me into seeing a chiropractor. The next few months I would have to endure severe neck and back pain at the chiropractor, including light therapy and massage beds. I had 4 months of excruciating pain before my senior recital. Being a vocal major is all about standing tall and having perfect alignment to sing. I could barely stand. My final semester of college, I was back and forth to the chiropractor. When I wasn’t in class, I was on and off ice and heating pads.

Every time my back hurt, I relived the emotional pain. I felt abandoned by my boyfriend. I felt sad for my Granny passing away. I hurt for my mom and her family’s loss and emotions. I felt like I had lost my ability to thrive as a vocalist by not being able to stand straight. Everything hurt, and I cried A LOT during this season.

It took a few months for me to realize how badly this hurt me, and that my boyfriend at the time wasn’t what God had in store for me, but when I did, I finally broke up with him the following year. It was a difficult decision.

I recovered physically, but I never shook off the PTSD of the emotional pain I went through during that time.

After I started dating Derek, I threw my back out again at Barnes & Noble in 2016. I was in so much pain AGAIN. I had to stop volunteering at my church at the time. I relived my wreck and the emotions that came with it. But this time, I wasn’t alone. Derek took care of me. He helped me ice my back. He listened and comforted me when I was in pain. That time in our dating showed me his true heart, and that I would never have to worry about him leaving me during a crisis. What an amazing man! It took a long time to recover, once again. But Derek encouraged me to face my fears and get help from the chiropractor. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life so far. I recovered physically, and I felt like I had finally dealt with some of the emotional pain that came with healing. Slowly but surely, my body recovered.

That crash on November 7th, 2013 dramatically impacted my body, heart, mind, and spirit. It was a perfect storm from which I have never been able to fully recover. I don’t know why. I feel marked by it. My body has never been the same.

One thing I did learn from all of this is that when you go through trauma or pain, do not ignore it. It will not just disappear if you look the other way. It’s okay to get help. Medical help. Counseling. Whatever it is, don’t be ashamed if you need someone to be a part of your recovery. God may be waiting to provide what you need if you would be willing to face that fear. I also think that going through these experiences prepared me for walking through cancer.

Occupational Therapy

I began OT 3 weeks ago. It all started when I was going to radiation and my armpit area started hurting. That’s pretty normal when you’re going through radiation. The skin tightens and the muscles weaken.

We started off easy, with simple arm exercises. She wanted to correct my posture, as I had been leaning forward due to pain in my chest. We worked through the pain in my armpit with multiple types of exercises.

It wasn’t long before I started experiencing back pain. Oh no, here we go again.

As we pushed my body, my therapist began to realize that something was off with my back. It uncovered all the issues from that wreck. She brought in a back specialist, who was quick to say “Yep, she’s crooked.” I couldn’t believe it. She watched me walk, and told me I was off. She watched me sit and had major corrected for me. She had me lie down and wanted to fix how I slept. I had NO idea that I was overcorrecting my muscles because of the old injury, and EVERYTHING I do was impacted. It was discouraging. I have to RE-learn how to walk, sit, lay down, stand?!

I was angry at first. That’s NOT what I came in here for. I came here for my arm, not my old back injury. I don’t WANT to feel all of the pain again, physical and emotional. Nonetheless, I was assigned back exercises that brought it all back. Here I am again, trying to straighten out what was bent a long time ago.

I went to see some friends of mine, who have been praying for me while I’m going through therapy. These friends had been with me back in 2016 when I had my second season of back pain. And I hadn’t told them anything that I had been through yet. I mentioned therapy and that my back was becoming an issue. My friend smiled and told me he had been praying SPECIFICALLY that physical therapy would draw out any continuing issues with my back, and for my complete healing.

I couldn’t believe it. God was answering his prayer! As much as I had not wanted to face it, AGAIN. God was using this therapy to take care of me. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need.

I am currently going to rehab twice a week for occupational therapy. It’s HARD, physically and emotionally to face the pain again. But I’m getting stronger. I’ve got from stretches, to strength building exercises. We use pulleys, balls, a bike for my hands, and athlete tape. We have done soft yoga. I meditate on the Lord when I do it 🙂 We have done stretching and massage techniques. She does a lymphatic massage to stimulate my lymphatic system once a week. I’m learning a lot!

Opportunities to Share the Gospel

I love my occupational therapists. I told them that there is a long list of people who have helped me on my cancer journey, and they are right there with the best of them. I feel like God has provided all of the best helpers in all fields.

Every week, twice a week, one of them shares with me about her son. She and I have talked about current events, coronavirus, and our experiences. We talked about places we have traveled to and places we want to travel to. We talk a LOT while I’m exercising or getting a massage. We talked about leadership, and how I get to mentor students in my jobs with the co-op and church youth choir. We have talked about shows and theater. There’s always a good conversation between us.

While we were talking about her son, we started discussing reading. My mom taught me to read and I LOVE reading. I was homeschooled and had the opportunity to read all kinds of books in middle and high school. She mentioned that he asked her to read the Bible before bed one night. He was asking about how to deal with anger, so they sat down and tried to read the Bible. She only had a KJV, so they couldn’t understand it. So she looked up a YouTube video on how to handle anger (You go Mama!)

I told her you can get children’s Bibles, that have lots of pictures and are easy to read. I also mentioned that there are easy translations on the YouVersion app for the Bible, such as NIV or ESV. She thanked me and said that she wanted to get her son a children’s Bible, but that she also wanted to get him a book on Hindu and a book on Buddhism. She told me she believes that there is one God for every religion, and that everyone is going to Heaven. She admitted that she wasn’t sure if this was right to teach him, but one day she would find out.

I listened to her for a long time. I wanted to make sure she knew that I respected her point of view and that as a person, she is valuable to me. I didn’t want to just hit her with Scripture and try to shove the gospel down her throat. I genuinely care about her and want her to know the truth.

I prayed in my heart before I spoke, because I wanted to be sure to be loving in how I came across, but also sharing the truth. I said that she had an interesting perspective on the subject, and that I respectfully disagree. I told her that I believed that the Bible is true, and that Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven.

She said that she respected me also, and that she wouldn’t want to get in the way of me believing my truth. I recognized her post-modern point of view. I however, believe in absolute truth. I believe that it is objective, not subjective. I decided to press a little more, making sure to be clear.

I told her that I cared about her, and that because of what I believe, it would be unloving for me to say nothing. I told her that I believe that unless SHE believes in Jesus, that she would be missing out on her only way to Heaven also. I told her that I only wanted to share THE truth because I love her and want her to believe in Jesus too.

She was silent for awhile, so I told her something else that I believe is SO important for my generation.

I said, “You know, I am so thankful that we can talk kindly to one another and respectfully disagree. I still want to share what I believe is the truth, but we are still friends right?” She smiled at me. I went on. “My Daddy taught me a long time ago that just because you disagree, doesn’t mean you have to be disagreeable. I want to continue to talk and be kind to one another, even when we come from different perspectives.” She agreed with me. We talked about how people in our world are not good at doing that. People who disagree are mean to each other or don’t sit down and listen to some one. Kindness is important.

She didn’t accept the truth that day, but I believe God will use this interaction to plant a seed. I hope and pray it grows in time and that one day she and her son will believe and accept Jesus Christ. Until then, I have to be a good steward of my therapy to continue to present excellence to her. I want to represent my recovery AND my Jesus well with all my heart. I’m also praying about getting her a children’s Bible and/or Women’s Study Bible. Praying for wisdom on what to do and how to say it in a way that reaches her!

Oncology Appointment

I had my follow up appointment with my oncologist. I had been dreading this one because it meant the start of one more kind of hormonal therapy. I have JUST been getting back into the swing of things, and now there’s another new medicine. I knew that it was coming, because it was included in my treatment plan. This medicine is prescribed for 5-10 years. It is a type of hormone inhibitor. Because my cancer is ER positive (estrogen), the hormone inhibitor helps to calm my body down so that my hormones won’t trigger a recurrence.

I was nervous because during IVF and surgery season, I was on a similar medicine. The previous medicine made me have some side effects that were very discouraging. All part of chemically-induced menopause. I assumed that when I began my 5-10 year medicine, it would be this same medicine. BUT at my appointment, they gave me a different kind that I will be on for a long time. I’m hoping that even though the side effects will be similar because it functions the same in that it’s a hormone inhibitor, the most discouraging aspects of this new medicine will work better with my body.

In addition to my 5-10 year medicine, I also get a shot that puts my ovaries to sleep. This helps us keep them calm and hopefully will keep them healthy enough to bear children in the next few years. We discussed our hopes and dreams of being parents with my oncologist. She was VERY positive about working with us on balancing my treatment, while still providing windows of opportunity for us to start a family one day. It will be a process, but we are excited to try. I will need at least 1-2 years on the medicine to watch and be sure no recurrence happens, then we will follow up and go from there. It’s exactly what we were expecting. I’m still nervous about what will happen in regards to fertility, but I know God’s perfect plan will come to pass.

I was excited during my appointment because my exam went EXTREMELY well. My oncologist was SHOCKED at how well everything looked: my skin, my spacers, my lymph nodes, no lymphedema, scars are healing. I thought to myself Yeah, that’s why I went to the BEST doctors in Atlanta for plastic surgery and radiation. I didn’t settle for local for convenience. Thank God! The results of my surgeries and treatment speak for themselves. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of those who walked us through getting second opinions, doing our research, driving up to Atlanta, and helped in the process of decision-making.

My next planning appointment with the plastic surgeon is September 11. I will meet with the doctor and begin discussing and planning my reconstruction plan. It’s going to be hard, but I’m excited to be closer to finished!

Jovie

In addition to occupational therapy, I have been working on increasing my overall exercise and eating lots of veggies and fruits! One of my goals has been to get up and walk outside more, to increase my daily steps.

Derek and I have been talking for awhile about getting a dog. Ever since we bought our house, we knew we would probably eventually have a dog. Our back yard is PERFECT for a dog. Our neighborhood is AMAZING for walking. While I’m more of a cat person by nature, I still love to love on doggies and grew up with them. Derek is ALWAYS loving on other people’s dogs, and is DEFINITELY a dog person. So we talked it over, and I told him that a dog would be a fantastic way to help me in my recovery process. A new furry friend to help me be active, and to nurture and take care of while Derek is at work.

We kept our eye on adoption centers and visited a few that just didn’t connect. One day, I was at our local animal shelter, and I found the sweetest black lab puppy! Her eyes are what got me! I took her home, and we got her everything she needs and lots of chew toys! We named her Jovie! Jovie is the name of Buddy the Elf’s girl on the Christmas movie ELF. Derek loves ELF, and it suited our new baby perfectly.

The first few days were an adjustment, but after getting used to our new schedule, we are doing great! I am walking the neighborhood a lot more, and play with Jovie in the backyard with a bouncy ball and a frisbee. My occupational therapist even gave me games to play with the dog to work out my surgery arm.

Jovie is loving her new home, and we love her! I also have met my goal ALREADY of being more active. I checked my steps from before Jovie, and after, and I have almost tripled my daily number of steps! I feel more energetic, even though I still have days of fatigue. But each day is more and more encouraging! Lord, thank you for our new doggie!

Prayer Requests

• Pray for the seed of the gospel that was planted in the therapist’s life to grow. That she would come to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and believe that He is the only way to Heaven. Pray also for her son and family to do the same, and for wisdom for Hannah on how to love her and represent Christ well!
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery from radiation. Pray for reduced fatigue and soreness. Pray for the continuing physical therapy for Hannah’s arm and back. Pray for encouragement as Hannah does her daily exercises to regain mobility.
• Pray for Hannah’s old back injury, that while treating her surgery arm, she would also find complete healing in her back and neck. Pray for alignment and posture to be corrected, and for pain to subside. Pray for complete emotional healing from the memories & feelings that back pain carries.
• Pray for encouragement as Hannah goes through hormonal therapy. Pray for the medicine to begin working to minimize side effects. Pray for continued wisdom and healing through the chemically-induced menopause season.
• Pray for Hannah’s emotional and mental healing in addition to physical, and for continuing conversations with her cancer counselor to be helpful and healing.
• Pray for blessings on our new dog Jovie, that we would continue to adjust and thrive. Pray for this to be a great emotional support dog, and a great help for Hannah to be more active.
• Pray for future fertility, that by God’s grace we would trust him with our future children, if that’s His will for us. Pray for God to guide the fertility process and for there to be a safe window in the next few years to try.
• Pray for the reconstruction process to come, for God to guide our plastic surgeons and schedule for the best timing, provision, and healing for Hannah.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray for Hannah’s story to encourage others who are walking through cancer, and God to use this valley to help others in similar places in life.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Getting up to take out the dog, and get my heart pumping!

Hannah Rock