"Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”  Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”
John 21:18-19

IMPORTANT PRAYER REQUEST:

We got a phone call from my Breast Specialist with the pathology results from my double mastectomy. As we expected, the cancer has NOT spread to the lymph nodes. As we expected, the team got all of the breast tissue out, nothing was left behind. However, the rest of the tumor that they removed was long and narrow and measured 4cm. The tumor board will meet to decide whether the pieces of my tumor put together was more than 5cm or not. (*Update: Wednesday afternoon – Still waiting on a phone call from the tumor board. May hear something tomorrow.)

More than 5cm in tumor size means I WILL have to have radiation.
Less than 5cm in tumor size means I WON’T have to have radiation.

PLEASE PRAY FERVENTLY THAT THE OVERALL TUMOR SIZE IS
LESS THAN 5CM AND THAT I WILL NOT
HAVE TO GO THROUGH RADIATION!

This is a little nerve wracking, because I thought we were out of the woods. But we will have to wait and see. Overall, good news, so I am trying to stay positive. I’ll be honest, I don’t want to go through radiation. As always, however, whatever the outcome, it is well with my soul. God is in control.

Have you ever driven on a foggy night? Through patches of mist, making it hard to see. There is some fear in not knowing where you’re heading. Blurred images in the distance. Headlights become clear as they get close. Don’t turn on your brights! Your lights only let you see about a foot ahead of you. You go slow, cautiously making sure you are going the right direction.

These past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I am driving on a foggy road. My thoughts are clear for awhile, then I slip into a foggy moment. I forget what I was thinking or saying, or have to think to remember what I was trying to accomplish. The exhaustion at this point is indescribable, but I’m going to make it to the other side of this fog into the clear open road eventually. For now, I’m navigating through the mist, taking each mile as far as I can get each day.

I’ve had the chance to give quick updates on Facebook, but I am just now getting to where I can articulate what has been going on the last few weeks.

The first part of my journey was emotional. The second, mental. Now, I’m finally hitting the physical challenges that come with cancer. This is proving to be the most taxing so far, but with God’s grace and a lot of help from many hands and hearts, I’ll get there.

As always, for a summary of updates/what to pray for, scroll to the bottom of the page. I love being free to process this journey through words. Thank you all for your patience with my detailed stories. I have enjoyed writing again, even through current circumstances. For short updates, please feel free to go on to the bottom of the page 🙂

Surgery Recovery

Let me start off by saying that today, almost 2 weeks after my surgery, I GOT MY DRAINS OUT! Now, it’s difficult to describe to everyone what that means. But it makes all the difference in the world. My pain management has been the hardest part of this leg of the journey, and getting the drains out will significantly lower my overall pain level. I am gaining strength with each day, but I’m also trying to pace myself. Small victories, baby steps. Don’t overdo it, Hannah.

My surgery was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. It was my FIRST ever hospital stay. My first MAJOR surgery (my lumpectomy and fertility retrieval were easy, out-patient, and relatively pain-free). One of the worst parts of this experience that was I was NOT ready for the pain. I had assumed, since I’m very young and have never been through anything like this before, and have been VERY healthy all of my life, that the pain medicine would take away all the pain.
NOT TRUE.

I had been so focused on the mental strain of actually planning the details of the surgery, getting to the surgery date, and setting up everything for recovery, that I did not prepare myself for what it would actually FEEL like to go through this kind of surgery. (THANK GOD I didn’t go through the FULL MD and DIEP!) I should’ve BRACED myself for the pain, but I didn’t. Had I to do it over again, I would have been more diligent to understand the importance of pain management after major surgery, and how to communicate with the nurses on call, and realize that the medicine only makes the pain BEARABLE. I have a very low tolerance and threshold for pain, and I don’t like to show when I’m hurting or complain about pain, so this was really rough on my body and my spirit. But going through that excruciating pain, and the difficult days to follow, is now part of my story. This hardship has shown me a grace that the Lord and others have had in getting me through it. I’m so glad that I’m through the worst of it. Like everything else, this too shall pass.

DAY 1:
Before this picture, I had been stuck in the bed, unable to lift my arms at all. I was originally supposed to stay 1 night in the hospital. I couldn’t even hold my bottle of Gatorade for more than a few seconds with a straw to drink. I couldn’t use my arms for anything. I couldn’t push my hands down on the bed to sit up. I had to learn to use my leg strength to accomplish what used to be simple movements. The first night was alright, but my body was still on anesthesia and additional pain medicine that was prescribed to me.

DAY 2:
The second day was the worst. Right before we were trying to decide if I should go home, the medicine wore off, and I was in excruciating pain. One of my nurses was young and inexperienced, and allowed me to go without part of my necessary pain medicine. I spiraled into pain that I never should have experienced. I was blindsided by excruciating pain which I can’t even begin to describe.

They tell you when you are recovering from major surgery to “stay ahead of the pain.” If you stay true to the medicine schedule that is prescribed, you should be able to manage the pain. But if you allow pain to get out of control, it is difficult to bring you back to normal and manage pain.

Thanks to some wise advice, I decided to spend another night in the hospital to get my pain back under control. My aunt, who is an experienced nurse came and spent the day with me! She was an angel and helped us know how to navigate the situation.

They shifted off nurses to more experienced nurses that knew how to keep me on schedule with my medicine. In the end, it was the BEST decision to stay one extra night. Derek waited patiently with me, sleeping by my side on a cot, and was so encouraging with every step. We had other friends and family that stayed with us along the way, and I am SO thankful for ALL of you. I was beyond out of it, and weary in the fight of my life, but I knew you were there and it helped so much.

DAY 3:
Finally we tried again the next day after lots of sleep. I decided to try to walk, even though every small movement hurt. I got out of bed carefully, and Derek helped me on my lap around the hospital floor. It took a long time, and each step felt like I might tip over. Derek spotted me the whole time, and I had my hospital bar to lean on. Each small step was one step closer to going home. It shocked me how hard it was to do simple things, like walking, lifting a drink to my mouth, going to the bathroom, etc.

GOING HOME – THE FIRST FEW DAYS
I completely overestimated my energy on the first day home. My caretakers helped me follow a strict medicine schedule, but again, I was in more pain than I had expected. It scared me because I had been brought down from a 9-10 pain scale, to like a 7-8 pain scale. Ordinary tasks became mountains, and suddenly I was at the bottom, staring at the daunting climb ahead of me. Friends came by to help, and my mom was incredible as I hit the lowest lows following the hospital. I was constantly in pain, even though the medicine helped to counter it, and ice packs honestly were really my only relief other than sleep. On coming home, I tried to do more than I should and ended up getting very sick. I threw up, my body was still purging from anesthesia and all the medicines. My colon was not adjusting well, which was painful, even when I was taking steps to get things going.

I had a moment in the worst of it where I started having a panic attack and shaking from fear, I had a low grade fever and I was being checked on constantly. In that panic, I quoted over and over this verse OUT LOUD:

“I can do all things through Him who gives me strength Philippians 4:13“

I kid you not, as I spoke the Word out loud, my whole body calmed down. My fever broke. And my shaking/panic shivers stopped. I could feel the Holy Spirit of Jesus washing over me, giving me a moment of peace in the thick of it. The Word of God is powerful.

LIMITS
Those of you that know me well know how independent and stubborn I am. I was able to delegate my vocational work, which drove me crazy because I want to work hard and pour into students and ministries, but now I know it was absolutely necessary. It’s making sense, because I’ve had to delegate normal, daily activities, to even be able to function, and receive help doing the most basic things.

I couldn’t lift my arms to put my hair in a bun. I couldn’t reach the faucet handles to wash my hands. I needed help sitting up in bed at times. I couldn’t wash my own hair or bathe without assistance. Honestly, I couldn’t bathe that first week, which is gross and made things even more miserable. I sometimes needed help getting to the bathroom. I couldn’t put on my own socks. I couldn’t bend over if something dropped. There were so many other small but big things. It was a major shock to be so limited so quickly.

Depending on others is a humbling experience. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Acts of service is my husband’s love language. It’s hard for me to not feel guilty when others do things for me. I am still thankful. But it’s a struggle. I want to be independent. I’m frustrated when I can’t do things myself. I’m learning to accept help from others, even in small things.

I have had great help and accountability when it comes to taking my medicine. At the hospital, they use a white board to write down the times for the medicine that the patient takes, so we set up our own white board at home. Derek has had a running list, and we are on schedule. I’m excited to be weaning off of the major medicines. I really don’t like taking them. But I’m thankful for the pain medicine and muscle relaxer medicine, as I genuinely need them to help with the pain. The biggest surprise is that the pain never actually goes away. Like I said before, I assumed that the pain medicine would completely take away my pain. Wrong. It merely softens the blow. I’m always in pain. I’ve come to accept that I will be until my body heals.

One of the biggest lessons the Lord is teaching me is dependence on Him and the Body of Christ. He’s using others to show me what to be thankful for, to show me His Hands and Feet, and to provide our needs even when I’m down for the count. I’m thankful for you all, truly. Below is a FEW pictures we captured from the first days home.

LATER IN THE WEEK
We finally found our rhythm and I even figured out how to get some sleep. Watching marathons on Disneyplus, while keeping my medicine schedule and icing the sore areas. I’ve had good days and bad days. But each person has been gracious and helpful, even while I’ve been adjusting to the new normal. Each day builds stamina, in small victories, using the restroom being a big victory. I’m very swollen under my right armpit where they took 2 lymph nodes, in addition to the pain from the mastectomy and tissue expander. The swollen place from lymph nodes meant I can’t use my dominant arm. I’ve had to figure out how to use my left hand to accomplish tasks, which is weird. I’m learning to succeed at small tasks that require unusual amounts of energy than I used to. I washed my own hair yesterday (it took a while and major patience to do it successfully), but I’m getting there day by day.

I had 4 drains, 2 on each side. Three times a day we had to take care of my drains and keep a log. They were very uncomfortable and annoying. I felt like Doc Oc from Spider-Man. I had to sleep on my back, and we became experts at pillow placement. I’m usually a side-sleeper, so it has been killing my back to sleep like this. Thank God for icepacks. Each day I drained a little less. 1 week later, which felt like an eternity, I got 2 out of 4 drains out. Today, I got the other 2 out. It was painful getting them out, but a relief to finally feel human again.

During an afternoon of clarity in between naps, I decided to go wig shopping online. It was really fun! I had a gift card for Amazon, and I was super excited to explore my options for wigs online. I love my hair, and the opportunity to try different styles is actually really fun. I’m not allowing myself to cry over the loss of my hair yet, even though I know it’s inevitable. There’s too many other cares to worry about right now. But even so, I let myself have fun shopping for wigs. I found some fun synthetic wigs on Amazon for a great deal, a chance to try some things out before things get too emotional with my appearance. I’d rather try them now then have it be harder later. I also know there are other options I could try, but for now this is the style I’m going for.

As I recover, I’ve had moments where I’m doing okay, and I’m able to sit propped up on pillows and watch TV. In the good moments, I get a little stir crazy and miss seeing the people I love at work, church, or friends. But those moments fade into the fog of feeling in pain, exhausted, or I feel sleepy from medicine and not up for anything other than resting. I’m doing my best to not push myself too quickly, and to listen to my body as I depend on others to help me. It’s hard to need help for normal things, cause I want to be normal. It’s a reality check.

If I don’t come to the door or answer the phone immediately, it may be one of those harder moments, where I’m not doing to well. Please know I love you all, and appreciate so much you reaching out to me. Knowing that I have so much love from you all helps to remind me of how God is working in all of this, and that I’m not alone. I’m still amazed that cards, gifts, and packages continue to arrive from friends and family. I love the text messages and Facebook messages that continue to lovingly fill my inbox. We’ve had fantastic meals being brought from our church family and friends through MealTrain. Thank you so much for your love, your help, and your prayers! I hope to respond to you all in time, but please be patient with me during this time. It’s been rough y’all.

God Moving, Even in the Fog

We have seen amazing miracles in spite of the challenges we have faced the past 2 weeks (why is it always two weeks lol). God’s provision continues to grow our faith, and we have watched Him take care of our needs in remarkable ways.

There are many God stories, but one of my favorites is a fellow pink sister of mine, I’ll call her G. She actually was just going about her everyday life, and had mentioned to Derek that she was reading my blog. He shared our journey, and she was super encouraging. A week later she found out that she had cancer. Through a series of circumstances, she was able to get connected to the SAME doctors that I have seen, and is going through treatment very quickly! She even met with these doctors on the day of my surgery!

God is using my story, (really His story) and the stories of many other of my pink sisters, to encourage her in this time. We are praying for your G, may God richly bless you, guide you, and bring you to complete healing and provision, just as He is proving faithful in my own journey. He is faithful! He is present! He sees you and knows each fear, each doctor visit, each pain, and each grief. He holds your tears in his hands, and holds your future. Lord, bless her. She is a blessing to us!

Upcoming Appointments:

We have four events/appointments coming up:
Tomorrow, Wednesday February 12th – Phone call from Tumor Board determining radiation or not
Friday, February 14th – Follow up with the Breast Specialist (Valentine’s date to follow this appointment <3)
Tuesday, February 18th – Follow up with plastic surgeon for continued care with tissue expanders
Wednesday, February 19th – Follow up with my oncologist, first time seeing cancer doctor since fertility treatments and since double mastectomy surgery. We will most likely discuss our schedule for chemo, and any other details.

I’m very blessed next week in that Derek is on Winter Break at school! I’m looking forward to having him go with me to these appointments. I’m also excited just to spend time with him in general. I have the best husband in the world. I love you Derek!

Prayer Needs:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray EARNESTLY that the Tumor Board will decide that Hannah’s total tumor size is LESS THAN 5CM and that she will NOT have to go through radiation!!
• Praise God that Hannah got ALL of her drains out! Pray for continued healing and pain management as she recovers. Pray for her body to heal with no infections, for her to regain range of motion in both arms.
• Pray for daily small victories, that Hannah would have the wisdom to know when to get up and move around, and when to rest. Pray that she would make steady progress daily as she recovers.
• Pray for pink sisters who are reading this blog, especially our friend G, for healing and God’s presence in their lives! Jesus loves you!
• Pray for Derek’s Winter Break, that we would be able to check off appointments and tasks easily and effectively. But also for Derek to get rest and rejuvenate, and have time to gain what he needs to recharge.
• Pray for good sleep at night in general.
• Pray for the tissue expansion process to go quickly and easily, and with manageable pain.
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family. Pray for the successful delivery of the 6 eggs to the long-term storage facility.
• Pray for our follow up with the Breast Specialist, for no surprises, a good report, good and helpful information, and no issues.
• Pray for our meeting with the oncologist, that it would go smoothly, with good information and preparation in the coming days. Pray for decisions we might have to make, and for a good schedule for chemo.
• Pray for the chemo process which will follow the surgery recovery time, so coming soon.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season. Pray for Derek as he fills in/directs the Middle School Choir at church.
• Pray that Hannah would remember to put her identity in Jesus Christ and His Word, instead of being defined by a change in her body or appearance. Pray for joy in the Lord.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Persevering, One step at a time,

Hannah Rock