"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. DRAW NEAR to God, and he will DRAW NEAR to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
James 4:7-8 (emphasis added)

What would you do if all of the sudden you had to be quarantined at home?
Would you be relieved? Would you become anxious?

Are you introverted or extroverted?
Would you miss hanging out with people?
Or would you enjoy the “social distancing” as a time to recharge?

What hobbies would you turn to? Books? Movies? TV Shows? Work outs?
Crafts? Chores? House projects? Cooking? Journaling? Time with family?

Would you be worried about the activities you are missing out on?
Work? School? Socializing? Fun?

What about your time with the Lord? Would you make sure to intentionally spend time
alone with God? Prayer? Bible time? Memorizing Scripture?

Who would you reach out to? Message? Call? Video Chat? Write cards to?
What do you meditate on? You have all this time now. How are you using it?

It’s funny when we come to the crossroads of crisis in our lives, how we respond. We don’t always know how to prepare when things hit suddenly, but whatever we cling to on a regular basis will show who we are when push comes to shove. What we fill our lives up with will come out at critical moments in time.

What or Who dwells in you? What or Who are you DRAWING NEAR to right now? Is it pleasing to God? Do you know how much He loves you and longs for you to DRAW NEAR to Him? What is your character when crisis hits? Are you being intentional?

My Daily Routine

I know in my life, this trial by fire has revealed my own heart. It is still burning up that which is not important, and it leaves behind only the best and worst parts of my character that I need to submit to God. It is a time for taking inventory of my soul. I’m not perfect, not even close. I desperately need more of Jesus to transform my thinking and DRAW NEAR to Him.

Let me answer my own questions. If I’m honest about my alone time, I’ve been more anxious than relieved. I’ve had to step away from so much at work and church, and friends. It makes me sad to be alone, although I LOVE time with my sweetheart, caretaker, best friend, and greatest love Derek! I love you every day, baby! At least we have each other!

I have thought about my students and their families DAILY. When they were meeting, and I was at home, I thought of each of them, sometimes by name! I love you all so much and hope earnestly to get back to seeing you again (you know, once the world gets back to normal for EVERYONE.) I DEFINITELY miss hanging out with people. I miss singing in the choir and worshiping together!

I knit and paint-by-number on a daily basis. I love making things and painting. I watch Star Wars, Disney movies (working on the cartoon ones in order of release), and many other shows on all streaming sources. I’ve done laundry and used many creative ways to fold shirts (yay Marie Kondo folding!) I do chores or find little accomplishable parts of a house renovation that I can work on to pass the time. I find a time each week to blog. I haven’t journaled with ink on pages like I thought I would. Which is WEIRD, usually I’m an ink and paper kind of gal. Right now, most of the time I’m just too tired. I see areas where I still need growth. I need to message/call people more. I’ve got a running list of people I’m writing cards to, or working on it. I need to be more intentional with my thankful list and my daily goals. I’m still a work in progress (He’s still working on me!)

Life in recovery has taught me a lot about myself. It has made me keenly aware of time that was wasted or squandered when I was healthy. It makes me more grateful for my work, and more eager to work within God’s will and His purpose in what I give my time to. It makes me grateful for the moments with family and friends, and His Church, that every moment I get with them is a GIFT! It has opened my eyes to the LITTLE blessings that I once skipped over. May I not take for granted these blessings, not for a second. Lord, give me the grace to grow, to become aware of Your daily provision, and even salvation, what a GIFT!

 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us DRAW NEAR to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ”
Hebrews 10:19-23 (emphasis added)

Jesus is the best gift. His presence has never left me, even in the darkest part of this nightmare, there is hope of the dawn. When the midnight meets the morning, the Light of Jesus encompasses the darkness of my circumstances. Oh, that He would help me to draw even nearer through the storm. Let me love Him even more.

Here is a song that has meant a lot to me on this journey. A dear college professor and mentor of mine in college used to worship with this song all the time. She even used it in our classes. This song has been like an anchor, reminding me of the truth that I WILL get through this with God’s help. Not on my own, but with Him I can undertake any challenge. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.

Updates on Chemo

I started my first round of chemo on Wednesday, March 11. Remember, because my oncotype was LOW, I was allowed to get the Medium Severity Chemo. That means I only have to get chemo every 3 weeks!

My first day at chemo was surprisingly calm. I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I thought it would be painful or largely symptomatic on the first day. I was wrong. The oncology wing is so calm. The nurses are precious. They took my blood work with minimal pain (I STILL hate needles!) They inserted my IV into my wrist, which wasn’t as painful as any other IV that I’ve ever had. It was the BEST case scenario for a first day!

I sat with my mom, and we talked and visited. I did have to ice my fingers and toes for the first hour of treatment. This helps to lessen the chance of numbness or tingling in the fingers and toes (neuropathy). It’s so cold! But that’s okay! I didn’t struggle with any numbness or issues, so it worked!

While I sat there, I noticed a man who sat next to me in another chemo chair. He didn’t look good. We nodded at each other in acknowledgement, then each went back to our visitors, and didn’t mind each other much after that.

The time flew for me. I only had to be in there for a total of 4 hours! So we waited and I couldn’t help but overhear a phone conversation the man was having next to me, “I think we need to set up a time to meet. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be living.” My heart sunk. This is a reality in the cancer world. While my case is not this dire, there are other cases that come into the chemo room that are desperate. We finished up my last round of medicine and started packing up to go. The man asked me my name and I told him. He asked what I was in for, and I said I was a breast cancer patient. He nodded and told me he had stage four colon cancer.

As I prepared to leave, I remembered that I had a flip book of notecards with verses written on them. I didn’t know what to say, but I just told him that God loved him, and gave him my Romans 8:28 card. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” He thanked me, and I left the room, wondering if he will be there when I come back in 3 weeks for my next round. It broke my heart. Y’all pray that God would speak to this man, even in what could be his final days. While there’s life and breath, there is still time for God to work in his life!

Since I’ve been home, it’s been 6 days. Almost a week. The biggest blessing has been that the side effects have been minimal! Praise God! The only side effects that have been an issue have been some insomnia, heartburn, tiredness, loss of taste, and minor digestion issues. Little to no nausea! What a praise! The most important part of all this is making sure that I stay well in this process, as I am in the category of “high risk immunocompromised.” All that means is that because of chemo, while the medicine is attacking the cancer cells, it is also attacking my white blood cells. So my immune system is way low. NO going out for me! Not to worry. I want to fight this battle well!

That means that any virus, not just Coronavirus/Covid-19, could infect me and potentially slow down my treatment time or worse, threaten my life. We DEFINITELY don’t want that. That means all viruses, flu, common cold, stomach bugs, sinus infections, whatever, can put me at risk. We are taking precautions to make sure that I do not catch anything from anyone for any reason. This also means we are quarantining me from catching the Coronavirus as well. We are walking by faith, and making wise decisions day by day to ensure I do not get sick. It’s a pain, but it will be worth it. I’m not going anywhere, so nobody panic 🙂 My amazing family and friends are looking out for my well-being, and I’m thankful for their love!

My next appointments are:

Friday, March 20th – 10 Day Check (blood work, checking up on my side effects, checking white blood counts)
Wednesday, April 1st – Chemo Treatment #2

Digging in God’s Word

If I’m honest, in my prolonged Sabbath, I haven’t spend enough time reading the Word and spending quiet time in prayer like I should be. Just recently, I had a great conversation with a sister in Christ who called me out on it, and she helped me get back to daily digging in the Word. I’m so grateful for accountability! I NEED to be more intentional, more earnest, more desiring of the Lord. God’s Word is LIFE! Meditating on it day and night gives life and purpose. He is our HOPE!

Blessing

Today, there was a HUGE blessing that came in the mail that gave me hope and made me WEEP for JOY! Our choir and orchestra family at church made these AMAZING cards with MULAN on them! So hilarious and sweet! I wept when I opened the package and hundreds of cards fell out! WHAT?! Precious family of God showing the kindness of Christ!

The Body of Christ, reaching out and being His Hands and Feet! I was SO deeply encouraged by your prayers and messages of love and friendship! WOW!

The Challenge

Today, my challenge to you is this: Be intentional with the time you have been given. The Lord has pushed PAUSE for a reason. Take the time. Don’t complain. USE your time for something good. Read. Listen. Pray.

With this plot twist, many of us get the chance for God to hit the RESET button. Maybe it’s good that we find a reprieve from business as usual. Maybe this pruning will produce EVEN MORE than we ever thought imaginable.

This could be a Year of Jubilee for our country, for our world, for our united community of believers. The Year of Jubilee in Scripture was a Sabbath to let the land rest that was once in a lifetime (Once every 49 years to be exact, seven years time seven. Bringing in the 50th year, on the Day of Atonement. See Leviticus 25). Every seventh year they rested the land. But once in 50 years, there was a unique time to let the ground grow over and rest. This made the harvest EVEN MORE plentiful after the rest was complete! During the Year of Jubilee, slaves were set free, a Year of FREEDOM. There was a call to treat all transactions with fairness and doing what is right. God urged his people to provide for the poor and needy doing that time, so no one would go without. It was a year of rest and refreshing for the whole country. Who knows but that God may be giving the same type of rest to our nation as we sit and wait? We should look carefully at this time to biblical history, to see what lessons we can learn!

The prayers of God’s army, collectively as we are separated but united in Spirit, are powerful! Let’s seek the Lord and draw near to Him even closer than before at this time! Revival! An unprecedented revival in homes across this country! God can do it!

Draw near. Submit to God. Resist the devil. Wash your hands, and wash your hearts at this time.

For those of you who are at a disadvantage due to this crisis, I’m so sorry. I know that many of you are out of work, and have had to adjust plans based on whatever information we have available to us. I’m praying for all of you! It will all be okay, one way or another. It’s all going to work out. I don’t know how, but I know WHO. Remember: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

But I know this, you still have life and breath. You still have a purpose. God has a purpose for YOU! Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

As we DISTANCE ourselves, for the safety of others and ourselves, let us draw NEARER to God. I’m convinced that we can see an indescribable revival of hearts in our nation, if we choose to use our time to DEAR NEAR to God.

Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for the man that Hannah met in the chemo room, that God would meet him in his season and he would be saved and know God’s love.
• Pray for continued chemo recovery, that Hannah would have stamina to make it through each treatment and the side effects it brings. Pray for little or no nausea. Pray for good white blood cell counts, and no sickness or infections. Pray for the Lord to give sleep to Hannah, as insomnia is one of the worst side effects.
• Pray for the quarantine in our household, and for specific protection from EVERY sickness, especially the Coronavirus.
• Pray for Hannah’s work. Many adjustments are ahead for the performing groups. The church Youth Choir Tour has had a full cancellation, and the Homeschool Musical group is waiting to see what conditions will be after Spring Break. Subs have been WONDERFUL in communicating with parents and families as we navigate this together. Pray also for Derek’s work, as he is temporarily working on setting up online/distance-based learning models for his classes at school. We are trusting God’s provision during this time as we navigate and lead our groups of students accordingly.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray for our nation, and our world, for God to inspire a unique revival of hearts to Jesus Christ. Pray that this time would not be wasted, but that people would take the time to consider their eternal destinies, and need for Christ. Pray that we would use the time well to draw near to the Lord, separated, but unified in a great unexpected REVIVAL! Pray for repentance of sin and for sinners to come to salvation in Jesus Christ! The GOOD NEWS of the gospel is STILL TRUE!
• Pray for all of those who are out of work, those who are in leadership, those who are currently sick or at risk, due to the Coronavirus/Covid-19. Pray that we would all be diligent to take the proper precautions to protect those at risk and love them from afar in new and unique ways.
• Pray for kindness, consideration, and grace for everyone as we love on grocery store workers, as parents take on new challenges with homeschooling or online schooling, pray for hospitals and those in the thick of it, for their protection and for wisdom to fight this disease. Pray for our nation’s leaders, that God would give them divine insight for decisions that need to be made in the coming days.
• Pray that God would CONTINUE bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. Let us find NEW ways of communicating, connecting, sharing, loving, praying, and showing Jesus to one another on a daily basis.

“Life is short and we have too little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel the way with us. So, be swift to love and make haste to be kind….and may the blessing of God Almighty, Father, Son and Holy Spirit be with you now and always.“

Drawing nearer,

Hannah Rock

 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

The Battle Belongs to God

He said, “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” Jehoshaphat bowed down with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the Lord.  Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the Lord, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice. 2 Chronicles 20:15-18

King Jehoshaphat was faced with a major battle against God’s people. Moab and Ammon’s armies were coming, and they had to make decisions about how to get ready. God sent a Spirit-filled person to him to help him know which way he should go. God reassured him that the battle belonged to THE LORD! The next day, the enemy army would arrive, and the battle would begin. The king listened to wise counsel and responded with WORSHIP! And his people followed his lead! Later on in the same passage, he sent out singers on the front lines of battle!!

After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying:
“Give thanks to the Lord,
    for his love endures forever.”
 As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. 
2 Chronicles 20:21-22

The head of the army, most likely the deadliest place in the battle. The valley of the shadow of death. The one place you probably wouldn’t find singing or rejoicing. The scariest steps, with thoughts of certain death. The front lines of battle.

And yet, the king sent the worshipers there!
SING!
GIVE THANKS!
DECLARE GOD’S FOREVER LOVE!

It made NO sense in worldly thinking. Right…Sure….go send those singers to go die right there on the front row. What? It seemed crazy!

But God DWELLS IN THE PRAISES OF HIS PEOPLE! He made a promise to fight for them, and it wasn’t just a song that was sung. Those brave soldiers were leading worship in the faces of the enemy, declaring who God is and trusting Him completely. Worship filled the battlefield. As they sang and praised God, the Lord sent ambushes on their enemies. The BEST verse here and most incredible: and they were defeated.

WOW! You mean to tell me that praise and worship and singing are important? Heck yeah they are! Declaring the power of the one true God is one of the greatest weapons we have!

On the fourth day they assembled in the Valley of Berakah, where they praised the Lord. This is why it is called the Valley of Berakah to this day. Then, led by Jehoshaphat, all the men of Judah and Jerusalem returned joyfully to Jerusalem, for the Lord had given them cause
to rejoice over their enemies.
2 Chronicles 20:26-27

Valley of Berakah! BERAKAH means PRAISE! From that day on, the battlefield was named by that defining moment where PRAISING God, and HIS Presence became the most powerful weapon against the enemy.

Listen to one of my favorite new songs called “My Weapon” that goes right along with this message!

No Prison Can Hold His Presence

Another one of my favorite stories from the New Testament was a battle for a man’s soul, waging in the darkness of a prison. While Paul and Silas were arrested for doing ministry, they encountered the power of God in a remarkable way.

The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten with rods.  After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully.  When he received these orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. 
Acts 16:22-25

Okay, so let me get this straight. You get thrown into prison, for healing a girl, and are completely innocent of a crime, and then you are stripped naked and beaten with rods. THEN you are flogged (remember the whipping of Jesus, it’s the same treatment) there’s blood everywhere. THEN you’re thrown into prison, with chains on your feet.

Dark, locked up, bleeding, accused, beaten, and around midnight, you start………
PRAYING AND SINGING? WHAT?????

YES! Paul and Silas also knew the power of God’s presence. In the middle of the battle, in the chains, in the hurt, in the unfair situation, they praised God. And here’s what happened:

Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose. Acts 16:26

WORSHIP SHOOK THE FOUNDATIONS!
WORSHIP SHOOK THE PRISON!
WORSHIP BLEW OPEN THE DOORS!
WORSHIP UNCHAINED THE PRISONERS!
Worshiping God, yet again proved to be the most powerful weapon in any situation!

The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!” The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”Acts 16:27-30

The jailor had failed on the job. He was supposed to guard the prisoners. Romans were trained in the art of death and captivity. Soldiers who allowed prisoners to go free would pay with their very lives. And so, a failure, knowing that he was going to die, the jailor became suicidal.

A new battle raged, an urgent battle for the soul of the jailer. God put Paul and Silas in his path to stop him. Instead of death and tragedy, salvation was the story of the night! The man did not kill himself, but asked the MOST important question: “What must I do to be saved?” Worship paved the way to an opportunity for salvation!

They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.” Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all the others in his house. At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his household were baptized. The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God—he and his whole household. When it was daylight, the magistrates sent their officers to the jailer with the order: “Release those men.”  The jailer told Paul, “The magistrates have ordered that you and Silas be released. Now you can leave. Go in peace.” Acts 16:31-36

That night was powerful. God’s presence opened the doors and broke the chains loose. The suffering of Paul and Silas and their choice to worship in chains, led the way to an opportunity to share Jesus to save a man and his family from their sins. Even in the prison, the GOOD NEWS met the jailer there: Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved – you and your household.”

This song reminds me that MY GOD FIGHTS FOR ME! Such a great reminder:

My Battle with Cancer

Some of you may be thinking, those are some great Bible stories, Hannah, but how do they apply to you? God’s Word is active and living. His truth is eternal. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Worshiping God is powerful on our battlefields. Worshiping God is powerful in our prisons. God’s presence is constant even when we feel trapped by our circumstances. People who are getting ready to choose eternal death can know how to be saved, and choose eternal life through Jesus instead. Our suffering can lead us to places we never wanted to go, but give us the divine appointments necessary to reach people who desperately need to hear the gospel of Jesus.

I made a decision, when I was very young, to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I believe in the Lord Jesus. My soul is won. No cancer can take that from me. Nothing can take that away from me. Even if I die, I’m with Jesus in Heaven, so let’s keep that at the front of our minds as we continue. The most important battle in my life was won on the cross 2000 years ago, when Jesus took my place. He bled for my sins, took my punishment, died, was buried, and rose again on the third day. Any other battle has to answer to that victory, cause in the end, HE WON ME! I belong to Jesus!

Cancer is a battle. That’s why they call it a FIGHT against cancer. Sometimes they refer to us as warriors or survivors. There are many different battles we have to fight: emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, mental, psychological, financial, medical, and more. The weapons we take up against cancer are difficult: Surgery. Recovery. IVF. Chemotherapy. Radiation. We carry around scars. Deep wounds, physical and emotional. Each part of the fight is unique and difficult in its own way. Each cancer is different. No two stories are exactly the same, but God is still the same. His truth remains.

We are WARRIORS. Take up your armor. Stand firm, and take up your weapons. My first line of defense is JESUS. This battle belongs to God. My second line of defense is PRAYER! God hears the prayers of His people. The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much! My third is worship of Him, because historically and biblically, this is SO powerful! My weapon is a melody! Fourth, God has also provided knowledge and medicine to fight this fight, and this is the journey we walk through. I am SO thankful to live in a day and age where the medicine and testing is available to know the enemy and fight with weapons that are SPECIFIC to my cancer. Praise the Lord for modern medicine!

Tomorrow, I start chemotherapy. I feel like King J from the first story. The microscopic vast armies of the cancer cells are coming against my health and threatening my life and wellness. I have already fought many battles up to this point, but this one will be a new fight. Tomorrow we start the microscopic battle. The chemotherapy will flow through my veins into my body and destroy the enemy. The verse is pounding in my heart, preparing me:

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.
For the battle is not yours, but God’s. 
Tomorrow march down against them.
2 Chronicles 20:15

Listen to this AWESOME song, based on a true story, called “Raise A Hallelujah!” Amazing reminder to keep singing, louder than the unbelief!

Chemotherapy

The BEST appointment I had last week was with my oncologist. We had a test done on my tumor, called an oncotype test. This tests the type/aggression of my specific cancer, and it helps us know our enemy well enough to determine the best form of chemotherapy.

My oncotype score was 27 out of 100!

The low scores are usually 26 and lower. And my doctor told me that since my lymph nodes are negative, this is GREAT NEWS! We will treat my case with the Medium Severity Chemotherapy.

This treatment will be once every 3 weeks, for 3 months (12 weeks). So it’s only 4 sessions! I was amazed that we will be able to knock it out that quickly. The timeline was very encouraging to us! I will not need a port, but it will be administered through IV.

Start date is tomorrow, Wednesday, March 11

There are many side effects to come, so much so that I have a full folder of them. But I know that with every difficulty, that is part of the war against the cancer cells in my body. I won’t list all of the symptoms here, but there are many, and sometimes it is daunting. But again, one day at a time.

One of the most obvious side effects is complete HAIR LOSS. My oncologist has told me that I will have an almost 100% chance of losing my hair in the specific treatment that is laid out for me. Now that being said, I know people try to be nice in saying “Oh you know that sometimes people DON’T lose their hair due to chemotherapy. Maybe you won’t lose your hair!” I know you are trying to be encouraging, but please, don’t say that. I know what my doctor has told me in my case, and I am preparing appropriately. Remember, every breast cancer case is different and unique to each person.

My doctor has told me I will lose my hair. I have to prepare my heart and my emotions for this loss. I know it will grow back. But it is still a loss. Different people handle hair loss in different ways. I wept over mine, several times. I was super sad, because I loved my long hair very much. This week, I made the decision to cut my hair really short. That way, as my hair does fall out, it will be less traumatic, and more manageable.

Surgery Recovery

They say that recovery from a double mastectomy takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks after surgery. Tomorrow marks exactly 6 weeks! I am almost completely bounced back in my recovery from surgery, which is great! Just in time for chemo, which will knock me back down again. But that’s okay. No complications is a HUGE blessing, and I’m very grateful!

When I went to get my echocardiogram last week, it was very uncomfortable, especially since they had to work around my tissue expanders to get a good picture. One of the most encouraging things about it was when the nurse went to stick the wires on me for monitoring, she gasped, “Wow, where did you get your reconstruction done?” She was shocked and impressed by my results. After that, it occurred to me that most of the patients she probably encountered were from that original plastic surgeon. The one who declined my insurance. I had seen results that were pretty scary from that office, and my results didn’t even have the slightest bruising. THANK GOD for His providence and protection! He was reminding me that He had led me to the best doctors, for the best possible results. I couldn’t be happier.

One of the lingering struggles from the DM recovery is numbness and weakness in my right arm. I do my best to exercise daily. I have a number of arm exercises that help with range of motion. I feel like Mulan because some of them I have to lift a broom stick in the air.

Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for Hannah’s first day of chemotherapy tomorrow. Pray for good blood work, an easy IV during treatment, and no complications before, during, and after treatment.
• Pray that we will be able to balance life and cancer stuff well. Pray that we would choose to be like King J, Paul, and Silas, to pray, sing, worship, be thankful, and share the gospel in the middle of the battle.
• Pray that Hannah would recover well, and have stamina to make it through this treatment and the side effects it brings. Pray for little or no nausea. Pray for good white blood cell counts, and no sickness or infections.
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family. Praise God for the successful delivery of the 6 eggs to the long-term storage facility!
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season. Pray for Derek as he fills in/directs the Middle School Choir at church in addition to his school schedule.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Worshiping Him still, on my battlefield,

Hannah Rock

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

 These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:1-11

Have you had those moments where you can’t believe that what you’re living through is real? It feels like a dream. This CAN’T be reality, but you pinch yourself, and yes, it’s real. You go to sleep and wake up and remember that, oh yeah, that trial your facing is still there. I don’t say these things to complain, but rather to acknowledge my feelings, and to know that in spite of the depths of human sorrow or depression, my God is greater. His grace finds me when I feel like I can’t breathe.

Lately, I’ve been struggling emotionally. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. There is SO much to be thankful for. God is moving. God is present. People have given SO much to help us. I am humbled by all of it, and deeply thankful. But there are moments of indescribable sadness, like my soul is covered like clouds on an overcast day. Will I ever make it through this? I know that the answer is yes. Like I said, so much to be grateful for, but the present anxiety and depression still grip me when I least expect them. I’m reaching for God’s Word, and it IS an anchor in the storm. But the storm IS still raging, and I can’t overlook that aspect of this journey. This sadness, the tears, the deep emotional pain, the fears, the uncertainty, they all take a toll on you, and if you ignore that they are there, they do even worse damage to your spirit. So for that reason, here’s what’s going on.

There is GRIEF for things that I have lost and will lose. Some losses I expected, and I tried to prepare for. Other losses are unexpected ones. Other losses are yet to come. Some things I didn’t even really know would have an impact on me. The hidden losses are the worst ones. The losses that come to my mind in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping. And in those moments of sadness, I have been holding my breath. I’ve been stuffing it.

There is ANGER when the doctors ask me if I have had any other health issues. No, I’m perfectly healthy, except cancer. I’m trying not to be bitter, but it just ticks me off. CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? I try to stay calm but it just makes me mad. Anger when there is a new curveball, a new hurdle. I JUST got used to the last one and now we have to regroup and attack this disease from a different side or different angle. Anger when the doctors are saying different things, when the diagnosis is unclear, and it seems like we made one decision and now we have to go back to the drawing board and change the plan. I want to breathe, but I hold it back and stuff it.

There is GUILT when I feel sadness or anger. Guilt when I compare my situation to people who are much worse than I am. It could be SO much worse. Guilt when I see the resources the Lord has provided, because there are so many who don’t have these resources. Guilt when I see others walking through cancer and they seem like they have it all together. I’m just a hot mess. Lord, help me have faith like them. Day by day right now I’m just doing what I can to hold it together. I’m holding my breathe.

There is FRUSTRATION when I try to be positive and manage what I can control. But even in an attempt to pursue positivity, there’s a shadow that follows me, you still have cancer. I hold my breath, I push it way down and hope it goes away. Voices in my head telling me to suck it up, or stay positive, and deny the negative feelings that are very real. But I just can’t ignore them.

God sees it all. I won’t dwell there in despair. I dwell in my Savior’s grace and His Word as best I can right now, but I WILL allow myself to breathe out, to let loose all of the sadness and grief and anger and anxiety and depression and fear and downcast spirit. Lord, I release these REAL feelings to you. The first part of working through them is acknowledging that they are there. Breathe out!

There’s a song I love, Your Grace Finds Me by Matt Redman, that has a lyric, “Now I’m breathing in Your grace, and breathing out Your praise. I’m breathing in Your grace, forever, Lord.” God, help me breathe. “There in the darkest night of the soul. There in the sweetest songs of victory. Your grace finds me.”

In Psalms, there are many songs in Scripture that pour out the depth of human emotion. He told God when he was feeling alone. He told God when he was feeling angry and like life was unfair. He told God when he couldn’t feel Him near. He told God when he was downcast. But the Psalmist always came back to God’s sovereignty, in spite of feelings. Feelings are an outpouring of experience, but they don’t define us. It’s okay to ask: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why have you forgotten about me? Why so disturbed within me? Where is God? Why must I go about mourning?”

God’s truth in the face of difficulty goes beyond what we feel. God is STILL on His Throne. God STILL cares about us, and He wants to listen to us. He draws near to help and comfort us. He’s amazing and so patient. He is working all things for our good, but he has compassion to our current state. He is a loving Father who scoops us up, and lets us cry out to Him with real feelings too. We are called to rejoice always. Joy is choosing to trust God in the midst of these feelings. It doesn’t mean we are always positive and never have any issues. Rejoice in the Lord, means that we acknowledge those feelings, choose to give those feelings to God, and cling to His truth, and keep going. God can handle our hardest questions, our deepest valleys, and our darkest nights.

The last verse of Psalm 42 is a DECISION, not a FEELING. It is saying I WILL HOPE even though I’m asking these questions and feeling this way. God’s truth is sovereign over our human feelings.
“Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

Upcoming Chemo Plans

Our meeting with the oncologist was a standard one. It was a consultation to see where we are, and where we still have left to go. We met with my oncologist and discussed many things. Fertility, check. Surgery, check. She told us that she usually waits about 6 weeks from the surgery date to begin chemotherapy. We are on week 4. We discussed 2 options for chemo. She told us that she recommends my tumor to be sent off for a test known as the oncotype scoring test. This is a test from 1-100 to let us know how to decide which kind of chemo is necessary. Here’s what I know:

Option #1: Medium Severity Chemo – 3 Months
This chemotherapy is effective in people with lower oncotype scores. It does not require a port, but rather an IV known as a PICC line. This treatment is once every 3 weeks for 3 months.

Option #2: Severe/Harsh Chemo – 5 Months
This chemotherapy is effective in people with higher oncotype scores. It does require a port. This treatment has two layers. One layer is weekly. The other layer is once every 2 weeks. This treatment lasts 5 months.

There are more technical terms for these medicines, however I am summarizing what I know into words I understand. The oncotype test will come back in 2 weeks to let us know where to go from here.

Chemo is a systematic fight against the microscopic cancer cells that may still be hiding in my body. The reason I will lose my hair and have a low immune system is that chemo fights cancer cells, but it also fights other good cells in my body. Once I start chemo, ANY sickness no matter how small, could be a trip to the ER. I will be taking chances when I choose to venture out once chemo starts, because my immune system will not be working as well. This is something I’m worried about, to be isolated from everyone socially and with my work, but one step at a time.

I am also undergoing hormonal therapy. This will be a combination of a shot once a month, and a medicine which I haven’t started yet. I got my first shot last week. This part is relatively easy compared to the other treatments I will be receiving. Since my cancer is sensitive to hormones, this treatment calms down my system, puts things to sleep (sort of) so that my body will not pester the cancer to come back from my hormones. It helps things to lay low until the cancer is no longer a threat, if that makes sense.

The worst part of this appointment was my oncologist discussing her thoughts on radiation. She didn’t agree with the Breast Specialist. But she told us to wait and have a meeting with my radiation oncologist, who would have more thoughts on this. I was very unsettled about it, because I had been told twice that I wouldn’t have radiation. But there would be more discussion to come.

Trip to the Mountains

Right before Winter Break, we received a sweet gift of an Air B&B card! Anyone who knows me and Derek know that we love to adventure! We love road trips, even if they’re quick weekend trips. Air B&B is usually the most affordable way for us to satisfy our wanderlust.

We had appointments right up until the last half of Winter Break. So once we met with my oncologist, we left town, and ran away to the the North GA mountains. We got a beautiful cabin for a great price and significant time away, which we have not had in a good while. So timely. I took my unsettled heart and tried to let it go for a few days.

We got groceries and pretty much stayed in our cabin for 4 days. We did all the things we would normally do to rest at home. BUT being away was SO emotionally healing for me. The mountain air. We even had snow on one of the days (it didn’t stick).

Derek and I also reconnected with each other! Which I love doing. We had fun watching shows and talking, eating snacks together and taking great naps. I even built a fire in the fireplace. It was SO NEEDED, and I’m so thankful for time away to get out of the house, the mundane, and truly, deeply REST. I love my husband. He is the best thing, second to Jesus, that has every happened to me. I don’t deserve him! He’s my best friend and the absolute love of my life. I LOVE YOU DEREK!

God also met me there on the mountain. Being away gave me space to cry. I had been stuffing it, remember? I’ll be honest, I had a few hard cries, and was finally about to BREATHE. I let out all of the hurt and emotions that had been hiding away for weeks. Praise the Lord for some time away!

Radiation Discussion Continues

We got back from the mountains with the same unsettled feelings waiting for us. Many of you have been following this discussion for a while on my treatment. The questions that have been on our minds: Will I have radiation? Or will I not have radiation?

Twice now, I have gotten my hopes up, and thought that the answer was NO. I got excited and told all of you that I will not be having radiation. And at the time, I believed that was true. Now, it’s up in the air AGAIN. Back and forth, like a person on a bungee jumping cord, bouncing and flailing up and down. Can the doctors just settle on a decision please?! (Sorry, back to the anger…Lord, help me be patient.)

The unfortunate part of going through a cancer diagnosis, is that sometimes not every piece of information is set in stone. Sometimes the doctors don’t agree about what should be done and which treatment is best for the patient. It’s a roller coaster of emotion, and a yo-yo of hope, fear, and disappointment to say the least.

I’ve been told and thought the following:
“Wait and see.” Okay we’re WAITING
“No radiation because your lymph nodes are clear!” It’s a NO?! YAY!
“Well, we need to look at the size of your tumor. You’re not out of the woods yet.” Wait, what?
“There was lots of discussion at the Tumor Board, but
in my professional opinion, you don’t need radiation.” OH THAT’S a RELIEF!
“According to this new scientific study and findings, you actually fall here, if you were my wife, I would highly recommend radiation.” What a disappointment…*speechless*

Here’s my timeline of what happened:

• My original Breast Specialist who did the lumpectomy told me that negative lymph nodes mean no radiation. We waited to see what the lymph nodes diagnosis/pathology would say after the mastectomy.
• My lymph nodes came back negative. So I assumed no radiation. My new Breast Specialist who did the double mastectomy tells me that there is a Tumor Board who will meet to discuss my case because I’m very unique.
• After Tumor Board meets, my Breast Specialist tells me that because 2 surgeries were done on the same tumor, at 2 different times and 2 locations, with 2 different surgeons, there are 2 pieces of the tumor to analyze. The first piece was taken out at the time of the lumpectomy. The second piece was the leftover piece that was taken out at the time of the double mastectomy. If you add the two sizes of the tumor together one way, it’s above 5cm. If you add them a different way, its under 5cm. One diagnosis is a level 2A, the other is a level 2B (which I will explain in a minute). It was a big discussion, and opinions were split down the middle of the Tumor Board team of doctors. My Breast Specialist who was in attendance assumed I was a 2A, and recommended not to have radiation.
• I met with my regular Oncologist, and I told her what the Breast Specialist said. She disagreed, she was wary of the Breast Specialist assuming that I’m a 2A, when in reality I could be either a 2A or 2B. This is a rare situation. I fall right in the middle between the two categories.
• Derek and I go out of town, and turn off our frustrations for a few days.
• When we get back, my Breast Specialist sets up a conversation with the Radiation Oncologist. This is the EXPERT in this particular field. The Radiation Oncologist meets with us for 2 hours, and THOROUGHLY goes through every part of my case. He tells us that this was his favorite case of the year in that it was unique, and he wants to help us make the right decision. Basically, I’m WEIRD and no one knows which decision to make. At the end of his explanation of the Pros and Cons, he says that his professional recommendation would be for me to go through radiation.

Meeting with the Radiation Oncologist

We met with the Radiation Oncologist yesterday. He was very professional, and knew his stuff (of course, he’s an expert). Surprisingly, he was also a Christian, and he was very compassionate and moved by our story. He answered every question we had and very carefully explained anything we didn’t understand. Still, it was A LOT of information very fast. My head was spinning.

We looked at the visuals of my MRI pictures on the computer. He explained all of the traits of my cancer, my age and how that factors in, the tumor size, the hormone receptors, the negative lymph nodes are encouraging. However, at the microscopic level, there is still a battle going on. The surgery took care of the tumor mass, with negative margins (which means they leave extra space around the tumor with no cancer in it when they took it out.) The chemotherapy will destroy the cancer cells at the systematic level, cells that could be left behind after surgery. Radiation would improve the chances of killing more of those hidden cancer cells. Chemotherapy is systematic. Radiation is localized to one spot. Both are useful and have proven successful at the microscopic level fight cancer cells in the body.

My one hesitation with radiation this young was if I ever get another type of cancer down the line (God forbid), would having radiation hinder me from having that as an option later?

My Breast Specialist said yes, but he recommended we talk to the Radiation Oncologist for more clarity. My Radiation Oncologist said no. The second one is the expert in this field, and the one we need to listen to. The Radiation Oncologist explained that if I have radiation on my upper right quadrant, then if I got cancer in another area separate from that quadrant (like if I got thyroid cancer or something like that), they could still radiate it. There IS a max radiation for life. But he assured me that this 6-week radiation would be worth it in the long run in this particular case. He also explained the side effects, and the schedule regarding radiation. Radiation would also be a month after chemotherapy is over.

The other compelling research that our Radiation Oncologist presented to us, was a real life clinical study that was done at a highly esteemed facility, that specifically looked at women under the age of 35, who have had a double mastectomy, who underwent chemotherapy (basically women just like ME). They studied 200 women of this category, and there were two different levels that they fell in. They based these findings on following the women for 5 years after treatment and documenting recurrence (if the cancer returns).

2A and 2B are stages based on specific traits of the cancer, age, lymphatic involvement, size of tumor, and other defining markers that they look at.

Level 2A:
With NO Radiation, Recurrence was 0%
With Radiation, Recurrence was 0%.
(My Breast Specialist assumed that I was 2A when he told me I didn’t need radiation.)

Level 2B:
With NO Radiation, Recurrence was 44%
With Radiation, Recurrence was 0%

My Radiation Oncologist said that it’s tricky, because I could fall into either 2A or 2B. If I’m a 2A, it really won’t make a difference either way. But if I’m 2B, it would make a HUGE difference.

At the end of the day, it’s MY decision. It’s MY body. But the wrong decision could mean recurrence. This decision needs the utmost consideration, and we may get additional perspective from a second opinion.

The Radiation Oncologist was diligent to explain any rare risks, but most patients just struggle with a few inconveniences and discomforts, but nothing HUGE. The biggest inconveniences are the daily appointments for 6 weeks, the discomfort, and the delay in the timeline for the DIEP flap reconstruction.

If I have to have radiation, it will be okay. Radiation is basically controlled x-rays that hit a specific spot on your skin that go through and attack that spot at the cellular level. It’s kind of like burning the cancer cells from the inside. This Radiation Oncologist has a good track record of almost no burns on his patients, and a regimen of a special lotion that protects and heals the skin to help. There can be dry skin, or a sunburned area or tan in the area of treatment.

I haven’t made the decision yet, but I if I’m honest I don’t want to take the risk of no radiation. Better to air on the side of 2B, rather than hoping it’s 2A, and then the cancer comes back. I don’t want that to happen. I want the BEST case scenario, where the cancer is ABSOLUTELY dead and never returns.

Surgery Recovery

Everything on the surgery recovery front is going well. I am still in constant pain, but the level of pain is lower. The type of pain is kind of different as well. It’s a tight pain instead of a sore pain, which is easier to manage. I’d say a few weeks back, my pain level was around 6-8 on a regular basis. Now it’s more like 4-6 on an average day. It only shoots up to 7 or 8 if I do a lot of physical activities or attempt chores around the house. Moving around IS good for me, and I try to do some regular things around the house to build stamina. It just wears me out.

Derek reminds me all the time when I tell him I’m feeling lazy or cooped up, “Hannah, you ARE working. Your body is doing important work. Healing and recovering takes more out of you than you think.” I NEED to hear that, especially when I’m stir crazy. He’s right. When I attempt normal things, it reminds me of the fact that I’m just not 100% yet, and won’t be for the rest of this season.

Weekly trips to Atlanta to see my plastic surgeon have gone well. I’m “healing beautifully” according to all the doctors. Two weeks ago we began filling the expanders. This was a strange process, and has been VERY uncomfortable at first. Lots of icepacks and rest. This week was the least amount of pain with my fill. All is going great in this area.

I’ve been on my medicine less and less, but only take it when I’m in a lot of pain. One of the hardest parts of this process is not being able to drive myself when I’m on my medicine. I will say I ventured out of the house a lot this week. While the movement of getting in the car and traveling places hurts and brings my pain level up right now, I know that once I start chemotherapy in 2 weeks, I WON’T be able to see people at all. I’m trying to keep my spirits up and go out while I can, even if it hurts temporarily with my surgery recovery. Riding in the car makes me sore, especially going up into Atlanta with the potholes and bumps. I drove my car once this week, which meant I had to be off medicine and be in motion. That was harder than I anticipated. Probably going to stick to riding for awhile longer now.

Driving myself was a little too much physically. I’ll be honest, it really hurt both times. But it was AMAZING for my heart and spirit! I love you all, and you’re doing so well! Keep it up!

Once I start chemotherapy, I will not be able to go out as much as I am now, which isn’t much anyway. As an extravert, this is super discouraging. Hoping to grab some time out of the house before chemotherapy starts. As always, I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. Taking each day, one day at a time. Like Princess Anna says, “Just do the next right thing.” Wise advise. That’s what I’m going to do.

New Appointments coming up

Monday, March 2 – Echocardiogram (Necessary baseline test in preparation for chemotherapy)
Tuesday, March 3 – Regular visit to Plastic Surgeon for Tissue Expander maintenance
Wednesday, March 4 – Follow up with oncologist to continue discussing chemo plans & radiation

CURRENT Prayer Requests:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for Hannah’s emotional health as well as physical. Pray for God’s comfort and presence through anxiety, depression, fear, sadness, grief, anger, and other emotions along the way. Pray for joy in the midst of the storm.
• Pray for continued wisdom on the decision on radiation. We have a lot to consider, but it’s looking like Hannah may have to have radiation after all. Pray for this treatment, if needed, that it will be successful in killing the cancer, and that Hannah will recover quickly.
• Pray for continued healing from surgery and pain management as she recovers. Pray for her body to heal with no infections, for her to regain range of motion in both arms. Pray also for the tissue expanders to continue to be successful.
• Pray for our next meeting with the oncologist, that it would go smoothly, with good information and preparation in the coming days. Pray for decisions we might have to make, and for a good schedule for chemo and possible radiation.
• Pray for Hannah’s chemotherapy, coming in 2 weeks. Pray for the type of chemotherapy to be diagnosed accurately from the oncotype testing. Pray that it will be successful at killing all of the cancer cells. Pray also that Hannah would recover well, and have stamina to make it through this treatment and the side effects it brings.
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family. Pray for the successful delivery of the 6 eggs to the long-term storage facility.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season. Pray for Derek as he fills in/directs the Middle School Choir at church.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Breathing in His Grace, Breathing out His Praise,

Hannah Rock

"Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”  Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”
John 21:18-19

IMPORTANT PRAYER REQUEST:

We got a phone call from my Breast Specialist with the pathology results from my double mastectomy. As we expected, the cancer has NOT spread to the lymph nodes. As we expected, the team got all of the breast tissue out, nothing was left behind. However, the rest of the tumor that they removed was long and narrow and measured 4cm. The tumor board will meet to decide whether the pieces of my tumor put together was more than 5cm or not. (*Update: Wednesday afternoon – Still waiting on a phone call from the tumor board. May hear something tomorrow.)

More than 5cm in tumor size means I WILL have to have radiation.
Less than 5cm in tumor size means I WON’T have to have radiation.

PLEASE PRAY FERVENTLY THAT THE OVERALL TUMOR SIZE IS
LESS THAN 5CM AND THAT I WILL NOT
HAVE TO GO THROUGH RADIATION!

This is a little nerve wracking, because I thought we were out of the woods. But we will have to wait and see. Overall, good news, so I am trying to stay positive. I’ll be honest, I don’t want to go through radiation. As always, however, whatever the outcome, it is well with my soul. God is in control.

Have you ever driven on a foggy night? Through patches of mist, making it hard to see. There is some fear in not knowing where you’re heading. Blurred images in the distance. Headlights become clear as they get close. Don’t turn on your brights! Your lights only let you see about a foot ahead of you. You go slow, cautiously making sure you are going the right direction.

These past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I am driving on a foggy road. My thoughts are clear for awhile, then I slip into a foggy moment. I forget what I was thinking or saying, or have to think to remember what I was trying to accomplish. The exhaustion at this point is indescribable, but I’m going to make it to the other side of this fog into the clear open road eventually. For now, I’m navigating through the mist, taking each mile as far as I can get each day.

I’ve had the chance to give quick updates on Facebook, but I am just now getting to where I can articulate what has been going on the last few weeks.

The first part of my journey was emotional. The second, mental. Now, I’m finally hitting the physical challenges that come with cancer. This is proving to be the most taxing so far, but with God’s grace and a lot of help from many hands and hearts, I’ll get there.

As always, for a summary of updates/what to pray for, scroll to the bottom of the page. I love being free to process this journey through words. Thank you all for your patience with my detailed stories. I have enjoyed writing again, even through current circumstances. For short updates, please feel free to go on to the bottom of the page 🙂

Surgery Recovery

Let me start off by saying that today, almost 2 weeks after my surgery, I GOT MY DRAINS OUT! Now, it’s difficult to describe to everyone what that means. But it makes all the difference in the world. My pain management has been the hardest part of this leg of the journey, and getting the drains out will significantly lower my overall pain level. I am gaining strength with each day, but I’m also trying to pace myself. Small victories, baby steps. Don’t overdo it, Hannah.

My surgery was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. It was my FIRST ever hospital stay. My first MAJOR surgery (my lumpectomy and fertility retrieval were easy, out-patient, and relatively pain-free). One of the worst parts of this experience that was I was NOT ready for the pain. I had assumed, since I’m very young and have never been through anything like this before, and have been VERY healthy all of my life, that the pain medicine would take away all the pain.
NOT TRUE.

I had been so focused on the mental strain of actually planning the details of the surgery, getting to the surgery date, and setting up everything for recovery, that I did not prepare myself for what it would actually FEEL like to go through this kind of surgery. (THANK GOD I didn’t go through the FULL MD and DIEP!) I should’ve BRACED myself for the pain, but I didn’t. Had I to do it over again, I would have been more diligent to understand the importance of pain management after major surgery, and how to communicate with the nurses on call, and realize that the medicine only makes the pain BEARABLE. I have a very low tolerance and threshold for pain, and I don’t like to show when I’m hurting or complain about pain, so this was really rough on my body and my spirit. But going through that excruciating pain, and the difficult days to follow, is now part of my story. This hardship has shown me a grace that the Lord and others have had in getting me through it. I’m so glad that I’m through the worst of it. Like everything else, this too shall pass.

DAY 1:
Before this picture, I had been stuck in the bed, unable to lift my arms at all. I was originally supposed to stay 1 night in the hospital. I couldn’t even hold my bottle of Gatorade for more than a few seconds with a straw to drink. I couldn’t use my arms for anything. I couldn’t push my hands down on the bed to sit up. I had to learn to use my leg strength to accomplish what used to be simple movements. The first night was alright, but my body was still on anesthesia and additional pain medicine that was prescribed to me.

DAY 2:
The second day was the worst. Right before we were trying to decide if I should go home, the medicine wore off, and I was in excruciating pain. One of my nurses was young and inexperienced, and allowed me to go without part of my necessary pain medicine. I spiraled into pain that I never should have experienced. I was blindsided by excruciating pain which I can’t even begin to describe.

They tell you when you are recovering from major surgery to “stay ahead of the pain.” If you stay true to the medicine schedule that is prescribed, you should be able to manage the pain. But if you allow pain to get out of control, it is difficult to bring you back to normal and manage pain.

Thanks to some wise advice, I decided to spend another night in the hospital to get my pain back under control. My aunt, who is an experienced nurse came and spent the day with me! She was an angel and helped us know how to navigate the situation.

They shifted off nurses to more experienced nurses that knew how to keep me on schedule with my medicine. In the end, it was the BEST decision to stay one extra night. Derek waited patiently with me, sleeping by my side on a cot, and was so encouraging with every step. We had other friends and family that stayed with us along the way, and I am SO thankful for ALL of you. I was beyond out of it, and weary in the fight of my life, but I knew you were there and it helped so much.

DAY 3:
Finally we tried again the next day after lots of sleep. I decided to try to walk, even though every small movement hurt. I got out of bed carefully, and Derek helped me on my lap around the hospital floor. It took a long time, and each step felt like I might tip over. Derek spotted me the whole time, and I had my hospital bar to lean on. Each small step was one step closer to going home. It shocked me how hard it was to do simple things, like walking, lifting a drink to my mouth, going to the bathroom, etc.

GOING HOME – THE FIRST FEW DAYS
I completely overestimated my energy on the first day home. My caretakers helped me follow a strict medicine schedule, but again, I was in more pain than I had expected. It scared me because I had been brought down from a 9-10 pain scale, to like a 7-8 pain scale. Ordinary tasks became mountains, and suddenly I was at the bottom, staring at the daunting climb ahead of me. Friends came by to help, and my mom was incredible as I hit the lowest lows following the hospital. I was constantly in pain, even though the medicine helped to counter it, and ice packs honestly were really my only relief other than sleep. On coming home, I tried to do more than I should and ended up getting very sick. I threw up, my body was still purging from anesthesia and all the medicines. My colon was not adjusting well, which was painful, even when I was taking steps to get things going.

I had a moment in the worst of it where I started having a panic attack and shaking from fear, I had a low grade fever and I was being checked on constantly. In that panic, I quoted over and over this verse OUT LOUD:

“I can do all things through Him who gives me strength Philippians 4:13“

I kid you not, as I spoke the Word out loud, my whole body calmed down. My fever broke. And my shaking/panic shivers stopped. I could feel the Holy Spirit of Jesus washing over me, giving me a moment of peace in the thick of it. The Word of God is powerful.

LIMITS
Those of you that know me well know how independent and stubborn I am. I was able to delegate my vocational work, which drove me crazy because I want to work hard and pour into students and ministries, but now I know it was absolutely necessary. It’s making sense, because I’ve had to delegate normal, daily activities, to even be able to function, and receive help doing the most basic things.

I couldn’t lift my arms to put my hair in a bun. I couldn’t reach the faucet handles to wash my hands. I needed help sitting up in bed at times. I couldn’t wash my own hair or bathe without assistance. Honestly, I couldn’t bathe that first week, which is gross and made things even more miserable. I sometimes needed help getting to the bathroom. I couldn’t put on my own socks. I couldn’t bend over if something dropped. There were so many other small but big things. It was a major shock to be so limited so quickly.

Depending on others is a humbling experience. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Acts of service is my husband’s love language. It’s hard for me to not feel guilty when others do things for me. I am still thankful. But it’s a struggle. I want to be independent. I’m frustrated when I can’t do things myself. I’m learning to accept help from others, even in small things.

I have had great help and accountability when it comes to taking my medicine. At the hospital, they use a white board to write down the times for the medicine that the patient takes, so we set up our own white board at home. Derek has had a running list, and we are on schedule. I’m excited to be weaning off of the major medicines. I really don’t like taking them. But I’m thankful for the pain medicine and muscle relaxer medicine, as I genuinely need them to help with the pain. The biggest surprise is that the pain never actually goes away. Like I said before, I assumed that the pain medicine would completely take away my pain. Wrong. It merely softens the blow. I’m always in pain. I’ve come to accept that I will be until my body heals.

One of the biggest lessons the Lord is teaching me is dependence on Him and the Body of Christ. He’s using others to show me what to be thankful for, to show me His Hands and Feet, and to provide our needs even when I’m down for the count. I’m thankful for you all, truly. Below is a FEW pictures we captured from the first days home.

LATER IN THE WEEK
We finally found our rhythm and I even figured out how to get some sleep. Watching marathons on Disneyplus, while keeping my medicine schedule and icing the sore areas. I’ve had good days and bad days. But each person has been gracious and helpful, even while I’ve been adjusting to the new normal. Each day builds stamina, in small victories, using the restroom being a big victory. I’m very swollen under my right armpit where they took 2 lymph nodes, in addition to the pain from the mastectomy and tissue expander. The swollen place from lymph nodes meant I can’t use my dominant arm. I’ve had to figure out how to use my left hand to accomplish tasks, which is weird. I’m learning to succeed at small tasks that require unusual amounts of energy than I used to. I washed my own hair yesterday (it took a while and major patience to do it successfully), but I’m getting there day by day.

I had 4 drains, 2 on each side. Three times a day we had to take care of my drains and keep a log. They were very uncomfortable and annoying. I felt like Doc Oc from Spider-Man. I had to sleep on my back, and we became experts at pillow placement. I’m usually a side-sleeper, so it has been killing my back to sleep like this. Thank God for icepacks. Each day I drained a little less. 1 week later, which felt like an eternity, I got 2 out of 4 drains out. Today, I got the other 2 out. It was painful getting them out, but a relief to finally feel human again.

During an afternoon of clarity in between naps, I decided to go wig shopping online. It was really fun! I had a gift card for Amazon, and I was super excited to explore my options for wigs online. I love my hair, and the opportunity to try different styles is actually really fun. I’m not allowing myself to cry over the loss of my hair yet, even though I know it’s inevitable. There’s too many other cares to worry about right now. But even so, I let myself have fun shopping for wigs. I found some fun synthetic wigs on Amazon for a great deal, a chance to try some things out before things get too emotional with my appearance. I’d rather try them now then have it be harder later. I also know there are other options I could try, but for now this is the style I’m going for.

As I recover, I’ve had moments where I’m doing okay, and I’m able to sit propped up on pillows and watch TV. In the good moments, I get a little stir crazy and miss seeing the people I love at work, church, or friends. But those moments fade into the fog of feeling in pain, exhausted, or I feel sleepy from medicine and not up for anything other than resting. I’m doing my best to not push myself too quickly, and to listen to my body as I depend on others to help me. It’s hard to need help for normal things, cause I want to be normal. It’s a reality check.

If I don’t come to the door or answer the phone immediately, it may be one of those harder moments, where I’m not doing to well. Please know I love you all, and appreciate so much you reaching out to me. Knowing that I have so much love from you all helps to remind me of how God is working in all of this, and that I’m not alone. I’m still amazed that cards, gifts, and packages continue to arrive from friends and family. I love the text messages and Facebook messages that continue to lovingly fill my inbox. We’ve had fantastic meals being brought from our church family and friends through MealTrain. Thank you so much for your love, your help, and your prayers! I hope to respond to you all in time, but please be patient with me during this time. It’s been rough y’all.

God Moving, Even in the Fog

We have seen amazing miracles in spite of the challenges we have faced the past 2 weeks (why is it always two weeks lol). God’s provision continues to grow our faith, and we have watched Him take care of our needs in remarkable ways.

There are many God stories, but one of my favorites is a fellow pink sister of mine, I’ll call her G. She actually was just going about her everyday life, and had mentioned to Derek that she was reading my blog. He shared our journey, and she was super encouraging. A week later she found out that she had cancer. Through a series of circumstances, she was able to get connected to the SAME doctors that I have seen, and is going through treatment very quickly! She even met with these doctors on the day of my surgery!

God is using my story, (really His story) and the stories of many other of my pink sisters, to encourage her in this time. We are praying for your G, may God richly bless you, guide you, and bring you to complete healing and provision, just as He is proving faithful in my own journey. He is faithful! He is present! He sees you and knows each fear, each doctor visit, each pain, and each grief. He holds your tears in his hands, and holds your future. Lord, bless her. She is a blessing to us!

Upcoming Appointments:

We have four events/appointments coming up:
Tomorrow, Wednesday February 12th – Phone call from Tumor Board determining radiation or not
Friday, February 14th – Follow up with the Breast Specialist (Valentine’s date to follow this appointment <3)
Tuesday, February 18th – Follow up with plastic surgeon for continued care with tissue expanders
Wednesday, February 19th – Follow up with my oncologist, first time seeing cancer doctor since fertility treatments and since double mastectomy surgery. We will most likely discuss our schedule for chemo, and any other details.

I’m very blessed next week in that Derek is on Winter Break at school! I’m looking forward to having him go with me to these appointments. I’m also excited just to spend time with him in general. I have the best husband in the world. I love you Derek!

Prayer Needs:

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray EARNESTLY that the Tumor Board will decide that Hannah’s total tumor size is LESS THAN 5CM and that she will NOT have to go through radiation!!
• Praise God that Hannah got ALL of her drains out! Pray for continued healing and pain management as she recovers. Pray for her body to heal with no infections, for her to regain range of motion in both arms.
• Pray for daily small victories, that Hannah would have the wisdom to know when to get up and move around, and when to rest. Pray that she would make steady progress daily as she recovers.
• Pray for pink sisters who are reading this blog, especially our friend G, for healing and God’s presence in their lives! Jesus loves you!
• Pray for Derek’s Winter Break, that we would be able to check off appointments and tasks easily and effectively. But also for Derek to get rest and rejuvenate, and have time to gain what he needs to recharge.
• Pray for good sleep at night in general.
• Pray for the tissue expansion process to go quickly and easily, and with manageable pain.
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family. Pray for the successful delivery of the 6 eggs to the long-term storage facility.
• Pray for our follow up with the Breast Specialist, for no surprises, a good report, good and helpful information, and no issues.
• Pray for our meeting with the oncologist, that it would go smoothly, with good information and preparation in the coming days. Pray for decisions we might have to make, and for a good schedule for chemo.
• Pray for the chemo process which will follow the surgery recovery time, so coming soon.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for continued provision. Pray for wisdom and clarity as we continue to pay medical expenses, and manage finances effectively.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season. Pray for Derek as he fills in/directs the Middle School Choir at church.
• Pray that Hannah would remember to put her identity in Jesus Christ and His Word, instead of being defined by a change in her body or appearance. Pray for joy in the Lord.
• Pray for all the doctors, teams, and caretakers involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Persevering, One step at a time,

Hannah Rock

This blog was written on January 30th in the morning at the hospital. Later that day, Hannah got really sick and was unable to finish. More updates on how she is doing at home to be posted later.

1/30/2020 UPDATE: YOU PRAYED, GOD ANSWERED

I HAD MY SURGERY!
And it went very well. Derek and I stayed at the hospital last night,
and we are hoping to go home today
for the rest of my recovery.
It was a double mastectomy with temporary spacers.
The DIEP surgery will come later.
I am so incredibly pleased with my decision!
My lymph nodes CAME BACK COMPLETELY CLEAR! ANSWERED PRAYERS!
That means NO radiation, only chemo for treatment!
To God be the glory, great things HE has done!!!!

As always, I am enjoying writing about every moment because we can look back and see how God is working! If you want more summarized specifics on how to pray for us, feel free to
scroll to the bottom of the page.

Benefit Concert from January 25th
Plus Video/Donation link

We were SO blessed last Saturday to participate in the Benefit Concert. Thanks to Jessica for putting the pieces together and helping tremendously. We had attempted to Live Stream, but the internet crashed at UGBC. Thanks to Jessica’s husband Bryan for working tirelessly on getting our video to work. So here is the video for the concert, and the link to the Online donation:

If you were not able to attend, but would like to give a love offering, we have an online link below. Or if you would like to write a check and mail to GSquared, please use the information below. All donations will be put in the GSquared Benefit account for Hannah Rock fund, to be used to cover medical expenses, gas, food, etc. as we continue this fight against cancer. Here is the Concert Video link & GSquared mailing address:

Online donations can be made at: 
https://checkout.square.site/buy/Y3IIXIRCA2LBLNYGAJQCDK3S

All check donations must be made to “GSquared Ministry”, with “Hannah Rock” in the memo.
Donations can be mailed to:
GSquared Ministries
PO Box 2223
McDonough Ga 30253

If you would like to order a “Rock Pink For Hannah” T-shirt, please follow the information below:

The LORD’S ARMY – The great many helpers!

“So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset….Moses built an altar and called it The Lord is my Banner.” Exodus 17

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for reading my story. You have encouraged us in a great variety of ways. We feel very loved, even when we are overwhelmed. You have done so much listed below, and MORE! Thank you for showing us the hands and feet of Jesus, and speaking life into us. We do not feel alone because you have showered us with love and support!

THANK YOU!!!

• TO All of you who are praying for us! We FEEL your prayers every day!
• TO All for kind texts and messages, I have received them all, even though I haven’t been able to answer every single person at this time, please know you are cherished and your words mean so much to me! I’m doing my best to answer each of you, but thank you for your understanding as well.
• TO ALL who have listened and given advice to me and Derek, as we carry these burdens.
• TO ALL who have sent Uplifting Cards, students’ creative drawings, and sweet gifts, fuzzy blankets, donations, and more.
• TO ALL of the pink sisters who have shared their stories and mentored me with their own personal experiences. Thank you for your vulnerable trust and transparency with me about what to expect and how to prepare. Especially Mrs. Marilyn, God used you to bring me to the BEST doctors. Pink sisters, you all give me hope, remind me of Jesus’ love, and you are all beautiful inside and out!
• To Derek’s sister Rachel for sending love to us in sweet gifts and EVEN Grammy’s cookies ❤ They were the BEST!
• TO Mom for coming down and Dad for coming down with her to be with us on the day of surgery at the hospital! We were so surprised and happy to see you! Thank you for taking off of work to be there for us. We love you!
• TO Derek’s Mom & Dad, and my Mommy, Daddy, and Josh, Amy, Brandi, Amanda, helping us clean our house and do our laundry! And others too!
• TO Mommy and Daddy, Mom and Dad, and Rachel helping us cut through red tape, fighting with the insurance company.
• TO Extended family on both sides, who have reached out to us, loved on us, and mailed packages of goodies. 🙂
• TO ALL who have been calling to pray with us, hug us, and love on us, even though I haven’t been able to answer every single person at this time, please know you are cherished and your words mean so much to me! I’m doing my best to answer each of you, but thank you for your understanding as well.
• TO each one of you who has volunteered at the schools (for me and Derek too) to help cover classes, and FBCJ volunteering to help work with the youth choir ministry. To Ashton for assisting me in gathering info and making final decisions for the Youth Choir Tour! YAY! Also for your many timely sweet letters, Ashton. I love you!
• TO Alex for creating a Spotify music playlist when I NEEDED worship songs. Thank you for reminding/inspiring me to keep singing and keep worshiping, even on the darkest days.
• TO my Summit Conyers family, for your flexibility and to Jill, Christa, Michelle, Megan, Bethany, Jessica, Cathi, Stacy, MANY other parent assistants, and to my Summit Lawrenceville folks for your precious cards, candy, gift cards, and donations and encouraging words. Thank you Chef Teresa for you gorgeous smile and cooking food for me during classes. Thank you Carrie for coordinating and for meeting me to talk and pray when you brought the gifts down. Thank you to Christa for calming me down and giving me sweet hugs and encouragement. Thank you to all the RBC staff (Lisa, Ron, Terri, Moncre, Billy, Daniel, and more) who have had uplifting conversations and smiles with me. Love to you all!
• TO our precious neighbors, the Stephensons for stopping by to feed Mo the cat and ALL of our amazing goodies you gave us.
• TO MJ and Jessica for opening your home to us to stay 15 minutes from the hospital the night before surgery. It made all the difference in the world. We love y’all!
• TO Jessica Hembree prepping, coordinating the benefit concert, to Bryan for working so hard on filming and uploading the video when the internet was down. And for Pastor Lance Wade and UGBC for hosting us last Saturday!
• TO Tracey, and to Matt and his kids from Eagle’s Landing Baptist, (Thank you Matt for the hilarious trash can band surprise, and for participating in the concert on your birthday.) to Brandi and the Union Grove Baptist Church Youth Band, to Deborah for the emotional and encouraging ballet dance, to Ashton and Patrick for your amazing songs, to Derek for helping me to also perform, to Les for loving on us and helping with tech, and to Anna Grace for your baking cupcakes and more for the Benefit Concert (Everything was PINK! I love it),
• TO Pam and Jessica for your creativity in making those AWESOME t-shirts!
• TO our awesome FBCJ Sunday School class for coming over to do yard work and other house projects. And to Kasey for figuring out LIVESTREAM for Sundays. Now when I can’t make it to church when I’m in recovery, I can still go to Sunday School and church on my laptop!!! So excited!
• TO our ELCA family, for administration, for fellow teachers/subs, for the ELCA fine arts patrons, parents, and students for supporting us!
• TO my brother Josh for coming home from FAR AWAY at his job so often to spend time with us, and make us laugh and smile!
• TO Worship Pastor Scott (Thank you for praying over me right before I went back for surgery!), Pastor Steve (you totally surprised me, Spock!), Worship Pastor Ron (You are awesome for coming, it meant a lot to Derek and me!), Brandi (*sings* BO CHILD, things are gonna get easier!) Alex (Girl!!, you surprised me), Jodi (totally did not expect to see you, and it was an absolute JOY! I’m truly BLESSED! I love you a bushel and a peck) and Aunt Renee (You are a superhero! I love you) for stopping by the hospital to love on us, along with our parents. To all others who couldn’t make it to the hospital, I love you also!!!
• TO Aunt Renee for staying at the hospital with me, and helping us talk to nurses, and navigate our immediate needs with staying an additional night in the hospital. Thank you for advocating for me with the staff. Derek and I were relieved to have you there! Also, thank you to Nadine for coming by from the NICU and the sweet flowers. You are both angels!

Prayer Needs 

• Praise God for CLEAR LYMPH NODES! A MIRACULOUS ANSWER TO PRAYER!!!
• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray that God would abundantly bless each person who has helped us and given of themselves in so many ways to make the journey bearable. Pray for contentment and for good stewardship of these gifts. May the Lord bless you and keep you ALL!
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. God has been faithful, and we are so grateful to watch Him at work. We are not out of the woods yet, but we are taking it a step at a time.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to continue to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season. 
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family.
• Praise God for a successful Double Mastectomy with spacer surgery, with delayed DIEP flap surgery to come later after chemo.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery after surgery this month (3-4 weeks). For no complications, for healing and a good report. Pray for Hannah’s pain management, healing, and rest as she recovers.
• Pray that Hannah would remember to put her identity in Jesus Christ and His Word, instead of being defined by a change in her body or appearance. Pray for contentment and joy in the Lord.
• PRAISE GOD for NO radiation treatment necessary so far. Still pray for the chemo process which will begin immediately following the surgery recovery time (3-4 weeks).
• Pray for the pathology report on the rest of the breast cells that were taken out. Pray for nothing surprising, a good old boring repetition of what we already know, and no hiccups.
• Pray for songs to fill Hannah’s mind with beautiful, truthful lyrics that keep her mind fixed on Jesus.
• Pray for Hannah’s sleep and medicine schedule to stay ahead of the pain.
• Pray for Hannah’s pain levels to remain low, and to lower over time.
• Pray that Hannah will be able to get her drains removed at the first follow up with no complications.
• Pray for all the doctors and teams involved in this process.
• Pray for all of the caretakers, who are wonderful, and helping in so many ways. For endurance and encouragement for them, and for the shifts to go smoothly, and God to bless them as they care for Hannah and Derek.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Finally, we got some answers!

Hannah Rock

#1. Benefit Concert on Saturday, January 25th at 7pm

We are hosting a benefit concert this Saturday, and you’re invited!
BENEFIT CONCERT is TOMORROW at 7:00pm! 
Donations can continue to be mailed or sent online any time.
Shirt orders can continue to be made after the concert as well. 

In November 2019 (one day after her 29th birthday) Hannah Rock received the news that she had breast cancer. In January 2020 she will have a double mastectomy surgery. That will be followed by about 6 months of chemotherapy. A reconstruction surgery will happen after chemo is finished. There are many costs that are not covered by insurance. Your donation will help Hannah with her cancer costs. Thanks for your generosity! (GSquared Ministries operates under the IRS 501c3 guidelines for non-profits)

All donation checks can be made to “GSquared Ministry”, with “Hannah Rock” in the memo.
Donations can be mailed to:
GSquared Ministries
PO Box 2223
McDonough Ga 30253

Online Giving – Cancer Treatment Donations for Hannah Rock Link: https://checkout.square.site/buy/Y3IIXIRCA2LBLNYGAJQCDK3S?fbclid=IwAR3ZpLslrWj4AR2MJbVjdVKyGM3tQxI6ylj0JrWZwBOr3Uj3Mj9gLGStMDs

Benefit Concert Event Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/850001585440466/
Please consider joining us this Saturday to show your support! 
The event video will also be posted online, for those who are unable to attend.

#2. T-Shirt Fundraiser: “Rock Pink for Hannah”

We currently have a shirt fundraiser going! Place your fundraiser shirt order by contacting Pam Martin of Martin Made(email and phone on image included) with your contact info, shirt color choice, and size.

Thank you and God Bless!

Jessica

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed....Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18 (emphasis added)

PRAISE THE LORD FOR A NEW SURGERY DATE: JANUARY 29TH AT 8:00AM!

“Grapes must be crushed to make wine. Diamonds form under pressure. Seeds grow in darkness. Whenever you feel pressure, pressed or in darkness, you’re in a powerful place of transformation. Trust the process. Trust God.”
– Note from a sweet friend on Facebook.

For the prayer list, and current updates on my journey, please scroll. Thank you all so much for reading, praying, and encouraging. Your thoughts and prayers are making a daily difference in our lives.

Short story – When Pressed

What are you storing up in your heart? When life presses you, rest assured, it will come out.

Pressed on every side. Yep. That pretty much sums up the last two months.

When I started this journey, a dear pink sister, who has walked this path ahead of me, sat me down and we faced reality together. She was kind and gentle, but direct.
“You are about to start one of the hardest journeys of your life. It will demand every ounce of your energy, and every amount of your faith. You will know God in a way you have never known Him before. You will learn about your vanity, and that you are so much more than your appearance. It will strip away what doesn’t really matter, and leave behind that which truly matters. It will give you perspective like you never had before. And when it is over, and you reach the end of this, you will be able to touch others who are walking the same journey in a way few others can.“

If you had told me on my birthday, (one day before my diagnosis,) that I would be walking into the buildings I’ve been walking through, taking the medicines I’m taking, having the conversations I’m having, and making the plans we’re making, I would have laughed at you. No way! There’s no way I’m going to have to pursue IVF, I’m young, happily married, and about to start having kids. There’s no way I need a plastic surgeon! That’s for others and their needs/wants. There’s no way I will ever need chemo and lose all my hair, it won’t be me. Others will walk that road, but not me.

Never say never.

When I got the call that changed my life, I was in denial. You must be mistaken. I’m 29. This can’t happen. That’s not me. Your records are wrong. Surely you’ve got the wrong number. I’m too young. I’ve got plans. I’ve got life to live.

Reality was harsh and cold, through the apologetic words of the nurse, who had to make the phone call. It wasn’t her fault. The truth was that yes, despite what I tried to block out as misinformation, the truth remains. I have cancer.

Every step after that has been difficult. The first wave of reality was fighting denial and the shock of what we had just learned.

I went bitterly to my first few appointments. I don’t belong here. I thought. But there I was. I learned the terrifying news of surgery, and that I had to make a fast decision on what they should do to my body to cut the cancer out. “Which surgery do you want?” They would ask me. I don’t want any of them. I thought. But I still had to choose.

We walked through Christmas. Many tears and heartache. We told our friends and family, and our church family. Once God’s people began praying, God’s tangible presence was evident, and we began to find small things to be thankful for. We started seeing the Holy Spirit moving in our finances and relationships. We watched God work as we went to appointments. Emmanuel, He was with us.

We went to see the oncologist, and yes. I couldn’t hide from the truth. Malignant tumor. Margins. Cold hard facts. I either had to keep hiding while darkness grew, or buck up and learn everything I could about my cancer, so I could fight my enemy. My oncologist told us that we needed to hurry and get over to the fertility clinic as soon as possible. Chemo is necessary to fight this enemy, which means it will cause us to struggle in this area.

Overwhelmed, we walked into the fertility clinic. I saw other women with the same look of despair on their faces, sitting in the waiting room. My heart broke for them. I knew without any words how we all longed for the same thing, just by sitting in that room together, waiting. And yet, meeting with the doctors, going to those appointments, having to give myself daily shots, and watching my blood work and ultrasounds, we saw the wonders of modern technology, and God’s provision for us to prepare for our next steps.

We found out that the surgery, the one I didn’t want, but had to have, was put on hold due to a denial with our insurance for the plastic surgeon. Thrown into fear again, after having to make impossible decisions, now we had to go through the whole process again. It was beyond frustrating. Regardless, we had the most amazing help from all sides in getting as much information as possible. We explored our options with utmost urgency. Consultation after consultation, I weighed my options, while still juggling fertility treatments and driving to the north side of Atlanta every day. Fighting panic at times, just get it out! I feel like a ticking time bomb. It’s hard to rest while the cancer is still in my body.

BUT the BEST decisions needed to be made, and the medical professionals had told me that I had a few weeks window where it was safe to decide. Still, restlessness remained.

Exhaustion hit, and Derek and I had done all we could to make the best decisions. We hit a wall, where we were waiting on the doctors to let us know availability.

Enter the scene, a mundane normal life activity. Praise the Lord for normalcy! It’s amazing how a crisis can make you thankful for the ordinary and routine.

I finally got a moment to go to the grocery store. I had to pick up a prescription for my fertility treatment. The quiet of the afternoon was a rare blessing, one that I had taken for granted numerous times. My phone was dead, (that never happens….haha just kidding) so I took advantage of the moment, taking time to pick out our food for the week.

I wandered into the line behind an older lady. She was about as fast as a moped in the fast lane on I-75. Normally I would complain to myself or feel annoyed that it was taking so long, but honestly I was just tired. I’d either be tired in line or tired at home, so I may as well be patient and have a good attitude. She pulled each item out of her basket, and I noticed another older gentleman, (we’ll call him Mr. L) behind me who tried to pass me. At first I thought he was cutting in line, until he spoke to the older lady, “Excuse me miss, do you need help with that?”

The older lady cut eyes at him and spat out a sassy comment about having two broke shoulders, but that she didn’t need any help. He conceded to her request and walked back to his place in line. I smirked as she checked out. Mr. L appeared to be retired, and was one of those cheeky, fun types who might be up for a good, silly exchange of words.

Mr. L noticed me and said, “Independent women, huh?” I chuckled with him and said, “You remind me of my husband. He has to put up with a strong, independent woman too. Me.” I said smiling at the gentleman. He grinned from ear to ear, and shrugged his shoulders, “Just trying to help.”

The lady finished her transaction, and moved ahead with her purchases. I pushed my basket forward and turned to say hello to the clerk. When I turned back, the older gentleman leaned down and began carefully picking up every item out of my basket, and placing them on the conveyer belt. Once he was finished with the upper basket, he lowered himself to the floor to get the meat and Diet Coke off the bottom of my cart. I realized that this man had a servant’s heart. This will be Derek as an old man, I thought, Sweet, fun, and always willing to help anyone.

Tears welled up in my eyes. This man did not know my story. He did not know that I barely had energy to be standing in the grocery store. He did not know that I had exceeded my energy to get the groceries IN the cart. He didn’t know I had cancer. He was simply being kind.

I wept as he put the items at check out, and thanked him over and over again. I told him he reminded me of my husband. Because I was crying so much, I explained my situation, that I had cancer and that he had just made my day, and asked him a little about his story.

He said his name was Mr. L, and that his first wife had had brain tumors. He walked with her for six months, until she passed away and went to be with the Lord. He said, “I have since remarried, but she’ll always be in here.” He pointed to his heart. “She was my first love, and I’ll always love her.”

More tears! How the Lord has blessed me with my own husband, and we have hope for the future, as we fight our fight, a different story. But this man, Mr. L had walked through so much and was still serving other people, after all he had been through. Life had pressed him. Love came out.

I’m convicted that I need to daily be checking my heart. I need to be sure that I’m fixed on things that matter. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Am I walking worthy of the calling I’ve received? Am I seeking God like I should? How can I love others better? When pressed, what will come out of my life?

Mr. L reminded me that Jesus Christ is the one way to salvage true purpose out of all of this. God came down from His Throne to love us, unworthy and unclean. We need His grace and His mercy to be set free. All we have to do is repent and believe, and He saves! Physical trials are temporary, but our spiritual need for eternal life in Jesus lasts forever.

God can heal me of cancer, but my greatest need is to know Him. I could lose this fight, and win forever because I know Jesus. Or God may heal me, and I may know Him better through the trials. Biblical perspective is everything. My salvation in Him gives true hope. Jesus died on the cross, was buried, and rose again for US! To save us from our sins, and give us eternal life! I am reminded of the humility of Jesus in Philippians 2:3-11.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
 rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:3-11

CURRENT UPDATES

Surgery

The biggest news today is my new Surgery Date: January 29th at 8:00am!!!

In my last post, I explained our possible options. As we investigated alternatives, I learned more and more about what my surgery was and all that it entailed for my overall health. As I consulted with 2 options for IN NETWORK surgery, one thing became clear: God’s sovereign hand directed me away from a surgery I didn’t need to have all at once. The decline of our insurance was actually a blessing. Sometimes, God’s “no” is His protection.

In our consultations, I asked important questions that led me to more information about the original surgery. As the research and data was laid before me, it was clear that there was NO WAY I would move forward with original surgery with the information I had attained. Instead of pursuing an ALL-IN-ONE surgery, mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap, I learned about a process known as delayed reconstruction.

Delayed reconstruction is actually a very normal process in this case, and very rarely does anyone have an immediate DIEP. It would still be 2 surgeries, just not done simultaneously like we had planned. The healing process is less harsh on the body. The recovery time is faster, so I would get to chemo faster, like my oncologist recommended. The doctors who are available are in network. The benefits far outweigh the costs when compared to an immediate DIEP, for a myriad of reasons.

Delayed reconstruction is just that, a reconstructive surgery that is done in a delayed fashion. The mastectomy is done first, with a temporary spacer. The patient goes through necessary cancer treatments (chemo and/or radiation as needed). Then at the end of the process, the DIEP surgery is done, with some cosmetic finishes.

Both of the options we consulted provided this approach to surgery. The backup option was good, but not great. They would provide the surgery I needed, just not in the timeframe we needed. Backup doctor’s schedule wasn’t compatible with Dr. W for the 20th, and they had no openings near the window of dates we desired. They would require a later date, and the clock was ticking.

The best option was a new hospital in the city, recommended by my pink sister, who went through the same Delayed Recon surgery with the same teams. She also had a family member who ALSO walked through this same surgery with that same team. We had 2 personal testimonies of how the Best Doctors were the best, and what they could do for me.

We met with the first half of the team, the plastic surgeon, and discussed the DIEP part of the surgery, to be done at the end of the process. The pictures were ASTOUNDING. They are one of the oldest practices that does this procedure. There was NO comparison between the offices of the first and this office. Hands down, the best decision.

Later the next week, we were able to consult with the second half of the team, the breast specialist. Their team was SO compassionate. They cried with me, and we discussed facts and figures. We went through my chart from start to finish, and they answered every question we had. They even did a small ultrasound of my cancer to view what is going on, explaining the effects of my lumpectomy in November, how my body was recovering, and more. I had thoroughly researched my options at that point, and the doctor was even more helpful in confirming medical facts and reassured me on my knowledge of what was right.

The doctor explained that my fertility treatments wouldn’t harm my outcome over such a short time, and even gave me peace of mind about fears I had. He was impressed with my research and encouraged me for facing this head-on. He drew pictures and walked slowly through each part of my cancer type, the size, the lumpectomy effects, imaging I had had, and what the next steps were to be. I was SUCH at peace with this specialist that I decided to go ahead and sign consent forms that very day! HOW SOON CAN YOU BOOK US?

It was less than 24 hours after our consultation, I received a phone call from the Best Doctors’ nurse, “We have you scheduled for the 29th at 8:00am.” My heart leapt out of my chest! God had protected me from settling for an unhealthy option for surgery, and He had provided a date in January! Hallelujah!

Fertility

Wow. What can I say except that again, like countless other moments in my life, because He is faithful, God provides.

2 1/2 weeks. The longest 2 1/2 weeks ever. We sat down in the fertility clinic, expecting to talk to someone about our options. By the end of the conversation, they told us “If you’re going to do this before surgery, you HAVE to start TODAY.” PRESSED for time. We didn’t have time to think, and God provided what we needed to get started through the blessings of others.

We discussed with somberness, the reality we were facing in regards to fertility after chemo. It all was hitting home again. Stupid cancer, coming in and setting up its ugly offense against my hopes and dreams. Okay, two can play at that game. I’m done shedding tears. I’m ready to fight back, and I have a lot of people praying us up. Okay, well, most days. Some days I do lay on the floor and cry in fear. But as soon as the tears stop, I’m back on the defense again with this resolve to fight again. It comes and goes…(waves, anyone?)

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Nightly injections. I had never given myself a shot. What? I hate needles. You’re kidding me?!

A dear friend of mine came to sit with me while I administered my medicine, and we sang songs of God’s faithfulness through my pain. We sang the fear away. Way Maker. Miracle Worker. Promise Keeper. Light in the Darkness. My God, that is WHO YOU ARE. Look up child. Jesus draw me ever nearer, as I labor through the storm. I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again. You made a way, when there was no way. I raise a Hallelujah in the middle of the mystery….Perhaps our worship songs would one day become lullabies for my children in the future, Oh please, Lord, your will be done.

Derek and I fought panic as we worked with the medicine, and killed ourselves calling the right people to get the right medicine at the right time. We had to time deliveries and pharmacy pick-ups perfectly. Miss one dose, you mess everything up. No pressure. As we waited on our grant applications to be approved, we had a few moments where we had to get help from the clinic on getting the doses on time. Major stress. But we did it!

Morning drives up to the north side of Atlanta. I’ll tell you what, I have a new respect for all of y’all who commute into ATL for work. I’d never be able to do that on a regular basis. Praise the Lord for the HOV lane! Most of my appointments were at 7:45 in the morning, meaning we had to leave before the crack of dawn. We even had appointments on Sundays, due to the timing. Fertility treatment is all about timing.

My nerves were in knots as we watched my blood level results come back, and we went in to have ultrasounds. It was intense, yet amazing to watch. When we started, they said, “Now you have one that is awake, and one that is not awake, so don’t expect the other side to wake up. Normally, cancer patients don’t see progress on both sides.” We went from a minimal number on one side, to BOTH sides waking up and being FULL! The nurses charted their data, and I remember one of them (I’ll call her Nurse M) taking my hands on a very positive day. Nurse M looked me in the eye, “I had breast cancer when I was 30,” Tears fell from her eyes, “It was terrible, but I made it through. Your treatment is going to work, and you will be just fine.”

We watched and counted the number of successes as the numbers fluctuated. The highs were high, but they didn’t stay high. Each day was a nail biter. But eventually, they stayed high, and our hopes followed them. I prayed the prayer of Hannah in 1 Samuel. Ironic, really.

It was all about timing. I was basically on standby, waiting for the call to action that would set into motion what needed to happen for the retrieval. We got the call a day or so before it was time for action. They called, Sunday’s the day! I went through pre-op and we did my LAST 2 shots. The last 2 were the most painful of course, but I kept singing. Lord, distract me from the hurt!

Praise the Lord that the youth choir students were on a winter retreat. No rehearsal to worry about. Of course, God’s timing would be perfect! He had already cleared my schedule for the retrieval.

Derek and I prayed together and I went back for retrieval. The doctors and nurses were kind and graceful as they gave me everything I needed. I woke up from the perfect nap. “You’re all done, Hannah. They got 7. We’ll have to wait on the final results, but it’s lucky number 7!” Derek’s sweet voice was music to me before I even opened my eyes.

Today, I am recovering well. I’ve slept a lot and ate great food, as I try to bounce back from retrieval. We received a phone call from the Fertility Clinic: 6/7 WERE RETRIEVED SUCCESSFULLY! This is WAY more than we anticipated! PRAISE GOD FOR 6!!!!!

Prayer Needs

• Pray for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray that as we are pressed, God will reveal our hearts and help us to grow in Him.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. God has been faithful, and we are so grateful to watch Him at work.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to continue to lead/direct volunteers/subs to keep programs running during this season.
• Praise God for 6 successes in fertility!! Each one holds hope for us!
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family.
• Pray specifically for the NEW surgery date: January 29th at 8:00am!
• Pray for a successful Double Mastectomy with spacer surgery, with delayed DIEP flap surgery.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery after surgery. For no complications, for healing and a good report.
• Pray that the breast cancer cells would stay put, and not move to the lymph nodes.
• Pray for all the doctors and teams involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Joyfully, ImPRESSED by the grace of God,

Hannah Rock

As always, updates are available if you would like to scroll, and prayer list is at the bottom of the page. To start, I’d like to share some stories, then we’ll get to business.

SHORT STORIES – CONSUMING WAVES

Have you ever been to the beach? One of my most early beach memories was to go out in the water and go wave jumping (my Daddy’s favorite beach past time). I remember as a little girl, walking boldly into the ocean with my brother and my Daddy, boogie board in hand. The vastness of the sea didn’t scare us. We would take it a step at a time and wade through into the deeper part of the best wave zone. Once we reached the deeper section, I would get scared because (while y’all all know I’m short now), back then, I was pint-sized. Nevertheless, Daddy would encourage me that he would not let me drown. He helped me wait for the best waves, brave the current, jump on, and ride it all the way to shore. We had SO MUCH FUN wading through the water and running to ride the wave, with childlike laughter, cheering, and salty smiles. My Mommy would watch and applaud as we spent the entire day basking in the glory of God’s creation.

Another one of my beach memories is from our honeymoon. On May 27th, I married the best man in the entire world, Derek Rock. While Derek and I were on our honeymoon, we had the opportunity to go snorkeling.

Now this was not a first-time, “let’s get in a kiddie pool with the goldfish and snorkel gently” moment. We had been on a great boat tour (an incredible wedding gift from Derek’s amazing Mom and Dad!) that brought us to a part of an island that had very dangerous waves, strong currents, and sharp rocks. But in one special zone, if you RAN, you could beat the big waves and make it to the lifeguard out there on his surfboard, and snorkel in the deep. It was like I skipped snorkeling for like K-12 and went straight to SNORK University. But I wasn’t about to let it stop me from seeing the beauty! So we took our fins in our hands, waited for the shore lifeguard to time it just right. GO! We ran our legs off through the water, as the next swell of a dangerous wave built up. And….we made it to the deep ocean checkpoint out in the water. Slipping on our flippers, we dove down and saw schools of rainbow fish, silver fishies, and even a yellow fish that looked like the “BUBBLES! MY BUBBLES” fish from Finding Nemo. What a thrill!

Now it was time to head back. The surfboard lifeguard did his checks with the shore lifeguard, and he counted us down. Ready, set, SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE! We swam as FAST as we could, as the swell came up. I could feel the current pulling my legs back as I fought to get to shore in time. I thought if I could just…..nope.

A consuming force lifted me, spun me and I got caught in the wave. Forcefully tumbling, violently spinning, holding my breath, the panic quickly took over, but there was nothing I could do but submit to the current. The wave swept me up, and it crashed me onto the sand. With a thud, I groaned and felt the grains of sand with my toes on my right foot. I had lost my flipper. I heard the lifeguards coming and they sent one running after my flipper. The other one said, “Are you okay, you look like a beached mermaid!” I certainly felt like a beached mermaid. Like Jonah after the big fish was done with him. Reliving the scene from The Little Mermaid, where Ariel is just finding her legs, I lifted my dripping head and squinted to see if I had survived. A smiling lifeguard ran up to us, holding my flipper and said “Ah, so you’re the 5/7. (that was my flipper size)” My nickname for the rest of the trip was 5/7. What a WAVE!

During my experiences now, I have felt a lot more like the second story than the first. I know my Father goes with me (and a lot of others who are standing with me, SO grateful) into the great deep. I know that God will never leave us or forsaken us, or let us drown, and HE HASN’T! He’s with us! But quite frankly, sometimes I feel like I am repeatedly either fighting as fast as I can, spinning in the current of my circumstances, or I’m a beached mermaid, disoriented with my face in the sand, and missing a flipper.

We’ve had wave after wave after wave of the current of CANCER slamming against every area of our lives. No breaks, I wake up, and it’s still there. I try to hide for a little while for a moment of air, and there’s another phone call. It’s all consuming. We can’t make lists fast enough for all of the tasks, even though we are fighting every day to stay organized and not live in a constant state of panic. We know the truth of God’s presence, but we’re still getting hammered by the crashing waves on a daily basis.

CURRENT UPDATES

FERTILITY

At the end of last week, we had an appointment with the fertility office. We consulted about fertility, and we were shocked to find out that they wanted to start treatment IMMEDIATELY.

Derek and I discussed all the options, prayed, and made decisions together for our future. Because of the urgent nature of my cancer treatment and surgery, the doctor recommended us to start that same day. The office assisted us in finding/applying for grants that we qualified for because I’m a cancer patient. God also provided the means to get started. Hallelujah! We will still have a journey there, but there are no delays in my treatment with fertility so far. PRAISE THE LORD!

We had to act quickly to submit all of our paperwork, get organized, and turn everything in as fast as possible. All of my medicine was approved and ordered, and I am on schedule with everything so far. I have had many appointments there, they are watching my progress and taking blood work (more needles) each time.

All of my results have been encouraging in this area, and God is going ahead of us. I have had to get used to following my daily protocol from the doctor and everything that entails. This is a EXCEEDINGLY emotional and nerve-wracking part of our journey, and we are working through it together as best we can.

SURGERY – INSURANCE/APPEALS

I got the call from the insurance company yesterday. One good thing was that they said that was one of the best appeals letters they have ever seen (my sister-in-law is a beast!). The rest of the call was not good news. Access denied.

We knew this may be a possibility, so we have several options that we are working on.

Option 1: We found another surgeon, from our home hospital. may have scheduling conflicts or possible delays with my date for surgery. That’s rolling the dice, and every day the disease is growing. Surgery delays, not good. Still, we have appointments for consultation next week. So we’ll see.

Option 2: Start a new round of consultations with another hospital with 2 in-network doctors who can do the same surgeries. I have appointments this week and next. I was recommended to them by a dear friend who had the same surgery and knows others who have had the surgery done, with great success. The biggest question will be how FAST can they schedule me for surgery? Again, our goal is minimal delays for the surgery date.

Option 3: God may provide for us to follow our original plan, somehow, if so we can do this option. He is able, as always. But we know this option is not likely. If we did that, my surgery date would stay on January 20th.

WORK

*Church – Derek and I met with my leadership to talk about plans for the youth choir/tracks that I lead at our church. This choir also has tracks that have drama, dance, tech, and worship band elements. We asked for help, and we have had wonderful support from our church staff and volunteers! God is providing a good team of leaders to help teach the kids. We only have a few more slots to fill and details to iron out. Creating a master lesson plan for the next 5 months took me 2 days and a LOT of my brain power. My mind is exhausted, but I’m able to hand off the lesson plans to whoever God provides. THANK YOU LEADERSHIP! THANK YOU STAFF! THANK YOU GRACIOUS PARENTS! THANK YOU VOLUNTEERS! I’m gonna keep advising and tweaking our plan until you have everything you need to keep serving these awesome kids! Keep praying for more volunteers at our church!

*Co-op – I have the BEST coordinators in the world working diligently to cover all of my responsibilities at the homeschool co-op as we fight this battle. I have subs for ALL classes now. I have passed the baton of lesson plans and had to push to give completed plans, again with MUCH BRAIN POWER, to the right individuals. THANK YOU LEADERSHIP! THANK YOU GRACIOUS PARENTS! THANK YOU VOLUNTEERS! Knowing that you have my back as we journey together is the sweetest gift and brings so much relief as we keep fighting.

TODAY, HERE IS HOW YOU CAN PRAY FOR THE ROCKS:

• Pray for rest, peace, endurance, and provision for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray that God’s hand will take hold of us in the waves, and that by his love we will not be consumed.
• Pray that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season. Pray for grants/applications for programs that we are earnestly working on to submit in a timely manner.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to continue to provide subs/volunteers/helpers to keep programs running during this season.
• Praise God for the green light on immediate fertility treatment! Praise God for providing the means to begin this process!
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family.
• KEEP Praying specifically for the surgery date, January 20th or as close to that as possible!
• Pray for us as we have appointments and assess the above Options for surgery. Pray that God will lead us to the right team at the right time. His timing is perfect.
• Pray for a successful Double Mastectomy & DIEP flap surgery and everything that means.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery after surgery. For no complications, for healing and a good report.
• Pray that the breast cancer cells would stay put, and not move to the lymph nodes.
• Pray for all the doctors and teams involved in this process.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time. 

Consumed, but holding fast to the Father’s hand in the waves,

Hannah Rock

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

CURRENT UPDATE:
Thank you all for praying so earnestly over our situation, especially over the insurance appeals process. We were able to quickly and efficiently submit all of our paperwork before the offices closed for the holidays. We are grateful that all of my doctors agreed to send letters of advocacy, and we also have a fantastic Cancer Institute Navigator, who is assisting us in this process. Our cancer navigator helped us to fax all documents and our application through the Cancer Institute, and now we are waiting to hear back from the insurance company. Now that the holidays are over, and everyone is going back to work, we should hear back very soon. We heard back from the doctor and the proposed surgery date is January 20th. Pray for NO DELAYS! More updates listed below.
As usual, our prayer list is at the bottom of this post. Thanks for reading/praying!

MORE UPDATES:
My last few appointments before the holidays went well. Here is a summary of each one:
*Oncologist (Cancer Doctor) – Our visit was excellent. Her whole office is kind and efficient. I had to give blood which was unpleasant (again with the needles, ouch). Here is a list of what we learned:

• 1. While we were in our appointment, my breast specialist called my oncologist and told her that my GENETIC TEST results were all NEGATIVE! This is one huge answer to prayer. This effects my type of treatment and greatly reduces my chance of recurrence. Huge win!
• 2. Type of treatment: The doctor has recommended chemotherapy which will begin after my surgery recovery. This was a little heartbreaking because it means that I will DEFINITELY lose my hair when I start treatment. Very emotional, but I know it will grow back when I am in remission.
• 3. Fertility concerns: Because of chemotherapy, there are concerns regarding fertility because I am so young. Derek and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and we do not have any kids. We both have a strong desire and dream to have children one day, if the Lord wills. My oncologist referred us to a fertility specialist, who will give us counsel on what to do to give us our best chance of getting pregnant in the future.

*Breast Specialist- We really didn’t learn anything that we didn’t already know. I was able to ask questions of the Nurse Practitioner. I gave consent for surgery.

• One annoying detail that we learned from my specialist is that my type of cancer reacts to hormones. We have been making new choices in my diet to reduce the amount of estrogen intake, among other adjustments.
• I had already decided to do a Double Mastectomy after my first cancer meeting with my breast specialist. If I don’t do the double, my chance of breast cancer recurrence is 80%. If I get the DM, my recurrence chances drops down to 2%. (The average person has an 11% chance of occurrence). I am very young, and this decision will give me a long-game peace of mind. Derek and I have discussed, prayed, researched, and made this decision together. There have been many tears and emotions, but we believe this is my best option based on all of the information and wisdom provided by many sources.

*Plastic Surgeon/Reconstruction Specialist- This was the MOST important appointment of all. This meeting made me sure of what type of surgery I need, after considering all my options.

The surgery we have chosen that is best for me, after taking in all the information, is called the: DIEP (Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator) flap surgery.

• This is a fat transfer surgery, taking fat cells and blood vessels from the abdomen area, and relocating them to rebuild after the double mastectomy. This surgery uses my skin and fat cells. Unlike other options, it is more natural as it is using parts of my own body.
• The surgeons will work together to perform both surgeries at once: the Double Mastectomy and the DIEP flap surgery.
• The surgeons we are considering perform 300-400 DIEP flap surgies a year, 3-4 a week. They have a success rate of 98%. They have also been performing this surgery for 7 years together.
• The DIEP flap surgery is unique in that it does not interfere with the abdomen muscle, unlike other older methods. It ONLY uses fat cells and a few blood vessels to connect to the system to blood flow in the upper area once transferred.
• The worst part of this surgery will be my scars and my recovery time. Recovery time is 6-8 weeks. After surgery recovery, I will begin chemotherapy.
• The possible surgeon is discussing further details with us.

*Cancer Nurse Navigator Once we confirmed the decision to have this surgery, the battle of the insurance began. We had AMAZING family who stepped in to help in various areas, and we met our cancer navigator. Our cancer navigator offered detailed, efficient, compassionate and speedy information and help with contacting everyone. She helped us know which forms to fill out, and made us aware of our options. She also let me know about programs at the Cancer Institute that are available to me during this season, a huge comfort. Once we gathered all documents and our application, she faxed it with the Cancer Institute letterhead to get it to the right people. While we were in her office, the breast specialist office called to confirm a surgery date.

*Tentative SURGERY DATE CONFIRMED & ON THE CALENDAR: JANUARY 20TH

NEW APPOINTMENTS/EVENTS TO COME:

• #1. Fertility Specialists: Tomorrow afternoon, we will meet and have a consultation regarding our best plan of action.
• #2. Meetings with my two bosses at church and school to discuss work adjustments.
• #3. One week before surgery, anesthesia pre-op
• #4. Tentative Surgery date CONFIRMED: January 20th.

They say the New Year is a time of perspective and reflection. A brand new start. It’s hard to look at 2020 when I know that it will be the hardest year of my life. That is very daunting. But we WILL prevail, with God’s help. That I know to be true, and I am RESOLVED to keep looking to Him for hope.

I am RESOLVED that this is the right plan of action. I am RESOLVED to decorate my disease with His light, while I carry it around. I am RESOLVED to fight, with those who are fighting alongside me to win this battle. I am RESOLVED that I have the best husband in the world, who loves so deeply and takes care of not only my needs, but my heart. Derek, I love you. I am RESOLVED in our decisions as a family, that God is guiding us and providing everything we need.

Today, here is how you can pray:

• Pray for peace, endurance, and provision for Hannah, Derek, and our families as we walk through this together.
• Pray for the continuing battle with our insurance company, and that God will continue to provide our financial needs during this season.
• Pray for Hannah’s work, for God to continue to provide subs/volunteers/helpers to keep programs running during this season.
• Praise God for NEGATIVE genetic test!
• Pray specifically for the surgery date, January 20th! Pray that insurance will approve so that this IS the date for surgery. Pray for NO DELAYS!
• Pray for a successful Double Mastectomy, and everything that means. Pray for the emotions that come with this decision, even though we know this is the right decision.
• Pray for a successful DIEP flap surgery, and everything that means. Pray for the emotions that come with this decision, even though we know this is the right decision.
• Pray for Hannah’s recovery after surgery. For no complications, for healing and a good report.
• Pray that the breast cancer cells would stay put, and not move to the lymph nodes.
• Pray for future fertility, that God’s will would be done in our family.
• Pray for our cancer navigator, that she would continue to advocate for us and have the wisdom we need to navigate decisions.
• Pray for all of the specialists, and the other surgeons and doctors to come.
• Pray that God would bring opportunities for us to share the love and grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others through this hard time.

RESOLVED to love God, love others, and beat cancer,

Hannah Rock

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.  He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’ For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” Luke 18:1-8

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST
Let me start today’s entry by saying right off that we need urgent and specific prayers! We’ve hit a roadblock, ladies and gentlemen. More than ever we need y’all to pray! I will post an additional entry with a recap of the week shortly, but the most important request is for our insurance details to be approved.

We finally made a decision on which surgeries I will need as soon as possible. That alone was a hard decision. Once we did our research, and we met with the surgeons, I felt strongly that this is the best type of surgery and most recommended for me at this time. However, after all of that, the surgeon I need is not in network with our insurance. We feel strongly that we need to appeal to our insurance to allow her to work within our insurance. We have worked with our family members and asked for advice from my advocate at the Cancer Institute, to begin the appeals process to allow my possible surgeon to work with my home hospital to do my surgery.

PRAY WITH PERSISTENCE that we can work quickly, that our advocates give us all the documentation we need, and that the insurance WILL APPROVE our request. Otherwise we will have to delay my urgent surgery, and go back to the drawing board. We are in correspondence with the advocates and insurance company RIGHT NOW, as we are trying to get it through before everything shuts down for the holiday.

Persisting under the time crunch, and grateful for family and advocates,

Hannah Rock