“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18

Well, I didn’t think I’d be resurrecting the old blog like this, but here we are. Sometimes, you plan and feel like life is going to go on like normal with no interruptions, and then it hits. Suffering. Tragedy. Loss. The valleys in life that we find ourselves in unexpectedly. Nothing can prepare us for some of the curveballs that get thrown our way. We get the wind knocked out of us, and feel like we can’t breathe. We feel like there’s no way that this could be our reality, that if we go to sleep, we will wake up and find it was all a bad dream. But you wake up, and the truth is still there, and it’s daunting.

I am here to tell you, that EVEN IF these things happen. When they happen. We can still find hope in God. And I know what you’re probably thinking. How could a good God allow bad things to happen? The age-old question. I don’t know the answer to that, but I know my God is GOOD. He didn’t intend for life to have suffering when he created the world. Man’s sin brought suffering into the world, and death. We broke the world, and no one is good enough to fix it. Only a perfect and holy God. So God saw it fit to send his Son Jesus to die for our sins to provide a way of salvation in spite of how the Fall wrecked the world. We have an opportunity to accept his free gift of forgiveness for our sins, if only we would repent. I have made that decision long ago, and God has been with me ever since. God’s heart is pure and right and compassionate. And while we don’t always understand this side of heaven WHY things are the way that they are, we can trust that His Character remains the same. He cares about us, and He will provide our needs when we ask in humility. He will bring glory through the scars of life, and walk with us in those valleys.

We can choose to run away from God when life brings suffering, or we can choose to run to Him. The choice is yours. I’ve made mine.

Diagnosis: The Sequel

On August 9th, I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. There’s a lot more to the story, and I’m sure I’ll get on here and do some detailed explaining (both for my records and to share with you all so you know how to support and pray.) But in short, I had back and lung issues over the last few months. I saw chiropractors, spinal specialists, tried medicines, CT scan (which showed NOTHING), saw my primary care for pneumonia, x-rays, inhalers, pulmonologist, 2 surgeries on my lung cavity to alleviate pnuemonia (which didn’t work), and finally a PET scan and visit with my oncologist. That’s when we got the news.

My cancer is back. Stage 4 means that it has spread to other areas of the body, which is scary. There’s some nodules in the center of my sternum area (including some lymphatic areas) in the middle of my chest. I also have nodules on my pleural wall (which is the lining of my lung cavity, but not in the lung itself.) That is what is causing the fluid to build back up in my system, and the root of the perpetual pneumonia. I also have a spine bone that has cancer in it (the root cause of my excruciating back pain.) Theres a spot in my right rib bone, and my right hip bone as well.

When we first found out we were dumbfounded. Everything they had told us about my cancer said that I only had a 2% chance of recurrence. We also had been given the green light to try to get pregnant for a 2 year window, which science (and my scans & blood work) had said was safe. There was no way for any of us to know that the cancer was growing in the meantime until I became symptomatic. We never got pregnant, and now we have to change everything. Now we shift our approach into fighting this cancer, and surviving. It’s a lot to process, and it’s taken me a LONG time to be able to write about it on here, and I’ve also had a lot of terrible health days that have prevented me from writing as well.

Treatment: Next Steps

• Pulmonology:
  I have had terrible pneumonia symptoms for 9 weeks now. I can’t lay flat without coughing, and my coughing fits are so bad sometimes I can’t catch my breath and feel like I’m choking. I’ve had 2 procedures called a thorancetisis, where they put a tube in and drain the lung cavity. (Each time they took off 1.5 liters of fluid.) Within a 2 week period, the fluid returned, and they had to do it again in order to get a visual scan for PET scan.
  
  Today, they did an x-ray and the fluid has returned back to the same level, and is putting pressure on my lung cavity. They are going to put the order in for me to get a PleuraCath which is a semi-permanent tube (like a port) where I can self-drain fluid off my lung cavity at home.
  
  They train you on how to clean the site, and how to maintain it. I just hope it provides relief from the inability to manage my breathing the last few months. I haven’t been able to sing, and sometimes not able to talk from how bad it’s been. Physical activity is hard when you can’t really breathe well. I’m hoping the new tube will take the miserable coughing out of the picture until treatment can get rid of the source.
  
• Medicine: My pain has been excruciating between my pneumonia cough, my back, and my general fatigue from cancer. My doctor prescribed me appropriate doses of medicines for sleep management, pain management, and anxiety management. I also have a care support nurse through our insurance, that has been on call that has been assisting me with any medication questions and keeping things on track. (She’s amazing!) Not everything is perfect with meds, but it is helping some for now. I still am only getting 3-4 hours of sleep at a time, and constantly icing my back pain through the night.
  
• Radiation: I met with my radiation oncologist, and we created a plan to radiate the spinal bone and sternum areas in week 1, and radiating the hip bone in week 2. They said that I’ll see them every day starting tomorrow 8/20 (which is also my first week of classes at Summit. I’ll leave school and go straight to the center for treatment.) They say that radiation brings the pain levels way down, but it takes a few weeks to take effect. I’m hopeful that it’ll work on the back and hip pain. Walking is hard some days.
  
• Handicap tag: My doctor also called in an order for a temporary handicap tag for my car. We got it prepped at the DMV, and it was the weirdest thing parking in that spot the first time. But it DOES help when I’m struggling so much to breath and walk.
  
• Scans: My PET scan was very bad, including the spinal bone, right hip, some right rib, sternum and pleural wall areas. They also have me scheduled for a brain MRI the end of this month which is daunting but necessary.
  
• Oncology: They were supposed to get me in for a biopsy appointment last week, but we’ve had some clerical delays. We checked in with them today and were told they would get back to us. Once they get me in, they are going to take a sample so they know what we’re dealing with on a cellular level: type of cancer, grade, and aggression levels, etc. Once they know that, they can tailor the type of treatment to me (which I’m going ahead and preparing myself for the reality of chemo. But no plans on the calendar yet.)
  
• Endocrine: They are planning on starting me on endocrine therapy shots and hormone blockers again, since my cancer is hormone driven. This means I will go back into chemical menopause. If I had gotten pregnant, it would have advanced my cancer. I am simultaneously grieved at this news and also relieved, as it could have been so much worse than it is now. I’m grieving the fact that I’m not going to be a mom anytime soon, but I’ll take being thankful for life today for now. It’s a lot, but trying to keep my eyes on Jesus. Waiting on the office to get back to us to schedule to get me in for my shot and call in my medicine. Again, delays but we checked in today and trying to get them to fast-track as much as we can (even though it’s frustrating.)
  
• Clinical Trials: We are exploring the idea of changing oncology teams and considering Emory to try their teams, about which we’ve heard a lot of good and encouraging stories. We got connected with their office today and got registered and waiting to hear back (hopefully tomorrow) about scheduling a consultation. We have a temporary place-holder for now, but they are working with the oncologist to move my date earlier to get us in faster.
  
• Diet: We have learned SO MUCH in the last week about a specific type of metabolic therapy using a strict version of the KETO diet. There’s a lot I could say here, but basically it’s NO sugar, low carb, high good fats (beef, avocado, bacon, chicken, mayonnaise, butter, cream, cheese, nuts, etc.) and trying to deter production of glucose/glutamine in the body (green tea helps). I can’t have sugar or bread products, and no starchy vegetables like corn or potatoes. There’s a lot of substitutes we’ve been switching to the last week (like monk fruit sweetener instead of sugar.) We’ve been eating a TON of veggies too, salads, steamed veggies, and raw veggie snacks. And a lot of other new foods! It’s been a HUGE adjustment, but cancer feeds on the glucose/glutamine, so if I can starve what the cells are hungry for, it’ll make them weak and make treatment more effective. I’ve learned to make KETO blueberry muffins, chaffles (my favorite), and still playing with recipes to find the ones that work for us. I told Derek he doesn’t have to join me, but he wants to try, so we’ve been learning together. Thanks to all who have been coaching us! We’re not perfect but trying and getting better at it each day.
  
• Insurance: So far everything has been in-network. Which is a huge praise. We had already gone through a lot with Derek having heart issues at the beginning of the year, and he had surgery (An afib ablation.) Now we’re dealing with my stuff, which will also be a lot. We are praying through it and thankful that once we hit the max, treatment will be covered moving forward. And we know God will provide!

Blessings & Prayers:

Blessings:
We are so grateful to everyone who has poured out love, prayers, cards, food, support, home visits, texts, FB messages, and much much more in the last week and a half. One precious person even gifted us a TemperPedic bed with an adjustable base which has been a game-changer with my back and lung issues! What a God-send! We had a friend come and cut our grass the other week, which was such a relief. We had several family and friends who stepped into help when our air conditioning went out too in the middle of a heat wave (THANK YOU!) Everyone who has been praying and supporting, you all have shown us what a community of faith and family looks like. Thank you for standing with us and fighting with us against this cancer. I have done my best to respond to the many messages I’ve been receiving, but with everything going on, I want you all to know how much I appreciate you even if I’m not able to send a message back to every single text. You are loved, and I’m thankful for you!

We are working on a more specific list on ways people can help us during this time. We’ll keep you posted in the coming days on updates as we figure them out.

Prayer requests:
*Pray for our faith as we walk through the valley, that we would experience Jesus in the midst of trials, and keep our eyes fixed on him.
*Pray for Hannah’s body to stop growing cancer, and for wisdom for us to know the right treatment to destroy all the cancer cells in her body.
*Pray for pain relief and relief for Hannah’s lungs to be able to breathe, and stop the pneumonia.
*Pray for radiation to be effective, and for the side effects to be minimal, but the cancer cells to die off.
*Pray for Hannah and Derek as they begin a new school year, continuing to work and fight cancer at the same time.
*Pray for our families as they walk with us, for God to meet them too as they help and provide care and support.
*Pray most of all that God will be glorified, and Jesus proclaimed as Savior and Lord through this journey, EVEN IF it has to be a hard road.

Joyfully,
Hannah Rock

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:8-12

On November 7, 2013, my life changed dramatically. I remember that day very vividly. I was in my senior year at Truett-McConnell College. I was a vocal major, preparing for my senior recital. I was taking a hapkido class and had never felt better about my health in my life. At the time, I was dating someone at the time who was long distance, and who didn’t see me as a priority.

On Monday, I had gotten a phone call with updates from Mommy. My grandmother, my mom’s mom was very ill. She had had many previous health issues that had scared us in the past. But I knew this one was different. She had been back and forth to the hospital and was in ICU. My mom and her family were all working hard to see that Granny had everything she needed. They weren’t sure how long she would be with us. I called my long distance boyfriend to tell him that he may want to make the trip because we were going to need support for the crisis. I asked him if he could take off classes and be there to help us. He had absences left in the semester and could make it work to be there with us. He told me he’d think about it. I told him it was going to be a terrible week.

That week was the TMC Community Choir concert. We had practiced all semester long and were performing “Requiem” by John Rutter. The timing was something only God could have orchestrated. We sang about heaven, and how those who know Christ will be with Him forever. Our dress rehearsal was the same day as the phone call from my mom. I wept through the entire rehearsal, singing out my grief. It was so real. My choir friends rallied around me and gave me hugs and let me cry. I explained the situation, and they prayed over me. Precious, sweet friends.

The next day was the concert, and I knew my parents probably wouldn’t make it. They were with Granny in ICU, and I knew as soon as the concert was over, I’d have to pack a bag and be ready to join them. An hour before the concert, I got a call again from Daddy. More family had stepped in to help, and the ICU hospital was only a short drive from the church where we were performing. Mommy and Daddy were going to hear me sing, then get in the car and drive right back to the hospital. I couldn’t believe it. We took our places in the choir loft, behind the most beautiful orchestra, and my parents took their seats in the balcony.

The words of each movement came alive, as we felt God’s presence. I could see my mom weeping as the music and meaning washed over her. A moment of breath before the plunge into darkness. God had known the entire semester that we would need these songs to get us ready for what was to come. He was with us. It could NOT have been any more clear that the He was with us, comforting and going ahead of us.

I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me, “Blessed”
Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord.
For they rest, for they rest, for they rest from their labors.
They rest from their labors.
Even so saith the Spirit, for they rest…
Lux aeturna luceat eis, Domine Let light eternal shine upon them, O Lord
Cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, quia pius es With thy saints forever, for art merciful.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine. Grant them eternal rest, O Lord
Et lux perpetua luceat eis. And may light perpetual shine on them.

My parents waved goodbye before the closing announcements, and they ducked out to travel back to the hospital. It killed me not to join them yet, but they told me to wait until they told me to come. I went to class the next day, bags packed and ready to go. Again, I called my boyfriend at the time, like I had on Monday and asked him if he was coming. He wasn’t sure yet. I told him we didn’t have long. Please come home. I’m going to need help with this crisis. This is more than I can carry alone. No answer yet. I went to class, nervous, and just tried to rest, do homework, eat, and be ready to go when they called me. I went to bed that night determined to sleep well, the calm before the storm.

Thursday, November 7th, just before lunchtime, I got the call. They were calling in the family to come see her and say our goodbyes. I communicated with my professors, threw my bag in the car, and left campus.

The leaves were bright shades of orange, yellow, and red. The mountainside was a magnificent display of my favorite season of the year. I had the thought that if my grandmother had only a few days left on earth, what a beautiful last day this might be. I wished I could have taken her out on that road with me, to see the beauty I was seeing. But she couldn’t.

I followed my GPS about an hour and a half to the hospital in Roswell. People in north Atlanta drive very aggressively. I kept a keen eye on the other drivers, trying not to get run over. Just 2 miles from the hospital. I need to turn right, yield lane, let me check my blindspot over my left shoulder. I’m almost – CRASH!

I had been in a yield lane. I had looked over my left shoulder, twisted around, and the woman behind me thought I had gone. She proceeded to floor it aggressively, crashing into my bumper, full force. I now know she was 2 inches from hitting my gas tank, and I was about a foot from hitting oncoming traffic. It’s as if the Lord had put his hands around my car and protected me.

We pulled into the Chick-fil-a parking lot, and I called my Daddy. “Are you with Mommy? Okay, don’t tell Mommy.” He stepped out and asked what happened. It told him where I was and he told my mom he had to step out for something. He drove to me and helped me exchange insurance. We called the police to file a report and gave our information. Daddy helped follow me to the hospital and we parked. We came upstairs, and I saw Mommy who was exhausted. She smiled and ran to hug me but I stopped her and said, “I’m okay, I was just in a wreck. I’m shaken up but didn’t want to worry you until you could see I’m okay. That’s why Daddy had to step out. He helped me get here.” She understood, and we all went to Granny next.

They brought me in and I sat next to Granny. I took her hand, and they told me that she could hear me. I decided to describe the fall mountainside I had seen that day. I told her about the yellows, oranges, and reds. I told her about the leaves and trees and how amazing it was. I told her I loved her and squeezed her hand.

My aunt and uncle were there and encouraged me, along with my parents to go downstairs to get seen by a doctor for my wreck. I hated to leave them, but knew I had to get checked out. I wasn’t used to going to the doctor by myself, so it was scary.

“You have scoliosis.” They said.

What? What is that?! I don’t have time for this! My grandma is upstairs in ICU dying!

But it was true. My spine, which should normally be straight and slightly curved at the bottom, was an ‘S’ shape. My neck, which should normally curve inward, was curving slightly outward. I was all screwed up and had no idea how bad the pain was going to be. I was still in shock. They gave me medicine and highly recommended a chiropractor. I got what I needed and went upstairs.

The ICU waiting room was awful. My back was starting to really hurt, and my heart hurt for my family and my Granny. I knew she knew Jesus, so that was a comfort to know she would go to Heaven when she died, but still, it was a nightmare. I called my boyfriend to try to tell him what had happen. His phone was off. I tried again several times throughout the day. He didn’t answer. I cried because I was in pain, and because I felt abandoned by someone who I thought loved me.

The family gathered together around my grandmother and told stories. We called other family who couldn’t make it, and I think Granny was happy for all of us to be together one last time with her. I started really hurting, and my parents encouraged me to go back to campus and rest. So I did.

The next morning, I got a call from Daddy. Granny had passed away. I was sad and emotional. My body hurt from my wreck, but I knew that this week was far from over. The viewing and funeral were to come. I tried to call my boyfriend. No answer. I showered and prepared a new bag for the weekend. We went to the funeral and drove out to the graveside. Granny was laid to rest in the most beautiful field. The grass was kissed by sunshine, and there was a big tree with sunbeams peaking through it. I thought of Psalm 23 “You make me lie down in green pastures..” The beauty of God’s creation once again spoke to my heart of God’s enduring compassion and presence. I knew Granny was in His presence in Heaven, healed and no longer suffering.

It was the end of the longest week ever, but it was the beginning of my journey through back pain.

The next week, I received a call. It was my boyfriend. Where were you? He had planned to be at a conference without telling me, and he had turned his phone off even though he knew I was in a crisis. I told him everything that had happened. He wasn’t there for me. Still, I made excuses for him and refused to see the truth for a long while.

At first, the medicine I was on masked the pain, and I thought that my injury wasn’t that bad. I even continued to take hapkido classes, not realizing the damage I was doing to my back. I didn’t realize the medicine was making me feel better than I was, and I needed medical attention and therapy.

Because of the emotions tied up in my back pain, made the WORST mistake with recovery. I avoided going to the chiropractor or physical therapy. I avoided seeing a doctor. I thought if the medicine took care of the pain, then it must not be as big a deal as I thought. I was wrong. For a full month, I avoided the problem. Christmas came, which is always busy. I was too busy for recovery.

The TRUTH was that if I faced my recovery, I would have to face the emotional pain too. And I didn’t want to do that.

It wasn’t until January that my family talked me into seeing a chiropractor. The next few months I would have to endure severe neck and back pain at the chiropractor, including light therapy and massage beds. I had 4 months of excruciating pain before my senior recital. Being a vocal major is all about standing tall and having perfect alignment to sing. I could barely stand. My final semester of college, I was back and forth to the chiropractor. When I wasn’t in class, I was on and off ice and heating pads.

Every time my back hurt, I relived the emotional pain. I felt abandoned by my boyfriend. I felt sad for my Granny passing away. I hurt for my mom and her family’s loss and emotions. I felt like I had lost my ability to thrive as a vocalist by not being able to stand straight. Everything hurt, and I cried A LOT during this season.

It took a few months for me to realize how badly this hurt me, and that my boyfriend at the time wasn’t what God had in store for me, but when I did, I finally broke up with him the following year. It was a difficult decision.

I recovered physically, but I never shook off the PTSD of the emotional pain I went through during that time.

After I started dating Derek, I threw my back out again at Barnes & Noble in 2016. I was in so much pain AGAIN. I had to stop volunteering at my church at the time. I relived my wreck and the emotions that came with it. But this time, I wasn’t alone. Derek took care of me. He helped me ice my back. He listened and comforted me when I was in pain. That time in our dating showed me his true heart, and that I would never have to worry about him leaving me during a crisis. What an amazing man! It took a long time to recover, once again. But Derek encouraged me to face my fears and get help from the chiropractor. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life so far. I recovered physically, and I felt like I had finally dealt with some of the emotional pain that came with healing. Slowly but surely, my body recovered.

That crash on November 7th, 2013 dramatically impacted my body, heart, mind, and spirit. It was a perfect storm from which I have never been able to fully recover. I don’t know why. I feel marked by it. My body has never been the same.

One thing I did learn from all of this is that when you go through trauma or pain, do not ignore it. It will not just disappear if you look the other way. It’s okay to get help. Medical help. Counseling. Whatever it is, don’t be ashamed if you need someone to be a part of your recovery. God may be waiting to provide what you need if you would be willing to face that fear. I also think that going through these experiences prepared me for walking through cancer.

Occupational Therapy

I began OT 3 weeks ago. It all started when I was going to radiation and my armpit area started hurting. That’s pretty normal when you’re going through radiation. The skin tightens and the muscles weaken.

We started off easy, with simple arm exercises. She wanted to correct my posture, as I had been leaning forward due to pain in my chest. We worked through the pain in my armpit with multiple types of exercises.

It wasn’t long before I started experiencing back pain. Oh no, here we go again.

As we pushed my body, my therapist began to realize that something was off with my back. It uncovered all the issues from that wreck. She brought in a back specialist, who was quick to say “Yep, she’s crooked.” I couldn’t believe it. She watched me walk, and told me I was off. She watched me sit and had major corrected for me. She had me lie down and wanted to fix how I slept. I had NO idea that I was overcorrecting my muscles because of the old injury, and EVERYTHING I do was impacted. It was discouraging. I have to RE-learn how to walk, sit, lay down, stand?!

I was angry at first. That’s NOT what I came in here for. I came here for my arm, not my old back injury. I don’t WANT to feel all of the pain again, physical and emotional. Nonetheless, I was assigned back exercises that brought it all back. Here I am again, trying to straighten out what was bent a long time ago.

I went to see some friends of mine, who have been praying for me while I’m going through therapy. These friends had been with me back in 2016 when I had my second season of back pain. And I hadn’t told them anything that I had been through yet. I mentioned therapy and that my back was becoming an issue. My friend smiled and told me he had been praying SPECIFICALLY that physical therapy would draw out any continuing issues with my back, and for my complete healing.

I couldn’t believe it. God was answering his prayer! As much as I had not wanted to face it, AGAIN. God was using this therapy to take care of me. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need.

I am currently going to rehab twice a week for occupational therapy. It’s HARD, physically and emotionally to face the pain again. But I’m getting stronger. I’ve got from stretches, to strength building exercises. We use pulleys, balls, a bike for my hands, and athlete tape. We have done soft yoga. I meditate on the Lord when I do it 🙂 We have done stretching and massage techniques. She does a lymphatic massage to stimulate my lymphatic system once a week. I’m learning a lot!

Opportunities to Share the Gospel

I love my occupational therapists. I told them that there is a long list of people who have helped me on my cancer journey, and they are right there with the best of them. I feel like God has provided all of the best helpers in all fields.

Every week, twice a week, one of them shares with me about her son. She and I have talked about current events, coronavirus, and our experiences. We talked about places we have traveled to and places we want to travel to. We talk a LOT while I’m exercising or getting a massage. We talked about leadership, and how I get to mentor students in my jobs with the co-op and church youth choir. We have talked about shows and theater. There’s always a good conversation between us.

While we were talking about her son, we started discussing reading. My mom taught me to read and I LOVE reading. I was homeschooled and had the opportunity to read all kinds of books in middle and high school. She mentioned that he asked her to read the Bible before bed one night. He was asking about how to deal with anger, so they sat down and tried to read the Bible. She only had a KJV, so they couldn’t understand it. So she looked up a YouTube video on how to handle anger (You go Mama!)

I told her you can get children’s Bibles, that have lots of pictures and are easy to read. I also mentioned that there are easy translations on the YouVersion app for the Bible, such as NIV or ESV. She thanked me and said that she wanted to get her son a children’s Bible, but that she also wanted to get him a book on Hindu and a book on Buddhism. She told me she believes that there is one God for every religion, and that everyone is going to Heaven. She admitted that she wasn’t sure if this was right to teach him, but one day she would find out.

I listened to her for a long time. I wanted to make sure she knew that I respected her point of view and that as a person, she is valuable to me. I didn’t want to just hit her with Scripture and try to shove the gospel down her throat. I genuinely care about her and want her to know the truth.

I prayed in my heart before I spoke, because I wanted to be sure to be loving in how I came across, but also sharing the truth. I said that she had an interesting perspective on the subject, and that I respectfully disagree. I told her that I believed that the Bible is true, and that Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven.

She said that she respected me also, and that she wouldn’t want to get in the way of me believing my truth. I recognized her post-modern point of view. I however, believe in absolute truth. I believe that it is objective, not subjective. I decided to press a little more, making sure to be clear.

I told her that I cared about her, and that because of what I believe, it would be unloving for me to say nothing. I told her that I believe that unless SHE believes in Jesus, that she would be missing out on her only way to Heaven also. I told her that I only wanted to share THE truth because I love her and want her to believe in Jesus too.

She was silent for awhile, so I told her something else that I believe is SO important for my generation.

I said, “You know, I am so thankful that we can talk kindly to one another and respectfully disagree. I still want to share what I believe is the truth, but we are still friends right?” She smiled at me. I went on. “My Daddy taught me a long time ago that just because you disagree, doesn’t mean you have to be disagreeable. I want to continue to talk and be kind to one another, even when we come from different perspectives.” She agreed with me. We talked about how people in our world are not good at doing that. People who disagree are mean to each other or don’t sit down and listen to some one. Kindness is important.

She didn’t accept the truth that day, but I believe God will use this interaction to plant a seed. I hope and pray it grows in time and that one day she and her son will believe and accept Jesus Christ. Until then, I have to be a good steward of my therapy to continue to present excellence to her. I want to represent my recovery AND my Jesus well with all my heart. I’m also praying about getting her a children’s Bible and/or Women’s Study Bible. Praying for wisdom on what to do and how to say it in a way that reaches her!

Oncology Appointment

I had my follow up appointment with my oncologist. I had been dreading this one because it meant the start of one more kind of hormonal therapy. I have JUST been getting back into the swing of things, and now there’s another new medicine. I knew that it was coming, because it was included in my treatment plan. This medicine is prescribed for 5-10 years. It is a type of hormone inhibitor. Because my cancer is ER positive (estrogen), the hormone inhibitor helps to calm my body down so that my hormones won’t trigger a recurrence.

I was nervous because during IVF and surgery season, I was on a similar medicine. The previous medicine made me have some side effects that were very discouraging. All part of chemically-induced menopause. I assumed that when I began my 5-10 year medicine, it would be this same medicine. BUT at my appointment, they gave me a different kind that I will be on for a long time. I’m hoping that even though the side effects will be similar because it functions the same in that it’s a hormone inhibitor, the most discouraging aspects of this new medicine will work better with my body.

In addition to my 5-10 year medicine, I also get a shot that puts my ovaries to sleep. This helps us keep them calm and hopefully will keep them healthy enough to bear children in the next few years. We discussed our hopes and dreams of being parents with my oncologist. She was VERY positive about working with us on balancing my treatment, while still providing windows of opportunity for us to start a family one day. It will be a process, but we are excited to try. I will need at least 1-2 years on the medicine to watch and be sure no recurrence happens, then we will follow up and go from there. It’s exactly what we were expecting. I’m still nervous about what will happen in regards to fertility, but I know God’s perfect plan will come to pass.

I was excited during my appointment because my exam went EXTREMELY well. My oncologist was SHOCKED at how well everything looked: my skin, my spacers, my lymph nodes, no lymphedema, scars are healing. I thought to myself Yeah, that’s why I went to the BEST doctors in Atlanta for plastic surgery and radiation. I didn’t settle for local for convenience. Thank God! The results of my surgeries and treatment speak for themselves. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of those who walked us through getting second opinions, doing our research, driving up to Atlanta, and helped in the process of decision-making.

My next planning appointment with the plastic surgeon is September 11. I will meet with the doctor and begin discussing and planning my reconstruction plan. It’s going to be hard, but I’m excited to be closer to finished!

Jovie

In addition to occupational therapy, I have been working on increasing my overall exercise and eating lots of veggies and fruits! One of my goals has been to get up and walk outside more, to increase my daily steps.

Derek and I have been talking for awhile about getting a dog. Ever since we bought our house, we knew we would probably eventually have a dog. Our back yard is PERFECT for a dog. Our neighborhood is AMAZING for walking. While I’m more of a cat person by nature, I still love to love on doggies and grew up with them. Derek is ALWAYS loving on other people’s dogs, and is DEFINITELY a dog person. So we talked it over, and I told him that a dog would be a fantastic way to help me in my recovery process. A new furry friend to help me be active, and to nurture and take care of while Derek is at work.

We kept our eye on adoption centers and visited a few that just didn’t connect. One day, I was at our local animal shelter, and I found the sweetest black lab puppy! Her eyes are what got me! I took her home, and we got her everything she needs and lots of chew toys! We named her Jovie! Jovie is the name of Buddy the Elf’s girl on the Christmas movie ELF. Derek loves ELF, and it suited our new baby perfectly.

The first few days were an adjustment, but after getting used to our new schedule, we are doing great! I am walking the neighborhood a lot more, and play with Jovie in the backyard with a bouncy ball and a frisbee. My occupational therapist even gave me games to play with the dog to work out my surgery arm.

Jovie is loving her new home, and we love her! I also have met my goal ALREADY of being more active. I checked my steps from before Jovie, and after, and I have almost tripled my daily number of steps! I feel more energetic, even though I still have days of fatigue. But each day is more and more encouraging! Lord, thank you for our new doggie!

Prayer Requests

• Pray for the seed of the gospel that was planted in the therapist’s life to grow. That she would come to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and believe that He is the only way to Heaven. Pray also for her son and family to do the same, and for wisdom for Hannah on how to love her and represent Christ well!
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery from radiation. Pray for reduced fatigue and soreness. Pray for the continuing physical therapy for Hannah’s arm and back. Pray for encouragement as Hannah does her daily exercises to regain mobility.
• Pray for Hannah’s old back injury, that while treating her surgery arm, she would also find complete healing in her back and neck. Pray for alignment and posture to be corrected, and for pain to subside. Pray for complete emotional healing from the memories & feelings that back pain carries.
• Pray for encouragement as Hannah goes through hormonal therapy. Pray for the medicine to begin working to minimize side effects. Pray for continued wisdom and healing through the chemically-induced menopause season.
• Pray for Hannah’s emotional and mental healing in addition to physical, and for continuing conversations with her cancer counselor to be helpful and healing.
• Pray for blessings on our new dog Jovie, that we would continue to adjust and thrive. Pray for this to be a great emotional support dog, and a great help for Hannah to be more active.
• Pray for future fertility, that by God’s grace we would trust him with our future children, if that’s His will for us. Pray for God to guide the fertility process and for there to be a safe window in the next few years to try.
• Pray for the reconstruction process to come, for God to guide our plastic surgeons and schedule for the best timing, provision, and healing for Hannah.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray for Hannah’s story to encourage others who are walking through cancer, and God to use this valley to help others in similar places in life.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Getting up to take out the dog, and get my heart pumping!

Hannah Rock

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

When I was a little girl, my mom used to teach me about patience. One of her favorite ways of teaching was to use word pictures and metaphors to describe our lessons. There’s so many word pictures you could use, but the one I remember the most was the picture of the seed. She used to say, “When you put a seed in the soil, you don’t go back a few minutes or even a day later to dig it up and see if it has grown, do you? Of course not! Sometimes, we plant and have to have faith that in time, growth will come.” Patience. Hope. Faith. Something’s gonna grow.

My parents have a garden in their backyard. Each year, they work hard to grow their own vegetables. My dad has almost doubled the size of the crop this year. It’s been cool to watch the garden change over time. From a few tomato plants, to a variety of yummy veggies, the garden’s produce has begun to thrive. Gardens take A LOT of hard work, sometimes for a small amount of vegetables. But over time, they’ve learned how to keep at it and see their crop grow as well. What patience it takes to wait for growth! That’s a life lesson.

Now I have to admit, even with so many circumstances that have forced me to be patient, I STILL struggle with impatience. I want to get to the destination and miss out sometimes on the journey. I want to reach goals, and skip the steps to get there. I want to see results, but the truth is that instant gratification is not how life works. Sometimes you have to wait. Sometimes there’s a process before progress.

I remember when I was in 6th grade, we had a field day at my private school. I am NOT an athlete. Like….at all. Not even close. But I used to do some sports in middle school. For field day, we had different tournaments in which we could participate. The sprint and the 10 lap marathon. There were other activities, but I specifically remember the marathon. The signal went off and we started running. In this moment, I decided to try to get at the head of the race. I ran my legs off and was far ahead of the group. Wow! I’m doing it! When I completed lap 1, my face was red and my breathing was on fire, but I was ahead! We turned the corner and all the sudden I ran (literally) out of steam. I slowed down as one by one people passed me. I couldn’t keep up this pace anymore. I slowed down to a jog for about 5 laps, and eventually finished in one of the last places, walking it out with the other non-athletes in our class.

That field day, I was humiliated. But it taught me a big lesson. Just because you start off great, doesn’t mean you finish well. Sometimes you have to be patient and pace yourself. Sometimes you have to take each part of the task as it comes to endure. Don’t underestimate the process. Patience is the grace to wait on the process. Endurance is withstanding circumstances in spite of challenges. Both are crucial.

Cancer is a marathon, not a sprint. Each leg of the journey has had its own unique obstacles and challenges. I’ll admit, just like on field day, I did great with my attitude and energy towards the beginning of this race, but after all that has happened, I’m getting tired. I’m not going to give up, but I will say endurance is a constant struggle. I want to be done with cancer. I want to be done with treatment. I am frustrated with all that cancer has taken away from me. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, and I have been overwhelmed that this is happening in my life. Even though I am seeing progress in small steps, I’ve been impatient and struggled with a roller coaster of feelings in the waiting. I wrestle to have the endurance to keep going mentally and emotionally, and on those weak days, I have no choice but to lean on the Lord.

As if that wasn’t enough, add a pandemic, and all the other struggles that are happening in our world. We are ALL exhausted by circumstances right now. Everyone seems weary in some regard. My heart goes out to those who are hurting during this season, for many reasons. My heart grieves to see the sin in our nation, and our desperate need for revival and turning back to Jesus. I haven’t said much regarding the issues because quite frankly, I am overwhelmed by cancer and the pandemic. I never want to say something that would discourage another person, even by accident. Just know, regardless of where you find yourself in this right now, I am praying for you. We are called to love one another, and I pray God gives me to the grace to love everyone in that way, with unconditional agape love. We are called to build one another up, and I pray God gives me the encouragement to speak over people’s lives around me. Oh, how I hope and pray that the trials we have faced and are facing will lead us to Jesus! He is the answer. He is our Blessed Hope. He is the Prince of Peace.

Chemotherapy Updates

I am thankful to say I am DONE with chemotherapy! 4 out of 4 rounds done! I am grateful for the oncology team of nurses and even the receptionists who worked hard to make the treatment center a safe place for us during treatment. It was bittersweet saying goodbye to the nurses and receptionists I had gotten used to seeing on a regular basis. We got the schedule for my follow up appointment, and I don’t have to go back to that office for about 3 months. We came home to find the sweetest gifts from Derek’s family and a beautiful church friend! A care package and a sign with balloons and flowers everywhere! It really felt like a celebration, even though we couldn’t gather together.

The rest of Georgia was opening up at the beginning of May, but our date for continuing to shelter in place was June 12. Again with the impatience. I was upset because it seemed like everyone else got to be “let out of time out” but me. After composing myself, I chose to remind myself that this was for my own safety and find things to do to wait it out. It was actually a good thing because I was exhausted from side effects of chemotherapy, moreso than any other rounds. I did, however, finish a total of 8 puzzles in my 91 day quarantine. The isolation took a toll on my heart. I am an extrovert, and being separated from friends and family was one of the hardest parts of this season.

While dealing with fatigue and other symptoms, I also came upon a new side effect: chemo brain. Chemo brain is a common symptom where patients struggle with achieving normal cognitive functions. We struggle with forgetfulness, trouble focusing, brain fog, and other mental blocks that can happen. It almost feels like a learning disability in a way. I told Derek it’s like I traded a fast car for a slow car, and my new slow car only goes 45 miles an hour. What used to take me 5 minutes to think through, may take me 15 minutes. I sometimes forget a word that is simple and get discouraged that I can’t “find” the word I’m looking for in my mind. I forget people’s names, or important information. I’m glad I keep lists and have Derek to remind me and help me think through things slowly. Chemo brain is a real struggle. The good news is that after a few months, this will fade and my mental strength will speed up again.

One other element of my treatment is hormone therapy. I don’t know if I’ve talked much about this before or not. I can’t remember. Basically, my cancer responds to estrogen in my system. So to help, my oncologist has started me on a medicine that inhibits estrogen levels. The side effects of this are the same as a false menopause. I now struggle with frequent hot flashes, fatigue, and others. This is a small price to pay to make sure we are taking care of things. But to be honest it is very discouraging.

My hair is slowly coming back. It started with soft baby hair, and now, about 8 weeks after my last chemo it’s coming in darker. I’m hoping and praying it will continue to cover more of my scalp as the summer goes on. Today was a first step in that I went to radiation treatment without anything on my head. Georgia is HOT during the summertime. Head coverings and hats make it even hotter. One benefit of the quarantine was that I didn’t have to worry much about seeing anyone with my hair gone. Now that everything is opening up, I’m a little nervous about it, but each day is a new step in being okay with going outside without a wig. I’m getting more comfortable with being in the world just as I am 🙂

We were SO BLESSED to talk with my doctor about safely going on a vacation at the end of May. She recommended that we could go to the beach, as long as we social distanced, and monitored my symptoms while we were there. We were able to travel to Derek’s family condo at the beach for a week. What a treat to get to celebrate finishing chemotherapy! Derek and I also got to celebrate our 3rd anniversary of marriage! So grateful to Derek’s mom and dad for the opportunity to get away and have a change of scenery to get us through the last leg of our quarantine. We love you!

Radiation Updates

I’ve really come to terms with the fact that radiation is part of my journey. I realize towards the start that there was a lot of back and forth discussion as to if I would need it or not. But the reality is that under the new data from this year, I do qualify and will benefit from radiation. I was blessed to consult with two radiologists, who both recommended that I need radiation and explained why. This brought so much clarity and peace. I would hate to NOT go through radiation and find out that there is a recurrence. Nope. I’d rather deal with it head on the first time and move on.

I ended up with the BEST radiologist ever. We compared two doctors. One was closer, but she told us I would have more side effects such as burns and was less experienced with patients who are choosing to do the DIEP flap following treatment. The other was a doctor in Atlanta who has a brilliant track record with patients, no burns by using a preemptive lotion treatment, minimal side effects, and excellent information/bedside manner. The Atlanta doctor has had over 20 years experience, AND is familiar with my plastic surgeon’s office! He has had many cases of patients who went on to get DIEP flap surgeries after radiation. It was a no brainer! We chose the Atlanta doctor, the farther drive, but the higher quality treatment. It has been the BEST decision.

BOTH specialists told me that I would NO LONGER BE IN THE HIGH RISK CATEGORY in regards to Covid-19! What a RELIEF! I am still taking precautions, wearing my mask, social distancing, and being careful to wash my hands and be aware of my surroundings. But to know that I am not trapped in my home is encouraging. I can leave if I want to! It’s funny, the first thing Derek and I did to celebrate was stay home and watch a movie!

My radiation treatment is every day, Monday-Friday for 7 weeks. We began on June 16th. I just started Week 4. Which mean I will finish before my school year begins with teaching!

Each treatment is scheduled at the same time every day (my timeslot is 10am, so we don’t have to deal with rush hour in Atlanta traffic. Praise the Lord!) I wear my mask to every appointment and go through a temperature check to be cleared to enter. They are doing a GREAT job of keeping the facilities safe and clean. I go up to Atlanta, receive treatment for 15-30 minutes, and come back down. It was a little scary in the first couple of days, but I’ve gotten used to the machine. The hardest part of treatment is laying still while the radiation machine buzzes around me. I’m grateful to live in a time in history where this kind of treatment is possible.

When I get home, I’m usually tired. I put on my lotion which prevents burns and rest. Everything is going well so far. I have had some pain in my armpit area when I raise my right arm. My doctor is helping me look into physical therapy to help strengthen the use of my arm. They say that the more I am treated with radiation, the more fatigued I will be. Thankfully, I only have to endure through the beginning of August, then I get to ring the bell!

New Normal

I’ve always been good at holding it together in a crisis. But no one can endure a tough season forever without feeling the emotions that come with it. I usually keep it together during a crisis, and then fall apart once I know everyone is okay. This time, I held my breath through IVF, surgery, chemo, and the quarantine. Now I’m finally emotionally exhaling while I’m going through radiation. My emotions are catching up with me, and sometimes it’s not pretty. Everyone is like “Wow Hannah! You’re coming to the end of treatment! Isn’t that wonderful?” And it is! But something that I’ve researched and come to find about many cancer patients is that cancer survivors can struggle to celebrate even after the threat is gone. It’s not to say we aren’t joyful or thankful to reach a certain benchmark in treatment or recovery, just that there is more time to process what has happened. There are cancer survivors who struggle with difficult emotions, even years after treatment. When you go through cancer, it’s normal to walk through stress, grief, anger, sadness, depression, guilt, emotional numbness, anxiety, and many other emotions that can arise over time or suddenly. A change in treatment, end of treatment, or anniversary date can bring back these feelings. In my case, it was the end of chemo and beginning of radiation.

One of the reasons I haven’t posted in awhile is because I’ve been wrestling with these kind of feelings. Sometimes, the emotions are so loud I can’t feel or hear God. But that doesn’t mean He has left me, it just means I have to hold on and trust Him anyway. He is still God.

2020 has been full of hardship. It seems like every time we turn around there is a new trial. It is tempting to fall into depression, discouragement, and even despair in times like these. So much has changed in our world, a global pandemic, health guidelines, social distancing, unrest and so many other questions. So much has changed in my body in fighting cancer. So much has changed in my thought life, worries and uncertainty, processing all that has happened.

There are times where anxiety comes to my mind. Sad thoughts. Will we ever be normal again? I have to deal with cancer AND a pandemic at the same time? What is going to look like when I return to my jobs in the fall? What is the purpose of all of this? If I just stay still, I’ll wake up. Surely this is a dream. Everyone is fighting, our city is burning, people are sick and fearful. Will it be okay?

It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to not be okay. Endurance doesn’t mean that we don’t go through the fire. Endurance means we go through it and come out on the other side, changed. My prayer is that even in the uncertainty, God will help me endure all of these things. He said we would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world. I don’t have an answer for the bad. All I know is that God is good. When I get discouraged, I remind myself of this:

Our world may not be good.
My body may not be good.
My thoughts may not be good.
But God is always good.
God is STILL good.

Prayer Requests

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we endure through this together.
• Pray for our city, for our nation, and for our world. For healing in every way. For repentance and revival to wash over our country. For restoration and righteousness. For the gospel of peace to rule and reign in each heart and life.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery from chemotherapy. Thank God for the strength to make it through! Pray for healing from chemo brain, fatigue, and for Hannah’s hair to keep growing daily!
• Pray for endurance as Hannah goes through radiation. Pray for no burns, protection for the skin. Pray for healing from fatigue and soreness. Pray for the upcoming physical therapy for Hannah’s arm.
• Pray for provision and endurance as Hannah goes through hormonal therapy. Pray for the medicine to begin working to stop the hot flashes. Pray for continued wisdom and healing through the fake menopause season.
• Pray for Hannah’s thought-life, stress management, and emotions during this season. Pray that the Lord would help her process all of the crises that have happened in 2020. Pray for truth to silence fear. Pray for trust instead of anxiety. Pray for joy instead of depression. Pray for hope for the days to come.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for Hannah’s work at the homeschool co-op and at church with the youth choir. Pray for wisdom and clarity as she leads students and teams to start rehearsals in the Fall, health conditions permitting. Pray for wisdom in setting up social distancing precautions to keep everyone safe/healthy. Pray for Derek’s work at school as the band director, for marching band and classes in the Fall. Pray for wisdom in setting up social distancing precautions to keep everyone safe/healthy.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Enduring,
Hannah Rock

Then the Lord said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day… 
Exodus 16:4a

Provider

When I was a little girl, our family moved out to Texas for my dad to go to seminary. He started out in the business world in Atlanta, Georgia, yet he felt God calling him to something bigger: being a pastor/church planter. God spoke through many circumstances and confirmed that we would move to a place that we had never been before. We began a journey in ministry that would shape my perspective in learning about God, the Church, and the Great Commission. Our goal was to reach as many people for the gospel of Jesus Christ as we could. We answered that call and stepped out in faith, trusting that God would provide for us. If only we had known how many miracles would be in store!

Whenever we were struggling, God showed up. He ALWAYS provided what we needed. We worked hard, but when times got tough, God was so faithful! I remember a time when we got a call that a generous family friend had some meat for our freezer that they wanted to share. My dad went to pick it up and found out that it was A QUARTER OF A CALF! (Which is a LOT of meat! Of course, it’s Texas right? Best barbecue there is!) We ate on that meat for so long, up until the day we moved out. When the helpers came to pack up our moving truck on the last day at seminary, my dad cooked the last of the steaks! God LITERALLY provided all we needed until the very day we left.

We spent 3 years in Texas, where my dad pastored a church. Once he finished seminary, we moved up to Pennsylvania to plant a new church. Again, God provided everything we needed. There were SO MANY people that ministered to us in practical and kind ways. Their gifts were the hands and feet of Jesus in our lives along the journey. After 3 years of ministry up north, we moved back down to Georgia. We ministered at churches in rural and metro-Atlanta areas. I learned so much, about God’s Word and how He desires every person to know Him and have a right relationship with Him!

Whenever I felt lonely as the new kid, which happened a lot with our moves, my mom and I would pray for friends. Each time we asked God to provide new friendships, He brought new people into our lives to love and have fun together! He heard our prayers! It was a process, but He heard our prayers.

We ended up back in Georgia, my favorite place. As a high school senior, I began looking at colleges and wondering how in the world we were going to pay for it. Ministry has incredible eternal riches, but people in ministry don’t always see that in a financial way. Most times, we had to find creative solutions, and ask God to help us. He always did.

I went though the Dave Ramsey Youth program in my senior year and set a goal for myself to pay for college with no student loans. It was a lofty goal for someone in my position, but my family was supportive. So we set our sights on ways to pursue this goal. My dad and I hunted down every scholarship we could find. Again, my mom and I prayed together countless times. My younger brother cheered me on, and he learned the process alongside me!

When I was in high school, the LORD provided my very first car! It was a green 1993 Grand Jeep Cherokee, which I lovingly named “Gus.” He was a clunker, but I’ll tell you what! He was my favorite because of his personality. Gus had many endearing attributes, most of which turned into opportunities for me to learn about car maintenance (HAHA!) I learned about different parts of the engine, and I was best friends with my car mechanics. Over time, I actually put LESS money into fixing that car than I would have paid to have a car payment. That meant MORE money in my savings account for college. That Jeep got me to my first jobs, and it was the car that brought me to my incredible college experience. So many memories. AND it was proof of God’s hand! He was working out the details in my life, to help me have what I needed. That car lasted for 5 years (which shocked us all). Towards the end there, Gus had some issues, so my prayer was “Lord, will you help Gus last me through college?”

Well, be careful what you pray for! I’ll never forget when I finished my last final in biology on the last day of testing, on the week I was supposed to move home. My parents had come up to help me pack the car, and RIGHT AFTER my final, my dad called me. “Hannah, Gus is dead.” I laughed out loud!!!! God had answered my prayer. Gus got me through college, down to the hour. Just like God provided manna for the Israelites in the desert, right up until the day they entered the Promise Land. SAME GOD!

Another incredible opportunity that God provided was my job as a waitress. Following high school, I chose to take a gap year to finish up lose ends, and save for college. During this season we had a lady at our church who was looking to fill a position at the Chick-fil-a Dwarf House. The Dwarf House is like regular Chick-fil-a but with a sit-down dining experience. Because of our wonderful friend, I accepted a position with the company. Eventually, I was driving Gus to my 40-hour-a-week job waiting tables and LOVING IT!

I worked for the company for 6 years, and it was one of the best seasons of my life. The people I met, the conversations I got to have, the kindness of our managers and supervisors, the Christian values of the company, and the astounding provision it gave me for college were all amazing! I would drive home in my clunker with fat pockets (those who wait tables, you know what I mean), sticky hands, and sore feet. But each “deposit” into I had a shoebox I kept at home called “The Bank” was another step closer to graduating debt-free.

I worked hard, but I also prayed to ask God to keep providing, and HE DID! In May 2014, I walked across that stage and got my college diploma, 100% DEBT FREE.

There are so many more stories I could tell about God’s provision. All I have needed His hands has provided in big and small ways. Praise God for His sustaining hand! The LORD will provide!

One Day At A Time

I’ve really come to love the saying, “Today is a good day for a good day.” It’s a declaration of peace and joy, a decision rather than a reaction. I am at the mercy of my health at times, and some days are better than others. But in my spirit, I can still choose joy. I AM suffering. I am not always happy, but I am content with what God has given me. Each day is a gift. I can cling to what is good, even if what is all around me and within me is not good, because God is good, and He is with me.

God says in Matthew 6:33-34, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.“

In this journey through cancer, I’ve come to find that I can’t get too far ahead of myself. I’m only able to handle one thing at a time. I can’t rush out ahead and try to plan the entire process. It’s TOO much. God is teaching me to hold back, and trust him, one day at a time. We can certainly make wise, educated decisions with the future in mind. But I can’t worry. Worry doesn’t do anything but weigh me down. I HAVE to trust God, daily. He has given me enough for today. I can’t let myself tailspin out of control with my thoughts and get my eyes off of Jesus.

It reminds me of the story of Peter walking on the water. As long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus, he was victorious! But the moment he took his eyes off of Jesus, he sank in the water. The same is true with us. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus. He has ALWAYS provided, and I believe He always will.

I suppose that is a lesson that I’m learning in general too. I don’t need to worry about tomorrow, even if I didn’t have cancer. God has given us what we need for TODAY. It’s a daily dependance on Him. We can’t rush ahead of the provision for TODAY. He holds every tomorrow, and He will provide when the time comes. These circumstances have revealed to me just how dependent I am on Him, and how much I need His daily grace.

With the pandemic, it’s EASY to worry about tomorrow. These are stressful times. And I’m not going to downplay that, you guys know I don’t shy away from sharing burdens or acknowledging how hard something is. But we MUST acknowledge that God is bigger than ANYTHING. He is bigger than cancer. He is bigger than a global pandemic. We can trust Him to provide, even in hard times, because HE is faithful. That’s who He is.

I know so many people have so many questions about the future right now. Let me tell you, last year, I had no idea I would be walking through cancer. But God knew. He went ahead of me. He brought me to the right doctors. He provided for medical bills through incredible circumstances. My cancer was not a surprise to Him, and our current situation is also not a surprise to Him. He has a plan. He will provide. I’m praying for a revival in our country. Oh, what He has taught us through this difficult time! Don’t miss what He has for you. We are all learning, if we’re listening.

If you are struggling at this time, my heart goes out to you! Don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for prayer if you need it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it. So many times, God provided through the love and actions of others. Prayer works. And God provides. This I know to be true.

Recovery Update:

3/4 Rounds of chemo are completed! That means I’m halfway done, and I only have 1 more round to go to finish out my chemotherapy.

This week has been hard. As chemo goes on, my body gets weaker in fighting off the side effects. Last Wednesday, I had my chemo round, and the days that followed were rough. The other day I suffered from a full day of spiking fevers, body aches, and chills. These fevers are a common side effect of chemotherapy. We monitored my symptoms closely, but there wasn’t anything else to worry about (no Covid here, we promise). My days and nights have been filled with fatigue and waking up confused about what time it is. The exhaustion is winning this round. Still, my nausea is under control. I’m grateful that this is the only symptom for now that is kicking my butt. I’ll get through it, day by day.

Derek has been WONDERFUL throughout this leg of the journey. I’m so grateful that he gets to work from home, because he has also been able to care for me when I’m feeling bad. He’s such an amazing husband. Totally don’t deserve him. He is one of the most servant-hearted, kind, best friends I could have ever asked for. Derek, baby, I love you!

We got confirmation back from the radiologist concerning my treatment. We shared my low oncotype score (remember it was 27). Regardless, the radiologist still recommends that I have 6 weeks of radiation. So once I finish chemo, we will have a short rest period, and then I will begin radiation.

I’m actually glad that this is the case. At the end of my last chemo round, I started to worry that chemo might not be enough to kill the cancer cells. Even though my doctors have assured me that the chemo is working, and I don’t need to worry, I would LOVE peace of mind that we have done everything necessary to kill it for good. And they agree wholeheartedly. Again, I’m having to surrender the fear and worry to the LORD. Everything is falling into place. I’m not done by any means, but I’m a good ways down the road. One day, cancer will be over. For now, we keep fighting and trusting Almighty God.

Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for continued chemo recovery, that Hannah would have stamina to make it through each treatment and the side effects it brings. Pray for more good days than bad. Pray for good white/red blood cell counts, and no sickness or infections. Pray for the Lord to ease Hannah’s fevers, body aches, and chills that come periodically as a result of chemotherapy.
• Pray for the quarantine in our household, and for protection from EVERY sickness, especially the Coronavirus. Pray for endurance to weather more than a month of staying at home. Pray for God to bring joy in the waiting.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray for our nation, and our world, for God to inspire a unique revival of hearts to Jesus Christ. Pray for spiritual and physical healing in our nation. Pray that we would return to God, and see the next Great Awakening!
• Pray that God would CONTINUE bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. Let us continue to find NEW ways of communicating, connecting, sharing, loving, praying, and showing Jesus to one another on a daily basis.

Today is a good day for a good day,

Hannah

The blood shall be a sign for you, on the houses where you are. And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and no plague will befall you to destroy you, when I strike the land of Egypt.

 “This day shall be for you a memorial day, and you shall keep it as a feast to the Lord; throughout your generations, as a statute forever, you shall keep it as a feast. Seven days you shall eat unleavened bread. On the first day you shall remove leaven out of your houses, for if anyone eats what is leavened, from the first day until the seventh day, that person shall be cut off from Israel. On the first day you shall hold a holy assembly, and on the seventh day a holy assembly. No work shall be done on those days. But what everyone needs to eat, that alone may be prepared by you.  And you shall observe the Feast of Unleavened Bread, for on this very day I brought your hosts out of the land of Egypt. Therefore you shall observe this day, throughout your generations, as a statute forever. In the first month, from the fourteenth day of the month at evening, you shall eat unleavened bread until the twenty-first day of the month at evening. For seven days no leaven is to be found in your houses. If anyone eats what is leavened, that person will be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he is a sojourner or a native of the land.  You shall eat nothing leavened; in all your dwelling places you shall eat unleavened bread.” Then Moses called all the elders of Israel and said to them, “Go and select lambs for yourselves according to your clans, and kill the Passover lamb. Take a bunch of hyssop and dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and touch the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood that is in the basin. 

None of you shall go out of the door of his house until the morning. 

For the Lord will pass through to strike the Egyptians, and when he sees the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, the Lord will pass over the door and will not allow the destroyer to enter your houses to strike you. You shall observe this rite as a statute for you and for your sons forever.  And when you come to the land that the Lord will give you, as he has promised, you shall keep this service. And when your children say to you, ‘What do you mean by this service?’  you shall say, ‘It is the sacrifice of the Lord’s Passover, for he passed over the houses of the people of Israel in Egypt, when he struck the Egyptians but spared our houses.’” And the people bowed their heads and worshiped. Then the people of Israel went and did so; as the Lord had commanded Moses and Aaron, so they did.

Exodus 12:13-28

Shelter in Place

We all feel it. Shelter in Place. We are inching closer to being in quarantine for 30 days.

Essential workers feel the anxiety of going to work, praying they don’t get sick. Non-essential workers may be devastated to find themselves out of a job. High risk people feel the weight of the call to do nothing. Sometimes the most helpless thing you can do is wait. Low risk people all know at least one person that they are protecting through social distancing and staying at home. Those on the front lines are feeling the extreme stress of their jobs in hospitals, grocery stores, and so many other places. Families miss their loved ones, far away and right down the street. Friends miss friends. Students miss their teachers. Teachers miss their students. We are all waiting, praying, and watching.

We all miss our families and friends. We have done a great job of hunkering down to weather the storm. But I’m sure its wearing on you all. It’s been wearing on us. I’ve had days that I literally sat down and wept because I was just so overwhelmed. It’s overwhelming to go through this together. Cabin fever. The Pirates that Don’t do Anything. I know people who are on their 4th or 5th puzzle. (We’re still working on the dang Thomas Kinkaid. LOL!) People are on top of each other and weary of being cooped up.

On the way back from an essential trip, Derek and I took the long way home, donning our face masks. It has been rough being stuck in the house, even though we have enjoyed the time together. We passed a sign that said “Shelter in Place until April 13th.” I looked at Derek and said, “That’s not right, it’s April 30th.” Derek sighed and said, “Hannah, they are probably too busy being inside sheltering in place, and there’s no one to see the sign right now.” We passed another major sign on a building that was flashing and in need of repair. That’s odd. I thought. But no one has been around to fix it or see it. Weird.

Each essential trip is an opportunity to let our minds breathe for a moment. I milk it for all its worth, since nonessential travel isn’t allowed right now. I look at the people in cars, wave at them, and pray for them. On one of our essential trips, we needed time to breathe, so we took an extra 5 minutes to pass a lake (not far from home). It was so still and beautiful. I’m finding that there has been so much beauty that I have missed in rushing from one thing to another. We need to take time to slow down and behold. I’ve been noticing the spring trees more. I’ve heard the concerts of birds more loudly than ever before. I’ve been thinking about every small and big thing that has changed, and yet I long for the day that we will return. I PRAY it changes us forever. I PRAY it brings us to our knees before a holy and loving God. I PRAY we don’t just go back to “business as usual” but that we see a Great Awakening with more blessings than we ever imagined. Hearts bent heavenward, minds consumed with the Scriptures, knees bent to the earth, souls filled, not with sin, but with Jesus Christ.

I’ve tried to be more intentional to try to make each doctor’s visit an opportunity to love on the staff and other patients and talk about Jesus, it’s gotten to the point where we all just smile for the gift of a moment, to be “together” even if it’s just a routine doctor’s visit. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe routine was never MEANT to be routine. Maybe we are MEANT to search for unique opportunities in EVERY new day? I’m becoming more and more THANKFUL for small gifts in each day. They were always there, waiting on us to slow down long enough to find them. Today has gifts waiting on us, too, if we are watching.

Your Grace Finds Me

In the midst of it all, we are finding ways to overcome our circumstances.

It’s been so fantastic to watch everyone come up with creative ways to connect with others, to help each other in the this fight. People are cutting up shirts to sew masks in their homes at all hours of the day and night. I saw one of my students who is making bookmarks and friendship bracelets to mail to friends. A lady at my church is making fresh bread and baked goods for families, and safely got some to us! People are mailing cards to each other with words of love and encouragement. (I got my free pack of cards from Hallmark’s free give away to write some more!) I am currently “color-pal-ing” with one of my student’s families. We color pictures from coloring books and write a letter on the back! Derek and I virtually attended a birthday celebration and sang “Happy Birthday” to Derek’s grandma for her 80th birthday, family from all over the United States joined on Zoom to celebrate and sing! We’ve attended Bible Studies and even a wedding on LIVE stream, how amazing is that?

A family from my church went to Home Depot (social distancing, of course) and got flower seeds, Forget-Me-Nots. The whole family wrote notes to their neighbors and dropped tiny flower pots of soil. “Don’t forget Jesus! We love you!” they wrote and delivered notes, seeds, and pots to those on their street. My Sunday school teacher told us about a lady in her neighborhood who opened all doors and windows to play Easter music and took requests from neighbors who sat in camping chairs 6 feet apart along the road!

Last year, Derek and I were so excited to be a part of the leadership team to start a ministry group for young adults seeking to draw near to Jesus and make friends with the same biblical values. We usually meet once a month at the association office for coffee, fellowship, worship, a speaker, and discussion groups. It has been a season of growth and connection. When I got cancer, I had to temporarily step aside, but we all continued to watch God do amazing things! Passionate young adults seeking God’s Word and calling on His Name together! Wow!

When the Coronavirus hit, the leadership team met to strategize on how we might continue our meetings in new ways. We decided to meet on Zoom, and the beauty of it was that I felt well enough to help with the music!!! Derek and I had the privilege of leading worship for a virtual gathering of young adults!

As a worship leader, having to sit on the side lines, because of cancer and Covid, for so long has not been easy. I long to get up and sing in front of others, to hear them praising our Jesus together! Oh, how beautiful the day will be when we all worship Jesus and sing together in the same room! I don’t know about y’all, but I’m going to be weeping, and dancing, and raising my hands toward Heaven!

We successfully invited everyone to come to our Zoom meeting. Derek and I set our camera up in our living room, which has been our place of worship every Sunday! Every week, I sing loudly and whoop and holler AMEN, and it rings through the halls of our home. That night, I would get to see God’s church, His people. I’ve had faith without seeing that I was worshipping at the same time as others with our church through live stream. I’ve gotten the chance to post Facebook LIVE sessions at home, doing covers of worship songs. I’ve seen the encouragement in the comments and the likes. I love singing!

But there is NOTHING like watching God’s people sing! We sang 4 songs as the Brady Bunch of faces filled up our screen, and filled up my heart. I sang the song “Your Grace Finds Me.” The lyrics took on a WHOLE different meaning. Wherever you are, God sees you. He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. And God dwells in the praises of His People. Hallelujah!

Here is the song we sang as I watched the mouths moving together, and the hands raised in bedrooms, living rooms, and kitchens:

Treatment Update:

On April Fool’s Day, Derek and I pulled into the parking lot for Round 2 of chemotherapy. We wore masks and I brought a backpack of activities with me. We had planned on Derek going back with me, what was supposed to be his first time in the chemo room. When we got upstairs, they told me that no visitors were allowed in the treatment room. (April Fools? Nope…okay….) My anxiety went high as I realized I had to go back alone, but Derek was very calm and reassured me that he would be back to pick me up at the end.

I decided to be brave and make the best out of it. Covid-19 has really impacted every area of our lives, but I was grateful to be continuing my treatment. Chemo is ESSENTIAL treatment. So for now, nothing can stop my treatment schedule. So many have to put their healthcare on hold, praise God I can continue to receive the medicine necessary to bomb these awful cancer cells. Kill them all! Remission is coming! That’s my goal. When I walked into the treatment room, it was far less scary this time because I knew what to expect. The nurses were PHENOMENAL and kind.

They stuck me with a needle and checked on my blood (ouch.) They inserted my IV, which Nurse L is GREAT. It didn’t hurt at all. They let me eat my snack before we began and then I had to ice my fingers and toes for the first hour. I listened to music and a sermon. The time passed slower because I didn’t have someone to talk to. Finally, I could take the ice off, BRRRR! They checked on my status and set me up for the second medicine of the day.

While I was getting reset, I met a new friend! Miss H sat down in the chair next to me. She gave me some tips for icing my fingers, so that they didn’t hurt as bad. I thanked her and we began to talk. We talked about our pets. I told her about my cat named Mo, and my parents’ three rambunctious yorkies. She laughed and told me about her old yorkie dog. We told each other about our families. I told her about my awesome husband, how he was supposed to join me, but wasn’t allowed back. She told me about her family, her sisters and her wonderful nephew that lived with her. She was also a grandmother, and fighting cancer on her own as a retired single lady. What courage to walk this road without many helping hands!

We talked about Covid-19 and the anxieties and obstacles it has given us, sharing our burdens that were so similar. We talked about breast cancer, and I found out that she was the same as me! We had a similar diagnosis, and had had similar experiences with treatment. We shared burdens with each other about what it’s like to walk this road, which is hard to understand unless you’ve been there. She shared fashion advice about head wraps and caps, and we laughed about my many wigs and other things. She told me she was a singer, and she missed singing at her church. I got to share how I missed singing at my church too! What a joy it was to have so much in common with this precious lady! And here I thought I was going to be alone for my 4 hours of treatment, nope, God had other plans. Thank you Lord for Miss H! We looked up and in no time, our treatment was over. I had worn a red rubber bracelet that said “God’s Got This” for the day. As Miss H went to leave, I passed it to her. We both smiled, and she said, “This is a great truth! Amen!”

The one nerve-wracking part of my treatment was having to do a slow-release injection for my immunity booster. I had just thought it would be a shot, but it was a pack that they stick on your belly, and it sticks you once then releases the medicine for 24 hours. I sat through the instructions, and they put it on me. One stick! OUCH! Then it was fine until I could take it off the next day.

My symptoms followed almost to the day the same pattern as I had tracked on my first round. It was super encouraging to know what to expect most days. I knew what medicines to take when I had symptoms. I have had little to no nausea. I’m working hard to try new vegetables, recipes, and keep eating good cancer-fighting foods. (Cooking is not my strong suit, but I’m trying and Derek has helped a lot.) I have had a handful of bad days, BUT mostly good days. What a blessing to be doing so well. I know many who are not doing well through chemo, and that’s okay. We are all fighting this fight together.

One hilarious side effect of the hormone therapy is that I get hot flashes. Poor Derek has been so confused. We were already riding the uncertainty of Georgia weather, somewhere between HOT-LANTA and cold snaps. Sometimes we need fans and air conditioning. Sometimes we need to turn on our fireplace. It was already that time of year. Now add my faux menopausal personal summers in there, and we’re both confused. Sweating or sporting goosebumps, we’ll figure it out eventually, HAHA!

Last week, I had my 10-day follow up. Again, they checked my blood. (This time wasn’t as bad with the needle, praise God!)

The physician’s office is being super careful in how they care for patients. Each employee wears a mask. Each patient answers a series of questions before you are allowed to be seen in the back. No visitors are allowed in the chemo room. They are doing an EXCELLENT job of protecting so many high risk patients. To my wonderful medical and administrative team, you are extraordinary, ordinary heroes and I WANT TO THANK YOU! You fight to stay well, and to set up a system to protect each one of us during this time. I am humbled and amazed at their diligence to keep us safe. It’s remarkable. I praise God for such a fantastic team!

My follow-up appointment was very short, because the immunity shot is WORKING! No fevers, no flu symptoms, again just minor normal symptoms. Praise the LORD!

I’m nearing the half-way point in my treatment. While some days it seems like it will last forever, watching the calendar change and get closer to days without cancer is encouraging. I hope we get there! My eyes are fixed on the finish line. My bucket list for remission is growing! Let’s beat this!

As they keep an eye on my blood, they did say my red blood cells are on the lower side. No need for a blood transfusion at this time. They just wanted to me to be aware that I am currently anemic. That is NORMAL for chemo patients. It means that the battle is raging against the cancer, which is what we want.

It amazes me that there is so much power and information in BLOOD. As I ponder the facts and figures, I can’t help but think about the importance of blood in Scripture. Since this has been Holy Week, Passover and the blood of Jesus have been on my mind. OH! What power and importance were displayed by THE BLOOD!

Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.
Hebrews 9:22

The First Passover

I’m so excited that this last week was Passover week, and my FAVORITE holiday, EASTER!!!

I read an article recently that stated that for the FIRST time in Jewish history since the very FIRST Passover, each family unit would be celebrating Passover in quarantine. If you go back and read the historical account in Exodus 12, it’s TRUE! How interesting that for the first time, we will see Passover celebrated in the same way it was celebrated in the Bible!

In Exodus, we see one of the most defining moments in biblical history. Exodus quite literally means “a mass departure of people” God’s people had been enslaved in Egypt, oppressed at the hand of Pharaoh and the Egyptians. The Israelites cried out to God for help, and He showed up in a BIG way. God sent Moses to Pharaoh to tell him to “Let my people go!” God would go to any lengths to rescue His people. He reached out to help them with an outstretched hand.

If you’ve heard the recounting of this history, you know what happens when Pharaoh won’t relent. God sent the plagues! It was an intentional display of His sovereignty as Creator and Sustainer, and it was a clear message to Pharaoh, whose heart was hard as stone.

I’ve been doing some in-depth study recently about the background of these plagues (in light of our current situation, and it has been eye-opening). I found out that the plagues were not just random, like I thought when I learned them in Sunday School as a kid. The 10 Plagues were intentional acts of deliverance by God to save His people out of Egypt, and moreover each one of the plagues was a direct attack on a specific Egyptian god. The Egyptians had a polytheistic religion. God sent a clear message to them. not only would he do anything to rescue HIS people, but that He is the LORD over ALL, and there are no other gods before him.

In Exodus, chapters 6-11, we see the story of the 10 Plagues.
The Nile turns to blood.
Frogs. Gnats. Flies. Cattle dying. Boils. Hail. Locusts. Darkness.
Wait a minute, that’s only 9? Yep, the most important Plague was saved for last.

The Death of the Firstborn was coming. God had warned Pharaoh over and over again. Yet he wouldn’t give up his pride. Remember how I told you each one of the plagues de-bunked an individual god of the Egyptians. Well, they also worshipped Pharaoh as god, and his firstborn son was set to become the next King of Egypt. Pharaoh had also ordered the mass murder of Hebrew babies, the order was given to kill every male Jewish baby in the kingdom. That awful sin was not overlooked by God. Be sure your sins will find you out.

God knew what Pharaoh had done, and He would come to the rescue of His People. God is perfect and just. He sees all, and knows all, down to the very details. He will require each person to give an account for their sins. In the Old Testament, before Jesus came, there were moments in history where God judged nations. The nations that continued in their sins were dealt with. God had given Abraham this promise, many years earlier:

“The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.
“I will make you into a great nation,
    and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
    and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
    and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
    will be blessed through you.”
Genesis 12:1-3

Pharaoh and the Egyptians had enslaved, oppressed, and cursed God’s people long enough. God had heard the cries of each one of the Israelites, and He showed his mercy by fighting back against this injustice on their behalf.

But God provided a way of salvation through the blood of lambs. God protected His People. If His people sacrificed the lambs and put it on the doorposts of their homes, the Angel of Death would PASS OVER. God’s people sheltered in place during this plague. Anyone who did not have the blood of the lamb covering their homes would experience death. God’s grace was evident in this story even as His justice was displayed. God is both loving and just. He must judge sin. But He is also the Deliverer. This was a foreshadow of the salvation that would come later.

The Blood of Christ, Shed for You

There is a fountain filled with blood, drawn from Immanuel’s veins. And sinners plunged beneath that flood, lose all their guilty stains.

William Cowper, “There is a fountain filled with blood” (1771)

In the New Testament, God provided a Passover Lamb. This time, the Lamb would be slaughtered for the sins of the world. God is not willing that any should perish, so in His love, He sent His Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus was the fulfillment of Passover. Jesus was our Perfect, Spotless Lamb. When Jesus came, He established the New Covenant. No longer would we have to keep shedding blood of animals to cover sins. Jesus’ blood is enough!

Jesus is God’s love, providing a Savior, who took the wrath of God on himself, for us. The punishment for our sins was placed on Jesus, instead of us. Again, we see the perfect Justice of God to punish sin. But we also see the perfect Grace of God, because He sent Jesus to take the suffering for us. He paid the price for our sins.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

John the Baptist spoke about Jesus: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” John 1:29b

The prophet Isaiah wrote about Jesus YEARS before he was born, and all of these prophecies were fulfilled in Jesus:

Who has believed our message
    and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.
Isaiah 53:1-7

…For he bore the sin of many,
    and made intercession for the transgressors.
Isaiah 53:12b

The blood of Jesus was shed on our behalf. If you believe in Jesus, you will be saved. God will give you eternal life, instead of eternal death. We can be SAVED! His blood holds the MOST important truth we could ever know: salvation through Jesus Christ.

Here are some verses that help us understand this Good News more clearly:

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life 
in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.“
Romans 10:9-11 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”

This is the power of the Gospel! If we believe in Jesus, we can be saved! YOU can be saved today! Forgiven and dearly loved by God. That is my prayer for you.

Communion

“And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.”
Luke 22:19-20

Just like the Israelites celebrated the very first Passover in quarantine, my church celebrated Good Friday in quarantine. It was a special time because we got to take Communion together! We got a phone call early in the week from our pastor, letting us know to prepare juice and crackers. What a special time of worship on Friday! We sang songs of Jesus’ suffering, remembered His love for us on the cross, and all together, separately, we took part in the Lord’s Supper.

As Derek and I worshipped the Lord in our living room, I remembered another special time that we had the chance to serve each other the Lord’s Supper: Our wedding day! We love Jesus, and celebrating what He did on the cross is so important to us! This was the first time since our wedding that we served communion to one another, on Good Friday. Oh! Jesus, we love you!

Resurrection

But Jesus didn’t stay dead. He paid for our sins, was buried, and on the third day, HE ROSE!

“On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb.  They found the stone rolled away from the tomb,  but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?  He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”  Then they remembered his words.” Luke 24:1-8

YES!!!! JESUS IS ALIVE TODAY! HE IS RISEN!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Nothing, not a plague, not a virus, not the government, not social distancing, nothing can stop God’s love from pursuing us! I heard people saying what a shame it was that we wouldn’t be celebrating Easter this year. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

The Church is not a building. The Church is the people of God, praising Him wherever we are. We may be relocated, but the Church is alive, because He is Alive! Nothing can stop the that truth! JESUS is alive! No quarantine can contain the power of His Resurrection! May we shout it from the rooftops and out our windows, until the whole world hears! JESUS LOVES YOU! HE IS ALIVE! We woke up, got dressed up for our Lord Jesus, sang songs of victory, and listened to God’s Word! Easter was beautiful this year! Praise the Lord!

There is power in the blood of Jesus. His blood was shed once for all. May we believe, and never be the same.

Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for continued chemo recovery, that Hannah would have stamina to make it through each treatment and the side effects it brings. Pray for more good days than bad. Pray for good white/red blood cell counts, and no sickness or infections. Pray for the Lord to give sleep to Hannah, as insomnia and body aches are one of the worst side effects.
• Pray for the quarantine in our household, and for specific protection from EVERY sickness, especially the Coronavirus. Pray for endurance to weather more than a month of being stuck at home. Pray for God to bring joy in the waiting.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray for our nation, and our world, for God to inspire a unique revival of hearts to Jesus Christ. Pray that this time would not be wasted, but that people would take the time to consider their eternal destinies, and need for Christ. PRAY it changes us forever. PRAY it brings us to our knees before a holy and loving God. PRAY we don’t just go back to “business as usual” but that we see a revival with more blessings than we ever imagined. PRAY for hearts bent heavenward, minds consumed with the Scriptures, knees bent to the earth, souls filled, not with sin, but with Jesus Christ.
• Pray for all of those who are out of work, those who are in leadership, those who are currently sick or at risk, due to the Coronavirus/Covid-19. Pray that we would all be diligent to take the proper precautions to protect those at risk and love them from afar in new and unique ways.
• Pray for spiritual and physical healing in our nation. Pray that we would return to God, and see the next Great Awakening!
• Pray that God would CONTINUE bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. Let us continue to find NEW ways of communicating, connecting, sharing, loving, praying, and showing Jesus to one another on a daily basis.

Thankful for HIS blood,

Hannah

“Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house,  and there came a messenger to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them,  and the Sabeans fell upon them and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.”  While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants and consumed them, and I alone have escaped to tell you.”  While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The Chaldeans formed three groups and made a raid on the camels and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.”  While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house,  and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” 
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong….So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head.  And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes. Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.”  But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.  And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

Job 1:13-22; 2:7-13

Suffering & God’s Sovereignty

Have you ever been in a season that has been so bad, that you just don’t think you can take one MORE bad thing? It’s like if one more thing happens, the glass will shatter. It will be the straw that broke the camel’s back. It will be the last straw. You are on edge, and hanging by a thread. You just don’t see how you can take one more blow.

And then it happens, or many things happen. When it rains, it pours.

When all of this is stripped away, and you are left bare and raw, how do you respond?

On a day of feasting, and happiness, Job lost everything. His livestock was stolen. Fire came and burned all of his sheep and servants. Two of his most profitable sources of income and resources were taken from him! Raiding parties came and took his camels. His method of transportation was stolen, and his servants were killed. His sons and daughters were crushed to death suddenly in a tragic collapse caused by a mighty wind. He lost his children unexpectedly, all of them, at one time. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he dealt with painful sores all over his body. He sat in anguish, using broken pottery, a broken man, scraping to get by. He had an unbelieving and critical spouse. His tragedy was so great. Yet he couldn’t even share his grief on the same wavelength as his wife, the one person who was supposed to be there for him. He had friends who tried to sympathize with him, but they just didn’t “get it.” Their comfort turned to assumptions and trying to “fix” it instead of just being there. But in spite of all this, Job didn’t sin. Instead, Job trusted the LORD and worshiped Him in the middle of his suffering.

I wish we could all say we are like Job, and we wouldn’t break under the pressure. But I know I’m nowhere near as blameless as Job. He was a godly man, and I believe the Lord allowed this history to be told. This tragedy shows us that even in suffering, we can praise God. That’s a hard truth, but we can. If Job can trust God in all of this, maybe there’s some merit to his faith. Maybe the fire refined him so well, that he had the most pure and REAL worship experience ever known.

It’s not to say that Job didn’t feel grief. It’s not to say he didn’t hurt, sitting there in pain, emotional, physical, mental, and more. It’s not to say he that didn’t wonder WHY this was happening to him. He did. It’s not to say that he didn’t feel LOSS. He tore his clothes and shaved his head. That was a Jewish sign of mourning. But YET, he CHOSE to praise God. He CHOSE to acknowledge God’s sovereignty.

At the end of the book of Job, God showed his Majesty in the beauty of His creation. He revealed an AWESOME display of His holiness as the Creator. Job learned even more reverence and awe of the Lord, knowing God more deeply than he ever did before.

Then, God blessed Job when the trials had passed. When the suffering had ended and the tears were wiped away, God brought Job THROUGH his suffering. Job came to the other side with a greater understanding of who God IS. Job received a double portion of EVERYTHING he had lost. He was a righteous man, who made it through the night to the dawn.

It’s also interesting that this story is included in the Bible, because we can relate to Job. We don’t always understand WHY suffering happens, and we don’t always get an answer for that. Job didn’t. But we can trust God, and know Him better through the hardships. God is sovereign.

Losses & Greatest Gain

Cancer has a way of stripping away, too. Since the beginning of this journey, I’ve known that I could TRUST God. But I have experienced SO MUCH LOSS. It has broken me of self-reliance and brought me to this desperate dependance on Jesus. It has made me STILL, and given me this hunger for His Word. I’m not perfect, but cancer has cleared the way for me to run to Jesus.

I lost my “perfect” health. I lost my sense of safety in my own body, fearing the cancer cells inside my body, which I can’t get away from, it’s always with me. For a season, I have lost the ability to go to work and lost time with my students, volunteers, and co-workers who I miss dearly. I lost the confidence that we will be able to conceive children naturally, although I believe God is sovereign over that too. It’s hard to describe having the biblical name “Hannah” and being told there is a chance that you could be “barren.” I lost my breasts, which I am usually very modest about, but I will never again have the nerve-endings in my chest to be able to hug chest to chest the same way again. That was a HUGE loss. It affects both me and the one I love, even though he is the greatest husband, with the MOST kind and sweet heart despite our loss. With great solemness, and much modesty, I want to share that I have read verses like this in Scripture, and wept: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

Surgeries, needles, shots, IVs, medicine, chemotherapy. I lost my comfort, walking though excruciating pain and extreme, lingering soreness as I recovered. I lost my ability to drive myself for a LONG time. God has provided all I needed, and people to help and love me. Still, I like to be behind the wheel and miss it. I’ve lost SO much sleep, because of anxiety and pain on my bad days.

With the current pandemic, I am losing ability to socialize in person, to get my extrovert “fix” and my emotional batteries recharged. I am losing my sense of freedom in my environment, because of the contagious nature of Covid-19, and my compromised immune system. I am losing my ability to go ANYWHERE except trips to the doctor because I’m at high risk. My team and my students at church lost our choir tour trip, and all of our wonderful plans were cancelled due to Covid-19. My musical theater class is THANKFULLY delayed to the Fall, not cancelled. (Praise the LORD!) I know everyone is losing something.

And this week, I am sad to say, I am experiencing hair loss. Yesterday, I had to make a decision, a very hard decision. It was very traumatic watching my hair fall out, so we shaved my head with a buzz cut. I can’t begin to describe what it’s like as a woman to lose my hair. It felt like Mulan again, cutting her hair to go to war. I feel like the precog, Agatha on the Spielberg movie Minority Report. It felt like Anne Hathaway from Les Misérables, when her hair was cut for real in a scene of sorrow. It won’t be long until I am completely bald. This is a sign that the chemo is WORKING, which is a good thing, but it’s hard.

Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m trying to view it as a time of becoming like a baby again. I’m trying to keep my focus on this time of renewal and dependence on God. He is pruning me back like a rose bush, with the hopes that gorgeous roses will bloom in time. In the meantime, I have beautiful wigs, and cute chemo caps, but it is still a loss. I have read verses like this one, with tears: “But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; for her hair is given to her for a covering.” 1 Corinthians 11:15

YET, I WILL praise Jesus. I will worship Him. He is with me. He has provided ALL I have needed, and even some things I desired. He has guided this process, with great treatment and successes. We are winning battles against cancer, in Jesus’ Name. SO MANY have stood with me, beside me, and given me so much help and comfort. I have experienced JESUS! I have been trying to share His love with others, as I find opportunities. I have found His JOY in the midst of suffering and pain. My identity is found in JESUS! It is NOT found in my physical appearance, my career, my family or friends, or my diagnosis. God is sovereign. I belong to HIM! I’m His daughter, a daughter of the King! My cancer and the things I have and have lost do not define me. Jesus does!

There are so many Bible verses that help during this hard time. God is here with me. He is with us all. He has compassion on us and loves us dearly! Whatever I have to lose in this life, give me Jesus. He is EVERYTHING! Knowing Jesus, knowing His Word, and having a relationship with HIM is my GREATEST gain.

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 
Philippians 3:7-12

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” 
James 1:2-4

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.“
Ephesians 2:10

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves….”
1 Peter 3:1-5a

“Be glad, people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains because he is faithful. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God,
    and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.
Joel 2:23-27

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28

Heart of Worship

In the 1990’s, Matt Redman, well-known Christian singer/songwriter, was living in England. He was serving a church that was apathetic in their worship. They were going through the motions, but there was no passion, no depth. It was probably a very discouraging time to be a worship pastor. Any music ministers or pastors out there who have had this happen before? You sing your heart out, or preach a truth-filled sermon with the fire of God’s Word, and the people are at best, apathetic. That was what was happening at Matt Redman’s church. The people had lost their first love. The congregation was struggling to express itself through music and singing in worship.

So the pastor, Mike Pilavachi decided to do something radical. Matt Redman tells the story:
“There was a dynamic missing, so the pastor did a pretty brave thing,” he recalls. “He decided to get rid of the sound system and band for a season, and we gathered together with just our voices. His point was that we’d lost our way in worship, and the way to get back to the heart would be to strip everything away.”

The pastor decided to worship in a new way, stripping away the music and sound. Can you imagine how awkward that first gathering must have been? How silent?

Pastor Mike asked this question: “When you come through the doors on a Sunday, what are you bringing as your offering to God?” He wanted to bring the focus back to Jesus, and their relationship with him. Once they got right with God, there was a REVIVAL! It was individual people, checking their hearts, and seeking the Lord. A cappella songs began to rise from the silence! Heartfelt prayers were prayed to God!

Matt Redman said this, “Before long, we reintroduced the musicians and sound system, as we’d gained a new perspective that worship is all about Jesus, and He commands a response in the depths of our souls no matter what the circumstance and setting. ‘The Heart of Worship’ simply describes what occurred.” This is the song that he wrote as he learned about worship.

(Details for this story came from a helpful Song Story website. For the full story, visit: https://www.crosswalk.com/church/worship/song-story-matt-redmans-the-heart-of-worship-1253122.html)

Potential for Our Revival

Today, we have an opportunity for revival as individuals, as a nation, and as a world. The SAME God reigns today, that was sovereign in Job’s day and in the 1990’s at Matt Redman’s church. The SAME God reigns in spite of the global pandemic, the social distancing, and the quarantine. He is STILL on His throne. We can still worship Him together in spirit by His Spirit.

Where do you see God stripping away in the church today? Can we still worship when we cannot gather physically? Can we still pray together without prayer meetings? Can we still sing together? Were we making much of church attendance, for the sake of attending as tradition, rather than seeking to gather and praise Jesus?

Were TRADITION, SOCIALIZING, RELIGION, and SELF gods in our lives instead of Jesus Christ? Let it not be so! Were we going through the motions and the routine of going, just to “go to church”? Or can we see now that we have a desperate NEED to ACTUALLY encounter a living God who meets us where we are? Can’t we see now that we have a desperate NEED to serve one another in love as God’s family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and to reach the lost for the GOSPEL? We need to reevaluate our intentions and WHY we do what we are doing as the Church. We need to check our hearts for where God may be pruning us through this trial.

Where do YOU need revival? Listen to what God could do in your heart and your life, brothers and sisters. He is stripping away our comfort, our routine, and our tradition for a REASON. He has our attention, and our distractions have been silenced. Can you hear His voice?

Where do you see the stripping away of the idols in our nation today? Have you watched everything come to a standstill? What could we be worshiping in place of Jesus? Busyness. Careers. Sports. Concerts. Indulgence. Entertainment. Friends. Money. Economy. Self.

Who would have thought we would live to see Times Square look like a ghost town? Who could have dreamed we would see DisneyWorld empty? Who could have predicted the lights going dark in Las Vegas? Who would have known that stadiums, restaurants, concert halls, businesses, schools, and churches would sit empty?

My heart is heavy for the sick, for those who have lost their jobs, for those who are making sacrifices for the sake of others, for many more losses we have all experienced. It is a historic time, a time of great suffering. We all need Jesus now more than ever.

We NEED revival. Revival is not just an event or a yearly camp meeting. Revival is bringing something that is threatening to die back to life. Revival is a renewal, a turning back to God and to His truth. Revival starts with us. Revival begins with His people who call on His name.

I’m praying fervently for God to deal with my heart, to reveal His will for me, to help me repent and to be obedient. I’m asking Him to help me draw closer to Him in the silence, in the loneliness, in the suffering of our time, and in my own hardships.

OH, that we would press in to touch the hem of His garment, desperate for His presence. OH, that we would allow this to humble us, to get us on our knees and to pray, to repent of our sins. Only then will we see healing in our land. God promises in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14 that he will bring HEALING.

“When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people, if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. “
2 Chronicles 7:13-14

I hope that we see people turn to Jesus in this time of suffering. My heart breaks for ALL the different types of loss we have all felt and experienced at this time. I want healing and salvation in Jesus for every person. God loves you.

As we pray for a cure, let us not neglect our greatest need: Jesus.

Prayer:

• Pray for God to use whatever you have lost, to show you His compassion and sovereignty, to bring you closer to Jesus.
• Pray for God to spur His people, the Church, to choose humility, prayer, and repentance from sin, that He would hear from heaven, forgive our sin, and heal our land. Pray that the Church, God’s people would do His work right now!
• Pray for God to reveal your true IDENTITY, who you were created to be in Jesus.
• Pray for God to show you what he is trying to teach you at this unique time.
• Pray for the lost, those who don’t believe in Jesus. Pray that God would use this hardship to remove away hearts of stone, and replace it with hearts of flesh. Pray for the eternal destiny of that one person or many in your life that you know doesn’t know Jesus personally, that they may be saved and find hope in Him. Ask God to open doors of opportunity for you to share the gospel, the good news of salvation with them.
• Ask God to break you of anything that needs to be stripped away so that you can know Him better, so that you can live in freedom, so that you can serve others in love. Ask God to break down any gods/idols in your life other than Jesus.
• Pray for God to heal us from our sin, and heal our land of the Coronavirus/Covid-19.
• Pray for individuals, for our nation, and for the world. Pray for healing, spiritual THEN physical. Pray for the next Great Awakening. It could happen, if we seek and pray, if we love others in Jesus’ Name, and if we obey the Lord.

Bowed, shaved head, and humbled heart,
Hannah Rock